Especially on Reddit when trying to meet people. We talk for a little while and then the conversation just dies. I don’t know what else to say and we just never message each other again.
But recently I started talking to an old friend from about 15 years ago. She moved about an hour and a half away from me a long time ago, so we haven’t met up in person since. I know an hour and a half isn’t that far, but there are other reasons we haven’t met up. Anyway, things were going good. We’ve been talking for a week or so, but now I’m running out of things to talk about. She’s started asking me what I want to talk about and I try to bring something up but it feels so forced and uninteresting. She will also tell me she isn’t having a good day and I say something to try and make her feel better, but then the conversation ends again.
I don’t really get out much or do much so I know that’s a reason I don’t have much to talk about. Nothing going on in my life so I feel like there’s very little I can contribute to conversation and I just feel like I’m very boring. I know this is something I have to work on and start getting out and doing stuff, even if it’s just to give myself something to do rather than sitting at home all day. But I feel like some other people that don’t get out much can still muster up conversation pretty easily. Am I right to assume that, or is it normal to run out of things to talk about when you’re not out doing activities with this person? Can a normal person talk for hours everyday with someone for a week and not run out of things to talk about?
3 comments
It’s normal. If you’ve basically caught up on all recent events with your friend and you don’t have many exciting things going on in your day to day then this is what happens. In my experience, any conversation after this point is somewhat meaningless and is where frustration begins to build up.
I’d recommend just reducing the frequency of your talks. Or doing some sort of activity together. Play a video game or something if you can’t meet up. I talk to my best friend on the phone maybe once or twice a month. Otherwise we have very short message exchanges on IG or text or play video games.
Hi OP,
I think you outline some important insights about your situation in your post. First:
*I don’t really get out much or do much so I know that’s a reason I don’t have much to talk about. Nothing going on in my life so I feel like there’s very little I can contribute to conversation and I just feel like I’m very boring.*
Yes, absolutely. This reminds me of a situation with my parents. My Dad had some health problems, and had to retire early, while my Mom was still working. He didn’t do much, just kind of sat on the couch and watched TV. My Mom later commented to me that my Dad had become a less interesting conversationalist, because he “wasn’t bringing anything back.” She would be out, every day, doing things, and conversing with people, and so she had a lot to talk about. My Dad, not so much.
More recently, I have experienced this myself, during COVID. A friend and I chat every week, on the phone, and the conversations were dull then, because neither of us were getting out much.
But you also outline the solution:
*I know this is something I have to work on and start getting out and doing stuff…*
Yes, this will give you more to talk about, and will likely make you a more enthusiastic and engaged person just in general.
You also say:
*But I feel like some other people that don’t get out much can still muster up conversation pretty easily.*
Yes, that is true too. But even if you have less to say than some other people, you can still work on this and improve. Two suggestions here.
1. One thing I would suggest is taking more of an interest in others–asking questions, and learning more about them. So even if you don’t feel you have a lot to say, you can still converse. Most people love talking about themselves, so this can still work well.
2. Think of situations like “fractals.” They have obvious features, but also these larger, more obvious features also conceal many, many smaller details. Exploring the details expands the amount of conversation you can have about any topic.
You: “I went to a concert last week.”
Other person: “Cool”
The conversation could grind to a halt there, but there are lots of other things you can talk about: “Yeah, it was a metal band, but they had a different sound.” Then you can talk about that. Or you can talk about the stage show, or the crowd that was there, lots of possibilities.
Most topics are greatly expandable if you think about them a bit.
Get the book, how to be yourself by Ellen Hendrickson.