I want to preface this by letting you all know that after being a long-time Reddit user, this is my very first post, so please bear with me. I usually tend to keep my feelings inside but unfortunately, I have come to a point where I don’t know where to turn but to a sea of strangers for advice…
This past weekend my boyfriend (26m) told me (23f) that he is not sexually attracted to me.
To give some context, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We have a near-picture-perfect relationship. We spend time together nearly every day, we run a business together, we share common interests, and friends, and so, so much more.
Growing up, I had always been on the fence about my career choices. I dropped out of university twice to eventually pursue my current career which I love but I am not making as much money as I wish to be. I believe myself to be very goal-oriented and driven however there is a slight disconnect for me to really hone down and essentially become a workaholic like my partner.
On the other hand, my boyfriend graduated as a double major, has a very well-paying job, started multiple businesses, and has basically been mentoring me throughout our relationship to one day become a well-oiled machine of a businesswoman. He has paid for multiple courses for me to learn various skills, he buys me books, journals, and everything you can think of to optimize my life and help me become more productive. Becoming financially free is a huge priority for us in life.
I am eternally grateful for my partner and love him with all my heart however, there are times when I feel like I am not enough for him. I always do my best to be productive, work out every day, eat healthily, and ultimately be the best partner I can be so we can live the life we wish for ourselves…
Throughout our relationship, sex has never appeared to me as an issue. We have great sex and have never had any issues in the bedroom – although I would like to talk about it just a bit more sometimes.
However, most of the time I am the one to initiate sex but I’ve always just assumed that my drive was higher than his.
We had a great time together this weekend, we went out, had drinks with friends, and had the house all to ourselves (we have not yet moved in together but we are planning to this year). Once we got into bed I was feeling frisky so I decided to initiate sex, though he was clearly enjoying it, I noticed he wasn’t really kissing me back. At this point, I stopped and asked him why he wasn’t engaging to which he told me that he is tired but that I can keep going.
I immediately let him know that I would have preferred if he reciprocated my energy rather than let me do all the work. I then explained that I feel like I am usually the one to initiate intimacy and not even kissing me back or touching me does not make me feel desired.
He responded with “I have a lot on my mind” referring to work. He then proceeded to tell me that he loves me but I am immature and that I have to figure my shit out and as a result, he is just not sexually attracted to me right now… That he wakes up every morning striving to be his own role model and he wants me to do the same; he wants to fuck that version of me.
I have never been so mortified in my life. I feel heartbroken because I try my best to be a better partner and to live up to his standards/expectations because I love him so much and genuinely want to be with him for the rest of my life… and I want to be the woman we both deserve.
*Note; Before you tell me I don’t need to live up to anyone’s expectations, know that I love that he pushes me so hard and cares about the life we create for ourselves. I look up to him as a role model, and as someone that pulled me out of a deep hole I’ve dug for myself and taught me so many things I was missing in life that my parents or any other authoritative figure never taught me. Without him, I really don’t know what I’d be doing.*
Right now I just feel extremely hurt, partially because he may be right, but also because I truly don’t know what to do now, how to look at him, and how I will ever want to initiate sex with him again, or even receive it because I’ll just remind myself of this conversation.
I feel truly devastated and would just like a friend right now to talk me through this.
If you’ve come this far I just really want to thank you for reading, I hope your week is going better than mine – and I appreciate those who decide to reach out. 🙂
13 comments
So, basically he doesn’t want you to view him as your role model but to be confident enough to be your own? And, since you aren’t on “his level” yet, you aren’t attractive enough for him? Let me play “Ego” real quick. Anyways, keep doing what you’re doing and good luck in all your endeavors. Also, as far as in the bedroom goes, maybe toys etc may help. I don’t know.
I think different people find different things attractive. For some it’s confidence or intelligence, for some it’s purely physical, for others it could be being “driven” or having a huge passion for something. Some people like a combination.
Now, I definitely don’t say that I agree with your boyfriend. However, it seems he thinks you’re physically beautiful. But you being more of a “follower” than a “leader” has killed some of his sexual interest. Kind of the same way a woman might look at a man living in his mom’s basement at 40.
Now, at the risk of being downvoted immensely, I objectively think he just wants you to break out of your shell and just strive to be the best version of yourself career wise. To lead, not question yourself. Apply what you already know. Work to find answers you may not have.
