I apologise if the title is misleading, but i’m not sure how else to word it. My girlfriend never wants to have sex anymore, every time i ask or make a move she tells me that she doesn’t feel like it. It’s been over a month and i’m not sure if i’m doing something wrong or if something is up with her.
I have a toxic trait where i’m always looking for an answer as i believe there is always a source for everything, but i don’t want to push her and possibly come across as a bad guy by asking why she doesn’t want the intimacy we used to have anymore (hence this post)
I don’t know if its something i’m doing (or lack of) or if she is just saying she doesn’t want to due to any insecurities. I’ve been with her for 4 years this year and have had a healthy sex-life for 2, i just don’t understand what has changed.
Please help me!
11 comments
I think that it’s good to look for reasons why things happen. It’s toxic only if you insist that the answer comes from her.
I recommend that you talk with her, outside the context where you might be having sex. Take an evening, and simply ask her if you can talk about it, because it’s important for you. There’s nothing wrong with telling her about your feelings currently.
Of course maybe she doesn’t know herself why she’s no longer feeling like having sex. It’s possible that you won’t be able to move past this. If that’s the case, you’ll both be so much better off if you can talk through it.
If there really and truly is no solution, then I would recommend that you break up. It can be in steps, starting by taking separate sleeping arrangements for a week, then one of you finding a place to live temporarily, before finalizing the separation.
I really insist that you should most certainly not stay within a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs, through no identifiable fault of your own.
I think the most important part of dealing with what you say is a toxic trait is accepting that it may be impossible to find an answer and then let it go…
Now it is definitely a topic worth bringing up. You’ve been having sex a while, and it is one that can very easily cause hurt, but avoiding it only puts more pressure on it to hurt more later. Approach with care and understanding.
> My girlfriend never wants to have sex anymore.
Ok. Don’t have sex with her.
That’s the advice.
The worst thing you can do is try to force the issue either by constantly asking her why, or by literally physically forcing her. (Please don’t do either of those things.)
## She does not need a reason to say “no” to sex, OP.
You need to understand that, deeply while you are still a boy, or you will become an extremely shitty man.
You, OP, can say something like “babe, you’re wonderful and it’s been great, I wish you all the best. Our sexual needs don’t seem to match up so I am going to seek sex elsewhere.” That usually means breaking up, but maybe you do a non-monogamous thing where you still date the girl you’re dating now, but you have sex with other girls, and are open and clear about that with her. That rarely works out, though. So usually it means parting ways and doing so as gently as possible, wishing each other the very best. Don’t be angry because she doesn’t want to have sex. You’re mismatched on that, and that’s ok.
Genuinely wishing you both all the best.
Looking for an answer is NOT a toxic trait. You want to believe that the other person is reasonable and that there are reasons for her actions. No one will tell you why your girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex anymore – besides your girlfriend. It may be something quite mundane like stress. But it’s also possible that she wants to make you suffer and to provoke you to break up with her. (I went through this: it usually happens when your partner is afraid to break up with you in a standard way). It’s really difficult to find the cause without having a conversation, so you need to talk about it – the sooner, the better. Note, however, that love means mutual understanding: you try to understand her but she should also try to understand your needs. If she acts as nothing happens, that’s not a good sign. Everyone may want to have a break from any activity – including sex. But people are driven by reasons (and if there are no reasons, the person is unpredictable, so one can call them insane) and – as a boyfriend – you deserve to know them, so you can decide whether you want to continue the relation or not. Good luck!
Well you are both 18, so there is that. Relax and stop pressing her. It will work out or it won’t but it’s not a big deal either way.
Talk to her? How are we supposed to know what’s going on with her? Only she does. And if she doesn’t want to talk about it or doesn’t want to give you an answer and continues this behavior, knowing full well that it bothers you, welp bud. It’s time to break up.
Break up. Your 18, you have your whole life to settle. You should be having fun and figuring out what you like and want; not being a purse holder for a ‘girl’ who won’t show you intimacy and affection.
The first 2-3 years of a relationship are commonly known as the “honeymoon phase”. In that time you are both amped up on a cocktail of feel good chemicals that predispose you toward giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, being sexually aroused by and available for your partner, etc. You can’t really sustain that state indefinitely at such an intensity, and so it’s not uncommon after that initial period to see things like sexual desire and frequency of sex decrease and for you both to start being more irritated about things that never bothered you before, etc.
Consequently this is why a lot of people have a bunch of relationships in a row that always seem to last around 2 and a half years or so: They mistake that new relationship state for what being in love should feel like all the time, and when that state goes away they think they have fallen out of love. Long term love relationships require refocusing on communication, trust, affection, and mutual respect as the foundation. Intimacy and great sex don’t have to go away, in fact some couples are having the best sex of their lives 20 years after getting married. But the training wheels have come off, and that means you need to put in more work and develop the tools so that you as a couple can communicate and connect effectively.
If her interest in sex has declined to zero at that age, and everything seemed to be going fine before, it could be a sign of an underlying physiological issue. If she’s on any medications or anything that affects her hormone balance (like birth control) it could be tanking her libido.
It could also be psychological. Stress is a major mood-killer, as is unresolved resentment or anger about aspects of your relationship. You mention insecurities on her part: Do you know what they are? Are there things she’s expressed concern about previously? Does her background involve shame and guilt-based indoctrination (religious upbringing, etc.)?
Clearly something has changed and she doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. You need to have a discussion with her outside of the bedroom.
Maybe she started taking some medication and is no longer interested in sex, maybe she is growing away from you, maybe she went through something traumatic and has not told you about it.
In any case, the lack of sex in the relationship is typically an early indicator of something being wrong with the relationship. You should re-evaluate your situation because the relationship may have its days numbered.
Sounds like you are not sexually compatible. It’s ok to break up over this. Don’t waste your life in a sexless relationship.
Just move on. This will mess with your head for years if you’re not careful.