Hi everyone!
I’ve got this thing where I am often really dry/serious when I’m talking to people I don’t know very well.
I don’t really experience it with good friends and my parents/sibling, although I sometimes also have it when I haven’t spoken to them in a while.
I’ve even got it with colleagues that I work with every day, classmates, friends of friends, or someone I’ve already had a few dates with. (And even with some family members that I barely see. (Uncles & Aunts)
At my previous job, some colleagues were often joking around a bit and having fun with each other, and they tried to involve me, but for some reason I almost always just laughed at their jokes but didn’t join in, or I replied in quite a dry/serious manner.
It’s not that I don’t understand that they’re joking, or that I don’t know what to say, but I just kind of ‘don’t dare’ to say it and stay quite silent/reserved the whole time. I’d love to be more witty and have fun instead.
Is there anything I can do to improve this? I already tried the ‘just do it and start very slow and gradually build up’ method, but I can’t even do it for the first time.
3 comments
You answered it Yourself. You said You don’t dare.. well.. now.. why? Are You afraid of others opinions of what You say? Do You afraid to sound rude or sarcastic or mean?
Maybe just take the pressure down from Yourself. If want to say something, then say! If You don’t feel like it, fine, don’t say anything! Give Yourself a permission to “flow freely” don’t set boundaries, don’t add pressure! Don’t overthink this all thing that is called “Life” ✌🏻
You’ll struggle to change this behaviour if you don’t identify the root cause of why you “don’t dare” to join in.
Do you have social anxiety & are overly focused on what they think of you? Is it that you’ve been so focused on proving your work performance you’ve forgotten the building relationships soft skills? Do you dislike your coworkers or feel uncomfortable around them? Are you afraid of embarrassing yourself?
Once you’ve worked it out, dipping your toe in the water to just do it may be necessary but keep it small. E.g. challenge yourself to join in on laughing at other people’s jokes for the fortnight even if you don’t tell any yourself. Make small talk with them in the kitchen when making coffee so you start building a social relationship.
Pay attention & keep a mental tally of how many times someone else tries to crack a joke & it doesn’t get a big laugh. If they aren’t kicked from the group for not being 100% hilarious 100% of the time, than neither will you.
Personally, I’ve found it helps to focus on changing your behavior in a way that still lines up with whatever mental block is dictating your current behavior.
I have trouble with casual conversations with coworkers because I feel like I never know when it’s acceptable to switch from work-talk to personal-talk and drop the formal business persona, but trying to be more casual or personal in these situations is uncomfortable because it feels inappropriate for the setting. Instead, I’ve started to focus on just seeming warm and engaged, rather than forcing myself to share personal information or match my coworkers. This is so much more comfortable because it feels like an acceptable way to be in both work and casual settings, and acting along this line of thinking still results in me being more involved in casual conversations.