I do think your relationship can be saved, though I know it’s incredibly intimidating. I guess you just have to ask yourself how you feel in this situation. Do you want to work things out?
as a friend, I think you should focus on your own growth and allow time for him to see you improving. then dump him and get with a guy who doesn’t make you feel insecure in the bedroom. to me that’s unforgivable, but I am only seeing one side of the story. my best advise is that you should spend time focusing on yourself you may be able to get over what he said, but if you can’t then that’s an answer.
all in all, I’m sorry he made you feel that way. you really deserve someone who can approach a sensitive topic like that better. perhaps talking with him about how he said it would make you feel better and y’all can work on that together.
If he feels the need to change you for you to be attractive why is he with you in the first place?
Bettering yourself and learning to become someone more mature isn’t inherently a bad thing, but doing it for the sole purpose that your bf will find you attractive is… not good.
I personally find this a bit of a red flag and I’m side eying the bf a bit.
OP. I understand that you have a lot of love for your bf and that you feel that he has done a lot for you and has been a driver for you, but you also need to understand that he is not what he seems.
The guy is a narcissist, and a fairly good one at that.
All the things he has done for you are all to one end and one end only, to make **you** into the person that he has talked himself into wanting to be with. It’s quite simply an unattainable thing that is pushing on you and it’s that narcissistic streak in him that is pushing him. He wants the perfect partner for his perfect life and he has convinced himself over the years that you need him way more than he needs you.
This attitude of his just shouts down through comments such as “That he wakes up every morning striving to be his own role model”. He has this ideal vision of himself in his head and literally screw anything that challenges this.
My bet is that in your day to day life he comes across as a perfectionist that is never quite happy about anything. Your clothes are probably never quite right. Any meals that are had are always lacking “something”. You social interactions are probably all based around him showing off – whether it be you, a new toy, how much money he has made, etc. It’s like he is on show the whole time and it never gets switched off.
Leisure time is probably rare with you both and if he is idle. it’s a rare thing.
I hate to say it but you may think of yourself as his gf, but to him you are just another possession and one I feel that may be outliving your usefulness to him. He no longer sees you as someone to work on, but as just a failed project.
I’m really sorry OP but no one can ever hope to live up his expectations and his standards. They are simply unattainable.
A likely life changing conversation of this type should not happen like this
Much of this post is about the OP feeling like she isnt enough for him this has been the case from the start and still exists. We here how brilliantly talented he is , his achievements and qualifications and so on. How as a teacher , he has been extremely helpful , generous and a wonderful mentor . More how all that has helped her as a person as a woman and it would seem that the OP feels she has benefitted enormously from his tutelage.
They have been a couple for 2 years and it would appear the OP has put in every effort in trying to make the relationship work and she feels eternally grateful for all that he has done though she acknowledges for some time the communication hasn’t been great.
To say to someone who is clearly looking to make a life commitment to you in bed you are immature, I’m not sexually attracted to you and during sex to not put in effort but to say “ you keep going “ is to put it nicely not very classy.
The concern I have is that the OPs response to that is to question herself and think she needs to be better. The problem here is not her but the guy.
He knows how he feels and he’s known for some time and has enjoyed the fact that OP looks within to herself all the time. A caring person would have had this conversation months ago . A caring guy would say you’ve been wonderful but I’m just not feeling it and accept it’s him.
Also a person who wants a relationship to work would regularly communicate , how do we do this better , are you happy , what do you think of this , it would be a relationship of equality. This certainly doesn’t appear to be the case .
It may not be what the OP wants to hear but the guy needs to lift for this relationship to last and as much as you want it to , it’s important you have an open mind to protect yourself if it doesn’t .
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Edit* I’d like to add that in my opinion it’s the OP that’s the hero here. As she has picked herself up from previously falling. I’d like to hear more about her acknowledging herself , saying good things about who she is and that is her way forward in life.
>there is a slight disconnect for me to really hone down and essentially become a workaholic like my partner. He has basically been mentoring me throughout our relationship to one day become a well-oiled machine of a businesswoman. He wants to fuck that version of me. I want to be the woman we both deserve.
