Me (18M) gf(18F) fights about personal space
I want my personal space but she won’t let me, this has been going on for 3 months now, I see her 4/7 times a week and whenever I don’t, she will fight me about not going to her, writting stuff like “I was dreaming you would go to me” and “I thought you would be a sweet boyfriend and go to me” I treat her like a queen when I’m with her.
We always fight and it’s emotionally draining me, I’m a huge gamer and I just want some alone time with my games and my family. We have talked about it so many times but she still continues and everytime we fight, I feel my love for her die a little bit, I love her and she loves me but I need my breathing space, what do I do, she won’t listen and I don’t want to hurt or make her sad.
Tl;DR In Summary I want my personal space and she won’t let me have it and always makes me feel bad for wanting it.
6 comments
Don’t fight so much. Learn to ignore her. It is better when she is expecting too much from you if you let her fight, but you don’t fight, you ignore. I think your girlfriend likes to fight and that when you engage it is like giving crack to a crack addict. You need to learn to be stoic. That will work better for you.
You break up. You two are incompatible. How much time you want together versus apart is a basic compatibility issue. The thing to do is to discuss it and come to an agreement you can both be happy with or realize no such agreement is possible and you two cannot be happy together. If there is no solution where you are both happy together, then you should break up. A relationship that requires one person to always be unhappy with how it works is not a good relationship.
This is an incompatibility. You disagree about how frequently you’d like to see each other in a week, and it creates tension. If you had a gf who also wanted a little alone time and matched you in this value, this tension would completely disappear. Even if you just had a gf who wanted to see you more bit didn’t make you feel bad for not doing it, that would work. But that’s not who your gf is.
This is an obvious incompatibility.
You expecting her to respect your space is no different than her expecting you to always spend time with her. These are conflicting needs.
So it’s not that “she won’t listen”, she’s being expected to stop needing more quality time with you, in the same way she’s expecting you to stop needing more personal time.
It’s important to recognize these important aspects of who we are so that during the dating phase, we can pick a partner who aligns with those needs to avoid having to make requests that they change like what you two are experiencing now.
You are young so probably not have learned how to manage this yet. Its fairly simple, just make your response final
As an example
I kind of wanted to game with my mates tonight though
Vs
I made plans already tonight but I’ll be free tomorrow, chat then
The latter isn’t rude, you don’t hurt her feelings and it’s understood if you don’t respond to calls, texts or messages.
If you stick to it the behaviour will stop. Expect her to blow up your phone the first few times.
Don’t be nice all the time, to your detriment. There’s a thin line between nice and doormat
Also don’t game 60 hours a week and expect a healthy relationship
Luckily, I’ve been learning about this. It seems to be an attachment style issue. While I don’t know yours I can make a guess that she has an anxious attachment style.
A def of this attachment style is “Adults with an anxious attachment style are often afraid of or even incapable of being alone. They seek intimacy and closeness and are highly emotional and dependent on others. The presence of the loved one appears to be a remedy for their strong emotional needs.”
I would recommend finding out what your style is and then having a conversation with your partner about it, along with how you need space to process mentally.