TLDR I (f 28) am in a sexless relationship with my (m 38) boyfriend, and when I bring it up he doesn’t care and show any effort to improve our se life.
Help, I am in a sexless relationship
When I (f 28) met my boyfriend (m 38) a year ago, we started dating and we were very sexually adventurous. We were very horny and very passionate about giving pleasure to one another.
Fast forward to today, I am 3 1/2 months pregnant, and we almost never have sex. I have voiced my concern a few times, and from his negative response, I have since made an effort to accommodate his lack of interest in sex. (I’ll explain)
I used to initiate sex pretty often, and would practically always get a positive response, aka he wanted it too. Now, we have sex maybe once or twice a month and only if I make a big stink over it. Our sex life came to a screeching halt when we found out I was pregnant, and I chalked it up to the shock of our new reality, and figured he’d get his mojo back on his own. Boy was I wrong about that….. I have always tried my hardest to gently voice my concern of our non existent sex life in a compassionate and respectful way. I learned the hard way that figuratively stomping my foot and having a tantrum does not get my point across effectively. Now, I don’t put pressure on him to have sex, I let cuddle time be just that, and I don’t try to initiate AT ALL. I noticed when he was shutting me down time after time that it’s better for my feeling and his of I just give it a break. I’ll try and send a flirty message every now and then to see if he’s in the mood, and try and set the mood for a sexy night in when he’s feeling it. The only problem is every time he’s been horny or said “this weekend it’s going down” etc…….. we never end up having sex. I’ve left the ball in his court and he’s never scored. I try not to take this personally because I know that he is insecure about it and his lack of sex drive bothers him, however it has now become a conversation that he refuses to engage in. I have expressed my feelings of how I value sex in our relationship and tried so hard to make him see that we can work on this together but he has to be willing to put in some work too. Whenever I tell him how it makes me feel unwanted and undesired he’ll say something like “don’t start” or that I’m over exaggerating. I am at my wits end because I want to get back to a place where we are sexually active, but I don’t think he even cares about sex at all. He has said that sex is not a priority to him right now, and acts like I’m crazy for wanting it. I am growing resentful and don’t want that to be the end of us. Is there anything I can do to save the relationship or are we basically doomed?
10 comments
you’re pregnant and not attractive to him so he is content with masturbation or another woman at the moment.
Having different libidos is a common issue, and I was going to suggest a sex therapist. But it worries me how he is mean to you and doesn’t respect you. Rejecting sex is fine – he’s not required to have sex. But saying you are exaggerating is disgusting and disrespectful. Acting like you are crazy is disgusting and disrespectful. He could honestly acknowledge the incompatibility in a respectful way like a decent partner, and he chooses to hurt you rather than do so. That worries me a lot. Does he do that with any other issues?
It won’t get any better till you actually tell him how you feel
Have you asked if it’s because of the pregnancy? If he’s worried, he’ll hurt the baby or hurt you? If he is stressed and worried about being a good father or providing for his child. Could even be he’s changed his mind on being a dad, it’s in talks you both should be having right now.
Pregnant with a baby after less than a year together? And he freezes you out immediately upon finding out you’re pregnant?
You are not in a sexless relationship darling it is much worse than that.
Because this is a new loss of interest, he might want to check with his doctor to see if he’s got some hidden health problems that are contributing to his loss of interest. Some men his age have lower testosterone levels, and that can kill libido. Some men his age are getting high blood pressure which wrecks havoc with libido. Some men his age become depressed as they consider their age, and depression can lower libido. And then there’s the anxiety of becoming a parent, which can also kill libido.
Thing is, that a number of these things can be treated. If his testosterone levels are low, or he’s anxious or depressed, there are treatments (though treatment for depression often also causes loss of libido). And if he is suffering from high blood pressure, then he really needs to know about it.
Um.., alot of men are uncomfortable having sex with their pregnant SO because they are worried they might hurt the baby.
It isn’t a coincidence that his disinterest coincided with you getting pregnant. DO NOT let him gaslight you and say it’s nothing.
As someone else asked, what was his reaction to your finding out you were pregnant? Was it planned? Is he having second thoughts?
You deserve to have an honest discussion about not only your sexual relationship, but his true feelings about this very new development. Don’t let him brush you off.
It’s incredibly common for men’s sex drives to disappear when their wife/partner is pregnant (happened with both of my pregnancies). In our case, things got back to normal as the babies got older. What concerns me is that a) this didn’t occur to you and b) he won’t talk about it.
Seriously—bringing a new human being into the world is a scary and stressful thing, let alone they irrational fear that some men have about potentially hurting you or the baby. That new stress alone could easily cause his sex drive to dry up. Add in that you were together less than a year when it happened, and I’m sure he has a lot on his mind. But, he should at least be willing to have a discussion about it with you.
I am kind of shocked.
Sure you expressed very well how you feel.
My problem is that the very situation you are in leaves me with a lot of question, like:
“What kind of situation you were with your partner to decide to keep your pregnancy even if you were dating for less than an year?”
“What kind of conversations you had about the pregnancy and the baby?”
“All the decisions from both of you were given by impulse or by good reasoning?”
For my personal opinion, this dead bed situation goes well beyond his low libido.