I think he has very high expectations of you and over time this turned into a project or a chore. What happens if you never become his prize well-oiled bw? Would he still respect you? Would you respect you? He is attracted to your potential more than your being, and this has trained you to also only be attracted to your potential. It’s good to grow and you love how much he has helped you grow but now you see it’s never enough. Was he ever attracted to you and your success at the time or was it always about your potential? You already are a woman that you both deserve, having flaws doesn’t make you worthless. Changing for the better only comes from loving yourself enough as you are now. You have made this much growth because you thought he loved you and that helped you love yourself. He even said it himself, he loves an imaginary version of you, the potential.
> I try my best to be a better partner
Better than what? Are you saying you are a bad partner right now? What would it take for him to call you a good partner? We all have growing to do, and it literally takes our entire life. You don’t need to be in a race with him for who is the more oiled business person. You don’t have to be a workaholic like him, are you striving for that because it’s what you want or what he wants? You will never be the perfect partner, none of us will. Perfection is the aim, not the goal. I’m not saying to stop trying to be better, but be careful of losing yourself in this growth.
>He has paid for courses, books, journals, and everything you can think of to optimize my life
This might actually be negative, depending on his motive. Having a big stack of self help books and journals sometimes just make us more anxious about accepting ourselves. Does he do these things because he isn’t attracted to this version of you and he’s searching for a way for you to ‘grow up’? This goes back to him loving your potential instead of you as you are. It is too much to expect this single relationship to check all your boxes for: best friend, mentor, boss, lover, financial advisor, college advisor, life coach. It sounds like you don’t even have friends besides him, is that from spending so much energy on diving into self help for yourself?
Like I said above, he loves a different version of you, a version that might never exist. You are already a woman that deserves love. You deserve somebody that likes you as you are, because you can’t count on change to happen and it does not need to happen at all.
There’s something going on with the power dynamic of your relationship. It seems like you both feel he is superior to you, and I really can’t see how a relationship can work that way.
It seems to me like you both want to even this out, but by changing you to match him. I really think you should get some outside help Så both of you could appreciate you as your own person and in the ways you differ from him.
I think you need to take off the rose colored glasses and you’ll have more confidence. If I had a guy this arrogant as a partner he would be ripped into daily. Men like this love a confident and independent person. They also like a more power struggle dynamic or unconsciously fighting over who is in charge/dominate. Right now you are giving away your power in a weird father/daughter vibes dynamic. You just need to drop the list on paper and be confident in your skin.
Source: I am literally not anywhere near perfect and I do the above naturally as arrogance is my kryptonite.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I feel the same way about my bf. He hasn’t said anything like this but after a while of “being too tired” all the time, you get the point. It does sound like you are doing well for yourself. Only you can decide what’s best to do. I’m not sure if knowing straight up is better or not. But another poster said it correctly. That HE knows how he feels and hes BEEN knowing. If he’s not attracted to you he should not string you along. I wish you luck and love.
The guy is clearly NEGGING you , shut that shit down.
The way you included him as “an authororitive figure” is creepy.
Being a workaholic is a very poor role model imo. What if he gets ill or drops dead next week, what would it all have been for? Are you honestly striving so hard for the life YOU want or the life HE wants and you just want to please him?
What happens if you decide to have kids or want to travel or just tap out and live a simple life and work less?
“He wakes up every morning striving to be his own role model” ,lol , honestly the guy sounds like a total wanker.
Are you 100% sure he’s not gay? The way he behaves towards you is way more like a mentor/boss not a partner. He’s really trying to prove somthing to someone with all his ALL business attitude, Daddy issues???
The hero worship you seem to have going for this guy is alarming to say the least. He sounds like more of a strict father than a boyfriend
So weird.
Many people come to have relationship with a coworker who become a partner.
It looks you are a partner that became a coworker.
Now this immaturity thing when you are 3 years apart for me it talk about hi shtty childhood and not of yours. It made me think to Michael Jackson that became the king of the pop because he worked like a slave his whole life and didn’t had a real childhood. I suspect that your successful 26 years old businessman learn how to make money but not you are supposed to fo with it. Just like calbinist in the 19 century.
Money is costly in non monetary currency. And so is your love. But his… I don’t know. If his parents was absent for work but thrower money on the table when they come back, he probably cannot distinct love and money.