We met in summer 2019. We quickly “fell in love”- it was the first time in my (32m) life I had felt “head over heels” and she (34f) felt the same. She’s the most naturally beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen, no exaggeration. We met each other’s families and things were getting serious—saying “I love you” and making plans for our shared future—right until she broke up with me out of the blue and without thorough explanation in April of 2020, about 8-9 months later. I was devastated and confused. I fought for the relationship for months but was rebuffed.
In July 2021 we run into each other after a year of no contact. She was in a relationship and I was single at the time. We went for dinner despite her relationship status. At this rendezvous of ours, she tells me I’m “as handsome as ever”, and we continued seeing each other (semi) platonically for a couple of months. I know this wrong and I knew it then— she had a boyfriend and we shouldn’t have been seeing each other. She frequently complained about her boyfriend to me (he was critical of her, flakey, much older than us). I told her early on in our reconnecting that I still had strong feelings for her and didn’t want to hear about her boyfriend anymore; she told me that “was music to her ears, but that I might have to play the ‘long game’” because she wasn’t single.
Well, she broke up with her then boyfriend not long after in October 2021, and we began sleeping together a few weeks later. Right before we slept together the first time, she told me she “does love me, but is scared.” After sleeping together, she would pull away frequently (say things like “we shouldn’t have done that”) and she made a relationship impossible. I persisted. I got routinely hurt—really badly—by her cruel hot/cold treatment of me, and eventually went “no contact” in Feb 2022.
I missed her terribly, and reached out in April of this year, just a couple months later. She was happy to hear from me, and by May we were now in a committed relationship. Seemingly picking up where we had left off in our last relationship.
By June, we were saying “I love you,” going on weekend trips, and making plans to move in together. Happiest time of my life, until she abruptly ended things after a weekend away with her parents in October. She “didn’t love my anymore.”
I was devastated, again. Despite the breakup, we continued to see each other for dinner—usually at my apartment. I continued with my Herculean efforts—cooking elaborate meals for us, having her favorite wine ready, etc., but no sex and her demeanor towards me was frequently cold. In the beginning of our relationship (both times), I experienced “love bombing” —she would say things like “I hope our kids have your face,” “I can’t wait to move in with you,””I love you,” “I’m crazy about you” and “you’re so important to me.” This love bombing quickly shifted to devaluation (frequent criticism over small things despite my endless efforts to please her, belittling, prioritizing others over me, withholding affection, etc). It went from 0 to 100 and back to 0 again, in a matter of months. I was an objectively good boyfriend. I loved her endlessly and passionately, and she was my main priority.
I reached out to her recently over Christmas, only to be told she’s now in a “serious” relationship and doesn’t “feel right about seeing each other one-on-one.” I told her I still love her, she simply said that was “problematic.” The wound gets deeper and deeper.
I ran into her the other day at CVS, turned down the isle and boom there she was. I walked up and said hi, she gave me a hug and I wished her well etc, and walked away. Seeing her was absolutely heartbreaking and I can’t stop thinking about her. I really just want to reach out to see how she’s doing— I care about her so deeply I can’t help it.
I’m sorry for the long post, and if anyone has any ideas or insights as to her behavior, please share because I’m at a loss and can’t get over it. Thanks for reading.
TL,DR: I (32m) dated the same woman (gorgeous 34f) for 8 months in 2019-20. We fell in love, but she blind-sided me with a breakup without explanation. After just over a year of NC, we reconnect. She had a new bf then, but continues seeing me before eventually breaking up with him and starts sleeping with me, but keeps me at arm’s length. After I go NC again for a few months, I contact her and we jump into a serious relationship, complete with ultimate love bombing. “I hope our kids have your face,” “I love you”, ”I can’t wait to move in together” she told me. It lasted 4 months before I got blindsided again. She’s now with someone else. I’m broken, and keep bargaining with myself. She has a history of short lived and volatile relationships so I keep saying to myself this new relationship of hers won’t last and thinking I should reach out, which I know I shouldn’t. I ran into her at CVS the other day and I said hi, she gave me a hug and I said it was good to see her and wished her well and walked away. It was heartbreaking and I can’t stop thinking about her.
4 comments
> without thorough explanation
I could swear this was changed from something about how she left you for absolutely no reason, as I clicked in. Not explaining isn’t the same as not giving you an explanation that’s “thorough” enough. Sometimes people end things for reasons as simple as “you’re nice but I’m not feeling it”.
Whether or not you were “an objectively good boyfriend”.
That being said, this is why I’ll never get back together with an ex. There’s a reason it ended in the first place. Unless you know exactly what that reason is and why it’ll never be applicable again, starting the same is probably just going to end the same.
> She has a history of short lived and volatile relationships so I keep saying to myself this new relationship of hers won’t last
Yeah, this is probably standard for her. But you’re not going to be an exception. If you don’t want a short, volatile, confusing relationship, she’s bad news. Maybe she’ll get therapy someday and realize that life isn’t a romcom.
Or maybe she’ll just keep doing this til she’s an old woman.
I’d move on and look for a relationship that isn’t just going to be hot and cold all the time. You did the right thing by giving her a hug and walking away.
Sorry buddy.
Does not sound like the one to go after.
She puts you on the rollercoaster. Its time for you to get off the ride.
You need someone who makes you feel like a priority and first choice. Not someone who keeps you around as an option and uses you to bridge the gaps in between relationships.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is (hard I know), but block on all platforms and delete her from your life.
Start working on this void in your heart. Fill it and find a more meaningful reletionship with someone else. Someone who stands by your side and never makes you doubt where the reletionship stands.
It sounds like it would take a professional a day or two to make a diagnosis. There’s nothing there you should want to be a part of.
Your off the rollercoaster. Stay off because it’s not good for you. She’s gonna keep jerking you around as long as you let her. She’s not worth the heartache. Get therapy.