This is a doozy. Please don’t say ” get a divorce ” because it’s not an option. Would just like someone to say it’s ” okay ”
I’ve been with my wife for 15 years now. I was 18 and she was 16 when we started dating in high school. We’ve been married for 12 years this July and we’ve got 3 beautiful kids who are 10, 9 and 7.
The both of us have dedicated our lives to Christ ( in 2019 ) and He has truly fixed what was once a failing and doomed marriage.
The first five years of our marriage were truly amazing. We did a lot of growing up together and navigated being new parents to 3 kids, while still figuring out life. There were some ups and downs and challenges but there was always love, even in the absence of Christ.
That all changed in 2017. My wife had an affair with a guy she met through my mom. She had slept with him a handful of times after she’d meet him at a bar and he’d get her trashed. She confessed it to me and it shattered everything in my soul. I attempted to leave earth early but it didn’t work. We spent months and months fighting but eventually we came to a point where we had both decided we could fix things. And for a while things seemed to work.
But then in 2018 it happend again, and this time with not just one guy but three. It was at this point I decided I couldn’t let myself go through that again. So I told her I wanted a divorce. And we nearly went through with it. But I broke down because I didn’t want to be divorced. I didn’t want to be without her or our entire family together everyday. Even without having God in my life, I always felt Him in it and I knew that divorce was something I couldn’t do. Despite being so young, I meant every word I said to her on our wedding day and I was going to keep that vow, even if she didn’t.
We got back together and began picking up the pieces of our shattered marriage. And I could feel things getting a little better.
But Christ came into our lives in the most unexpected way and it was as if He said ” give it to me. I can fix it. And I can fix both of you.” And He did. Our marriage became whole again. Our family is stronger and better than I ever possibly could have imagined and I have Him to thank for it.
But I’m still struggling with everything that happened in the past. I’m a little jaded still. I’m still a little untrusting and honestly I’m still hurt. That’s not to say that I don’t love my wife because I do more than anything in the whole world. But I’m still struggling with the hurt.
Even before things got bad, she was never an over affectionate woman. She had a lot of childhood trauma with touching and I always respected that. But lately I’ve been feeling like I want her to physically express her love to me. Like I want her to just randomly walk up to me and kiss me. Or to just come sit in my lap while we’re on the couch or in bed.
I know that she loves me. I don’t doubt that. I’m just feeling hurt and honestly jealous and angry that she doesn’t love on me. Even though I’ve repeatedly asked her to in the past. I just want to feel affection physically from her. And the fact that I even have to mention it to her hurts. Last night she went to bed angry with me after I asked her why I’m the one who always has to initiate physical contact.
It makes me feel unworthy and it’s destroying my confidence. Yesterday marked the 5 year point of her cheating the second time and it’s made me upset.Because in my mind I’m asking myself ” why and I begging for physical affection, when she went out of her way to give 4 other men the affection I’m wanting. Why am I not good enough to be on the receiving end of her pursuit the other guys were?”
Again, I love her very much and I really am in love with her and I have zero doubts she feels the same. I just want her to love on me physically. Like I do to her. I want her to show me she loves me and not just say it.
I’m sorry for the winded story. Actually felt really good to get it off my chest. I’ve never really brought up how I’m feeling to anyone because I’m embarrassed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. God Bless!
TL;DR : wife had multiple affairs in past. I’m struggling with it again and I just want her to be affectionate towards me.
42 comments
You don’t want advice as all you want to hear is it’s ” okay “. Don’t know what else to tell you. I especially won’t tell you to divorce and move on because you aren’t interested in hearing what the best course of direction is for someone who has had multiple affairs.
Have you actually done counseling to process this trauma?
I mean what you’re feeling I’m sure most people feel. Discovery day (DDay) as its called i don’t think ever goes away and those days I’m sure sucks.
On top of it the date itself and your wife not being affectionate around it also sucks I’m sure. Like if allll days she should be cognizant of reassuring you and giving you extra should probably be that day
Here’s a post
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/wwcd4b/the_little_things_really_do_matter_today_is_our/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
But yes it’s okay to feel this
You made statements:
You are not divorcing. You have found the Lord. He has done great things for you. BUT
YOU are a human, and he is a God. You have every right to be hurt and sometimes doubtful. Just because you have turned to God, those feelings don’t just go away. If you truly believe she is faithful now, then in your mind say, I am thrilled with the woman in front of me and forgive her past transgressions. BUT forgiving doesn’t do all the healing. The marriage needs to be worked towards every day.
Read the Five Languages of Love with your wife. Enjoy. Take the quizzes and describe to her who you are and what you need to keep the spark in this marriage alive. She must do her part also. God doesn’t do it all!!
Don’t give up, but don’t lay still. And the same goes for your wife too.
