We have a 5 month old baby and a 3 year old. This age gap between kids has not been good for my husband, he doesn’t like the toddler stage (I was already pretty pregnant when our toddler starting doing the normal toddler stuff) and our 5 month old is high maintenance. I get that it’s hard right now. The youngest refuses to take a bottle (I am working with a lactation consultant to get it hopefully resolved).
Every day, he complains about how much he misses his whole life and how parenting sucks. Every single day. He doesn’t interact at all with the baby and checks out when he spends time with the toddler. Idk what happened, it’s like a light switched when I hit my third trimester.
To be fair, he has gone to 3 different therapists and told them that he doesn’t like being a parent. All 3 have told him some variation of “this is the path you’ve chosen so deal with it.” So there really isn’t much help there. I am trying to be empathic but I’m starting to just dislike my husband because of how much he can’t stand our kids. Especially since I am the one who takes care of both of them.
I brought up divorce but he says that he doesn’t want to do that. I don’t want to either since the financial problems that would come with that would be severe for me. A 2 bedroom apartment here is out of the range that I could afford. I also have zero want to be in another relationship.
I’m just so exhausted by him. There is no affection or fun or anything with him anymore. It’s just him complaining all the time. Idk want to do.
10 comments
Get a sitter so you are not only being parents but get a chance to be husband and wife and time for yourself too.
Try hiring a babysitter a couple times a month and going out as a couple. Could be a refreshing change. But I do agree with the therapists, he chose this. He has about 17 years and 7 more months minimum.
Plain and simple he is mentally weak. He should never say these things. Anyhow, do you have family near by or that can help. a couple of hours per week?
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FYI: My wife and I have 3 kids, 1 is on the spectrum. We have no help. Frankly parenting is hard at times. But your mindset must be to build your family. Your husband is being selfish. Was he always this way or does he just whine about the difficulties of life.
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You can do this mom. Hang in there.
I don’t think babysitter will help you much. You may need to realize you made a mistake to have children with a man who is not born to be a father. Are both children planned? Did you discuss having children with your husband prior to getting married or prior to having them?
You may not want a divorce which is understandable but after certain point you need to realize that raising your children in toxic environment when their father does not love them and does not love you is actually way worse.
Is he maybe dealing with depression? What has he given up to be a parent?
Can he find a therapist that can help him cope beyond telling him to suck it up? I don’t think they’re wrong, he needs to put his children ahead of his frustrations, that’s the deal parents make.
My wife can be a complainer, and it hurts when she does, even when it’s not about me specifically. One thing that helps is telling her how I feel when she does that.
It sounds like both of you need some rest and aren’t able to get it, which is *shitty*.
You might need to set a boundary around his complaining. ” I know you are not happy but I can’t listen to you constantly complaining.”. He might need to journal, talk to a friend, exercise more or something but constantly complaining just makes everything worse for everyone. This is just a season. You won’t be breastfeeding forever. You won’t have toddlers forever. Just try to get through each day. Hang in there!
I’m sorry you guys are going through this. I breastfed all 3 of mine. I checked out on the third at her toddler stage. We both have depression, no family support. My oldest didn’t take a bottle either. He did eventually, but he never ate much when I was at work. I do shift work so he would go 13 hrs with only 4-8oz all day if that. I’m assuming you are a stay at home mom?
Couple of points
Your infant will be fine for you guys to go on a date for 2-4hrs
Your husband needs a hobby or reason to survive-friends, softball/golf or some other sport, working out?
Does his job allow him to get a medical marijuana card? My husband benefited greatly from vaping weed. Probably not a popular opinion, but he went from short temper, not talking to down on the floor laughing and singing. Idgaf if he’s high, I’ll take it. Especially since I am drug tested and don’t really like to drink.
Everyone says it’s such a short time that they are small, but it’s the longest day every day. It’s difficult and no one told us that. You almost have to check out just to keep going. I wish you guys the best and hope you figure something out that works for you guys. Good luck
Try counselling together.
Make time for each other. Try to build a date night together into your week without kids.
Try to support each other. He has to find a way to chip in and help you.
They won’t be toddlers forever. Hang in there.
I (46 M) have 2 kids of my own. My partner and I both struggled at different times. With each others support we’re now in a better place.
It’s not easy but with one another’s support you will get back on track.
kick him in the balls to see if they’re there. They could have fallen off
I wish he could have a chat with an older guy who’s been there and done that to give him some perspective and advice. Babies are work. Parenting takes time and effort. Whining about it doesn’t fix anything. He’s a leader in the home and he can make it a happy home or not. The decision is his.