I seem to have this issue where sex leaves me connected to people. After a long time of not being with anyone, I slept with this guy a couple of times on a casual basis. He was so kind and gentle with me in the sense that he checked if I was comfortable and asked for consent to do things which no one has ever done for me before. This has left me with a lot of sexual trauma from where I have always felt very used after sex. This time I haven’t felt used and because of that, I’ve fallen for him. I’ve had to stop seeing him as that isn’t what we agreed. Does anyone have any tips on how to prevent this from happening?
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Have you ever spoken with a therapist?
And that’s all you like about him?
Why not want this to happen again? Now that you know that someone can respect you, be attentive, and make you feel special and safe, then why not seek that, and demand that, from a relationship with someone else?
You know a better way now. A way that is healthier. A way you are deserving of. A way you actually desire and need. So, make it happen again, with someone who wants more than sex.
I would say getting to know yourself and your motivations behind having casual sex is a good starting place and also dealing with your trauma. I’m someone who can very much enjoy casual, sex with casual partners and friends, but you have to be settled within yourself in order to do that. I’m times I’ve been distressed or internally overwhelmed I’ve found it harder to keep from wanting to attach to partners I wouldn’t actually be compatible with.
You should certainly peruse more soft and enjoyable experiences like that one as your comfort allows. The most important thing is to know and trust yourself above all. It’s not easy to heal but it can be done. Good luck.
To answer your actual question.
The only thing I can suggest is to distance yourself. Don’t constantly think of the next time you will see him, don’t text him all day long. Get on with your life and your hobbies, learning to love yourself, and the infatuation with someone should die down.
Every situation is different but eventually you may even find that you possibly don’t love him after all, and it was the emotional fulfilment that made you enamoured.
Do you actually want casual sex, or is it just something you feel you should want?
Because if it’s the latter, and you feel pressured by hookup culture, it’s really not worth it. Seex is not worth feeling used, or like you’re always the one who’s more invested.
You can just… not have casual sex, if that’s not your thing. It’s very normal for people to want to have a deeper connection to the people they sleep with. You don’t have to change that about yourself. You’re allowed to have standards and dealbreakers when it comes to sexual relationships.
I dont enjoy casual sex. It’s only good if there is a strong connection or love for me. Otherwise it’s boring AF.
If you dont enjoy casual, then you don’t enjoy it. If you form a connection during sex, then that’s just how you are wired.