And once in awhile, get out of that house. Take a drive, a hike or a dance class and bring that romance BACK into the house!!
Putting everything else aside, if you feel that your wife doesn’t love you, that would be enough to warrant some counseling.
Yes, couples therapy, but she needs to participate fully and honestly. But maybe more importantly, you may want to consider individual counseling to work out the trauma you suffered as a result of her affairs.
I don’t know you, but if you had issues with self-esteem and feeling valued before (like because of your childhood, perhaps) then her infidelity would make it a hundred times worse.
Finally, you deserve to have someone who loves you completely. Nobody wants a divorce, but this is no way to spend the rest of your life.
You want to feel affection, you ask for it and she doesn’t want that. You can’t force someone to love you in a way, they don’t want to.
Check within yourself and fix your problems. You may be in love with the wrong person, but keep them because of codependency and trauma.
All I see is a chaser who tries to get something from someone who doesn’t offer it.
I can understand your position, my wife and I are both Christians as well.
I came from a very abusive childhood and had issues with intimacy.
I would highly suggest your wife get into a therapy program to help her overcome the effects of what she lived through. As well, she really needs individual counseling to understand why she decided to commit infidelity. Please listen to me, infidelity is NOT a mistake. A mistake is buying a bottle of ketchup when you wanted mustard, or over correcting when driving and having a wreck. Infidelity is a series of choices, many choices, along with deception and not caring about hurting others.
While your wife is forgiven by Christ, she still needs to truly repent, an that means understanding the WHY and learning to modify her thinking and behavior to never do it again. Life will not get less stressful, it just is.
You are OK. She, I think, is not.
Your feelings are 100% valid and appropriate. You have an immense heart and should be proud of yourself that you have maintained your family through all this. You are heroic. I would not have been able to take your course of action.
Yeah…….none of this is ok.
Cheating 1 time is hard to forgive. Cheating 4 times is ridiculous. My man, you’ve dodged the obvious issues in your life by “giving it to God” rather than actually dealing with it. You need therapy and, bluntly, a divorce.
Read the book “The Body Keeps the Score”. You attempted to bury emotional trauma and its finally manifesting itself. Unfortunately, there is not an easy or healthy way out of this. Its unlikely you will ever build a mutually fulfilling marriage out of it. So much time has passed allowing habits to manifest.
Dude, I know this isn’t what you want to hear but Christ (pun intended) she is a cheater. Period. Will not change.
She has zero respect for you. She has zero respect for your marriage. Personally I wouldn’t put up with that for one more second. Have some self respect here!
First off, research codependency and what it is. You are the textbook definition of this term. Secondly, why on earth would you let her walk all over you like that. You say you are a Christian, but I think you are using that as a crutch. See the codependency thing above.
I’d like to comment on your mention of your wife’s schizophrenic diagnosis and prescribed meds. I think this is what most stood out to me. Your wife has a serious mental illness and many of these issues really show up in early adulthood. I’m not excusing your wife’s affairs. I get it. It’s devastating. However, I don’t think you can discount that she was getting drunk and having sex with strangers. It really didn’t mean anything to her. Her actions are likely related to the escalation of her mental illness.
I know she hurt you, but you say it’s like night and day and she is two different people. I agree with most people here that you would benefit from some counseling (not through the church as your wife’s mental illness is beyond traditional marital counseling). If I were you, I’d go to a professional and try to work through my feelings and learn as much as possible about schizophrenia and the effects of her medications. It’s possible that her meds contribute to her lack of sexual/affectionate initiation.
I hope you find peace.
Probably a lot of carpet sweeping for the affairs. Sorry. Your wife is a serial cheater. DNA you children. File for D.
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She doesn’t love you.
“The both of us have dedicated our lives to Christ ( in 2019 ) and He has truly fixed what was once a failing and doomed marriage. ”
Doesn’t sound like it. Not one bit.
“there was always love, even in the absence of Christ.”
Do you understand how annoy is it to talk this way?
I’m glad you got it off your chest. Next time, the infidelity will probably be with you pastor or some guy from your church. That’s REALLY gonna suck. Good luck.
Theres a sucker born every minute and some turn to faith based methods to live with it.
Her affairs will never not have happened.
She made her choices you made yours and here you are.
So you have to live from this day forward and accept the past which will not change.
It’s the only option.
Was she that way when u first got together? Did she express her love by initiating and doing all the physical things u now desire? You never explained that. U said things about her childhood trauma. So if that’s how she was from the beginning then why do you think she will change now?
Forgive me. I am not trying to be a jerk, just stating things how I see them as simply as I can. For whatever reason you are not the type of guy she is into showing affection to. The other 4 were. If you can continue in a marriage knowing that, you have more resolve than me. I could not.
