Have you ever gotten the feeling that you’re the reason people run away from you?

31 comments

1. Sounds like a lot of the people around you are not that emotionally mature or secure in themselves and therefore turn it back on you if they feel attacked or hurt in any small way.

   I guess you have two choices. One is that you soften your approach. A lot of people want their friends to give them a boost, overlook their shortcomings and stick up for them. You have to remember that friendships are pretty fragile at first and usually people only get to the open and honest phase a bit later on when the relationship is a bit stronger. But if you feel you can’t bite your tongue because it goes against your integrity then I think you’d have to go for option 2: just keep doing what you’re doing and eventually you’ll find people who appreciate the way you are as it’s a wide world out there. But maybe have a think if you really do need to be blunt in every situation.

2. Most people doing that assignment will choose positive or neutral words to describe themselves. Your friend asked for your input and you chose a word with a negative connotation. Her reaction to that is unsurprising.

3. My approach is to own who I am and let others join the party. Everybody’s invited but if they don’t want to come then that’s okay.

   You owe nothing to anybody, and nobody owes anything to you. So be yourself! It gets very tiring trying to mould yourself to be friends with everyone.

   On the contrary, be aware of when you actually are an arsehole with aggressive/destructive behaviour, but as you are seemingly cognisant enough of yourself to write a post about it, I don’t believe you are.

   I don’t have many friends but the ones I do I very much enjoy spending time with. When life gets busy and free time is rare, you want to spend it with people who are worthwhile.

4. You’ll feel much better about yourself when you decide to just be yourself and try to modulate yourself socially but in general not say anything if it doesn’t match with who you really are as a person. Authenticity terrifies people.

   There’s a lot of things about me that when people hear them they say, “Oh, that can’t be true,” and then they look it up later and they realize that yes that is true. If I tried really hard to please people all the time, I would negate half of the things that I like about myself.

   One caveat, it depends on the code of the culture that you’re in or living in at that moment. If you go too far outside social norms then people will leave you behind because no one really wants to be on the outside of a group.

5. one of the few posts I enjoyed reading all the comments here were mostly constructive and even found myself getting helped reading I have the same problem but for different reason

6. Well, I often see these post where people are worried they might be the problem, and most of the comments say something along the lines of “The people around you are assholes, they are immature, etc”. If truly EVERYONE in your life responds in a similar fashion, then you might have problems with tonality for example. My younger sister often adds a bitchy undertone to a lot of what she says but truly does not mean it as such, so i often point it out whenever she does it and so shes tries to correct it. Something I would do is sit down with the most logical person you know and ask them what they dislike about you.

7. I have an issue with being too brutally honest, and apparently most people don’t like that. I’m not mean, but if you’re fucking up I’ll tell you straight forward.

8. [deleted]

9. Sounds like you do what a friend of mine does, you “talk too much”. You didn’t need to add that she can be loud sometimes, it didn’t add to the conversation at all and she obviously took that as an insult/personal attack.

   It’s fine to be honest/truthful, but there are things you can think and don’t need to say. What you need to do is put yourself in their shoes, why did she point that word out, why is she asking you if you think she’s aggressive? To me it sounds like she wanted some type of validation from you (in this case just a “no” response) but instead you gave her that with an added insult. Maybe to you it was just an after thought, but obviously not to her.

10. Consider if this resonates with you.

    I think I can be a bit rude sometimes, so I have to think to myself before I speak “is what I’m going to say useful? Is it necessary?”. Maybe thinking in those terms can help you out.

11. Sounds like you are the reason, honestly. I get that you don’t like talking when the teacher is, but from what’s implied it seems like she was actually willing to talk about it, in the moment. Doesn’t necessarily seem like the problem was having the conversation, as it much as it is her feeling like you’re always the one that decides the dynamics of things (?) — “Talking over me” and “when you feel like it” sound to me like she thinks you’re the one that does these things unilaterally and without any regards for others

    You’ve also gotta remember that 99% of people are actually really bad at communicating (whether or not you want to be around them is up to you) and not everyone communicates in the same ways or has the same level of maturity.

12. It’s good that you’re reflecting because oftentimes when you post on subs like this one it ends up resonating with a lot of Redditors, and you end up with an echo chamber of yes-men who tell you that everyone else is wrong. From what I gather, it seems she feels unheard by you. It looks like she perceives you to be this authoritative force that decides things on your terms; talking over her, only talking when you feel like it, etc.

    I don’t know if these things are true necessarily, but it’s always possible that the people in your life ‘run away’ because they don’t feel like they get can through to you on the terms they’d like to (despite you thinking you’re an understanding person). Maybe try and sit the people who ‘run’ from you down and ask them how they feel about you and how you can better your relationships with them (especially during conflicts).