You ARE worthy of someone who loves you the way you want to be loved. I am sorry this happened to you.
You’ve already expressed what you need and she has made it clear that she can’t give that to you. Divorce is not on the table and that’s fine. This now means you need to lower your expectations for her. You need to accept that she will not change her affection towards you no matter how much you want it. You cannot control her behavior, only how you react to it. If you’re asking for advice, here it is, shift your expectations to what she can give you. You have to learn to accept what she is able to give in regards to affection. So maybe you accept that she will never initiate affection, only you will. Expectation management. Once you learn to accept that, you will no longer feel disappointed and frustrated. That’s all you can do.
wtf bro i don’t even know what to say but she knows she can do what she wants so she dose its on you at this point
Several things – it’s in your head because you’ve never actually worked through it. Are you in therapy? Are you in therapy as a couple. You said things like ‘he got her smashed.’ Was she forced? Or she got herself smashed? First make sure you’re leaving the responsibility with her for what happened. She’s the reason for all of this. And while maybe she loves you, is she in love with you? Are you in love with her? Those are different things.
Divorce is always an option when it comes to infidelity. The only exception is when you live in a country that doesn’t allow it. You can’t use your religious beliefs to hide from the basic truth that sometimes the relationship can’t work and won’t work.
I’d be less concerned about the past and more so on tomorrow’s affairs. Those are avoidable or predictable.
I let my wife’s affair(s) ruin my happiness for 15 years. Then just last year, I found out she was screwing 3 different guys plus me for the past few years without my knowledge.
Our circumstances are definitely different, but I do see some similarity between them too. If I were you, I’d pay more attention to what you can avoid or prevent tomorrow instead of dwelling on the past. Let it be the template for what to look for if you become curious or paranoid. Whichever..
Chances are, it will happen again. Not to plant that seed or anything, but I’d definitely keep my eyes and ears open and pay close attention to her. She could be an excellent liar or manipulator, so keep that in mind as you go forward.
Good luck either way.
I feel your pain fyi.
She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t. I know you need to believe she does. I know she tells you she does. I know you desperately want to believe she’s as in love with you as you are her because you love and want her so much.
But she doesn’t. She. Doesn’t. I think deep down you know that. A person can *feel* it and I think you can feel it. I don’t think you’d be here if you were totally secure in how you felt about her feelings towards you.
She won’t hug or kiss you, even knowing you crave and need that affection from her but she’ll sleep with four random men from the bar??
I know nothing anyone says here will change how you feel about her.
But you’ll never find the peace you’re looking for. Not even if we all said “it’s okay” a thousand times to you, over and over.
Because it’s not okay.
It never goes away. You will have okay days. Start taking care of yourself, doing things for yourself. You won’t get what you want from her. You probably never will.
Your wife probably can’t show you affection. Your her security. Her safety. She probably can’t show or do things with you that she had no problem with other men because she loves you and didn’t them. Some affairs happen that way. Especially with past trauma.
If your five years removed and your struggling because she won’t love on you physically, we’ll I say she’s still abusing you. So just like Jesus, turn the other cheek. Good luck.
You can try posting in r/asoneafterinfidelity They’ll love the shit out of you over there, you’re a wet dream for that crowd.
Is God a metaphor for “we swept this whole thing under the rug”?
If you are not gonna consider divorcing someone who cheated on you multiple times, you are gonna live a terrible life. Sorry, but it is just how it is. She belongs on the street, and you deserve something better than this. Grow some courage, leave her, and go live a fulfilling life. It is still possible. You may feel like you love her, but you don’t. She doesn’t love you either. You are just afraid, and that is normal. Sit alone and reflect. Think what kind of life you envision. Would your past self be proud of what you are deciding to do? It’s hard to think when you are too close, so try to think outside of your own perspective. Don’t let fear rule your life. You can always take charge and do what’s right.
Sorry OP but I have a conscience and I refuse to endorse domestic abuse.
Being cheated on four times is traumatic as hell. No amount of religion can wash that away. And you both need to understand that.
Did she confess all these to you? The three guys in one year part is pretty nuts
Unfortunately you are unlikely to ever get past this because, going by how you described the first cheating, you didn’t deal with that in a healthy way and she did not feel remorse for it.
She didn’t cheat with the guy multiple times because he “got her trashed”. She cheated with the guy multiple times because multiple times she wanted to have sex with him more than she cared about you.
She escalated to three guys because there no consequences. Again, you backed down and she faced no consequences.
It haunts you because you know you gave in and she wasn’t truly sorry, and in the back of your mind you are waiting for the next shoe to drop.
You’ve got a whole mixed bag of issues. It’s not okay to feel this way because your martyring yourself for the sake of your family, but your wife did unforgivable things that destroyed it, whether you realize or not. How would you feel if you caught her a 3rd (5th\, actually) time?
Have you tried independent counciling and marrage counciling?
You both married very young and your wife has childhood trauma she needs to have resolved. Getting help from a professional may help you both repair what was lost.
I’m sorry your wife did this to you. I think based on your story it’s pretty simple to see you love your wife and have more physical attraction to her then she does you. She doesn’t initiate physical acts with you because she doesn’t see you in that way. There’s a reason for everything in life and that’s the reason she cheated and also being with you this long. Take a long look at your life now and decide if you want to continue this way.
It sounds like you’re still in love with the idea of your marriage but subconsciously you’re still processing it.
Individual therapy would do wonders.
For what’s it worth, you can still love your wife and the person she was — but not be with her. Marriage is built on communication and trust and she’s proven to not be a good partner.
There are other women out there that may fulfill you in ways you don’t even realize.
“”give it to me. I can fix it. And I can fix both of you.” And He did.”
If that were true, this post wouldn’t exist.
What would it mean to you if she started doing these things you want after having to ask her to do them? I don’t want my wife to do anything I have to beg her to do because it would mean nothing to me. I have been with my wife for 30 years and when we are together we are constantly touching each other whether it be holding hands or she will hold my arm while walking through the store, we hold hands while watching TV and sometimes when going to sleep at night, I am truly in love with her and I know she feels the same and for the most part that is what women do when they are in love they want to touch you and kiss you and be around you all the time, you are not going to want to hear this but she cheated 4 times and that alone shows she not only does not respect you but definitely not in love with you, can that change of course but you are not going to force nor should you want to, it is a total turn off for any woman to have a needy man and I’m not trying to be mean about this. I am also not saying she does not love you either and that you need to divorce just change your tactics
I mean….it’s literally not ok. How can you say your in love with someone who would betray you this horrible not once but 4 separate times? You really don’t believe there’s gonna be a 5th? 6th? I mean this your life and your choice. Don’t be a doormat and simp….especially for someone who would do that to you.
At the same time. If this is truly what you want….then this is what it is
First off, are you both totally committed to making this work?
I would start with communication counseling.
You are communicating love languages in different ways. You both need to learn how you want to receive it and how you currently display it and communicate that to the other. Find out what you value and trade information.
Then work on your communication as a couple in general. While I understand your message when you say to her you want to know why you’re the only one initiating physical contact, it isn’t the most effective way to calmly and with love express an issue you have with the relationship. Look into Gottman and check out the seven principles or the relationship cure.
Lastly, if she has past trauma, if it’s gone unresolved, it could be manifesting itself in unhealthy ways (like the cheating). It would be my recommendation that she look into trauma therapy if she hasn’t already.
Just my thoughts. Good luck.
This is terribly sad, and I’m very sorry you’re going through it. Your wife has treated you and your marriage with enormous disrespect, certainly grounds for divorce. Since you said that’s off the table, your only other options are to get to the bottom of **why** she is acting the way she is and try to address her pain points, or to accept things as they are and live as roommates as amicably as you can until one of you dies. Oof, that’s bleak.
Since I’m assuming you’re going to go for the middle option, I have some questions:
Does she actually want to be religious, or is that led by/encouraged/forced by you? Christianity can be extremely repressive and misogynistic, so I have to ask: are you expecting her to conform to a belief system that makes her less-than, subservient, or limits her freedom and/or self-determination **in any way**?
You say that she loves you, but you also say she isn’t affectionate. That, plus her other actions, are a strong counterpoint to that claim. What makes you think she loves you?
What are you doing (outside of religious activities) to maintain this relationship? What kind of partner are you? What kind of partner is she?
Do you think she’s attracted to you? Why or why not? If not, were you ever attractive to her? Why or why not?
Do you two do anything as a couple? Date nights? Shared hobbies? Even TV shows or movies that you both enjoy?
Has she offered any kind of explanation for her actions? If so, what was it?
Would you consider secular counseling to work through this? Would she?
——–
Look. I’m HS sweethearts with my wife too. We were 17 and 16 when we got together, and there have been many peaks and valleys along the way. Life is stressful, and things like kids, financial difficulty, job stress, family drama, sex life struggles, conflicting desires in life, and everything else can be… a lot. We even survived our own infidelity situation. Humans are pretty resilient, but to get better from this, you’re both going to have to commit to doing the work of rebuilding. That means you have to be willing to hear things you don’t like — not just be told them, but really *hear* them — and she does too. That requires trust, which has to be rebuilt.
Honestly, I think you need professional help. Either a counselor or an attorney, the choice is yours… and unless the church you joined is the kind that hangs rainbow banners from the rafters and proclaims that they welcome all, etc., then I would steer clear of church counseling.
Good luck!