    As for the people who aim to fire back at you instead of talk? That’s a pretty normal human reaction when people don’t have proper conflict-resolution skills. Telling the truth isn’t *always* the best choice, and just being honest doesn’t seem like it would be something that prevents you from making friends. Are you always in situations where you’re being asked your opinion or something? You have to ask some questions before you can uproot anything.

13. Honestly? It sounds like people run away because they might overwhelmed by or tired of you. The ‘honesty’ stuff and the way your friend described you makes it sound like people might think you act on things unilaterally and it’s pointless to talk things out.

    I’m not saying it’s your fault, but maybe try asking them why they run from you. Communication is the most crucial thing in relationships.

14. Tough to say. But don’t give your self the idea, for one second, that you’re destined to be alone.

15. You need to accept hat you are imperfect and can be repulsive at times. We all can. No one is exceptional all the time. Admiring you can suck is a start. She said you talk over her and you argued about it. I would runaway too!

16. Talking too much and not listening to what other people are saying is a turn-off for many people.

    Everyone thinks they are “telling the truth”. A lot of people even take pride in being incredibly blunt and no caring what other people think. I’ve seen people pull it off, but you gotta put in extra work to be nice to the people around you if you’re gonna go through life talking without a filter.

    In your example, your classmate obviously has some insecurities about being perceived as too aggressive, and was looking to you for validation/comfort. The safe response would be to comfort her (“no, you’re not aggressive, you just speak your mind!”), a more honest response should probably be sandwiched between two compliments (“Dude we go way back. Yeah you are aggressive as fuck but that’s what I love about you.”)

17. Please check out the book “The Laws of Human Nature” by Robert Greene. I think that based on how you even worded this post you would greatly benefit from it if you’re willing to look at yourself objectively and be very dispassionate and disconnected about it so that you can get to the root of your issue. Good luck

18. Putting yourself in someone’s shoes means predicting how an other person will interpret or take what you said. You said that you would like to hear your own opinion, but you are thinking of it as if you were literally on the other end of your words. The people you are talking to have different experiences, knowledge, opinions on manners, preferences, etc. than you. When talking to anyone you should really be considering how that person given who they are (not you), how they will receive your words. And if you don’t know them well or can’t decide how they will take something, then be cordial with your communication. Err on the side of caution so you don’t hurt someone’s feelings. THINK is an acronym used to describe thoughtful communication. I copied this from another website:

    Is it True?
    Is it Helpful?
    Am I the one to say it? What are the Intentions and Impact?
    Is it Necessary, is Now the best time?
    Is it Kind?

    I think what is also important is how you respond if you hurt someone’s feelings. In the example you gave, I agree the rest of the discussion probably should have waited till after class. Your friend was a bit of a butt for walking out. Many people don’t know how to communicate directly that their feelings are hurt and just give people the cold shoulder. It wasn’t till I was your age till I recognized that I did that and worked on communicating my feelings. When someone seems to run away or not be direct that you hurt them, I would probably just right away say I’m sorry if my words hurt you and I will try not to be so blunt. Something like that and then give em time to get over it. Hopefully your friend comes around.

19. It sounds like you have communication flaws, and they have some communication flaws. They’re baffled by your flaws and think that their flaws make perfect sense, and you’re baffled by their flaws and think that your flaws make perfect sense.

20. 1. you described your friend as “aggressive” when you meant “loud”
    2. your friend explained that you talk over her so she has to raise her voice in order for you to listen to her
    3. you then proceed to talk over your friend when she tries to talk to you
    4. your friend gets understandably upset

    dude, please be kinder to people. people who describe themselves as “honest” or “brutally honest” are actually just people who like to say whatever they want, whenever they want it while expecting to not face consequences for their actions.

    if you’re going to be a dick expect to not have any friends.

21. If it is a problem for you not having friends, and you think, based on logical thinking, that it’s likely that you are the problem, and being that you are the closest person to the origin of the problem (yourself) and you sound like a pretty smart person, I think you can start by working on yourself to see if that changes something.

22. Yes, I have been my own worst enemy for the longest time. I would always try and interpret a deeper meaning to the seemingly mundane questions people would ask me. If they asked me if I think they are beautiful, I would interpret it as they have a self-esteem issues and my answer would either become convoluted or just sound rude. Although my intent was good, it comes off as harsh.

    Not only did I realize I was overthinking other people’s questions but I also realized that they never wanted an honest opinion(even when they ask for one) they either just want to be validated because someone called them beautiful or have you encouraged/support them because someone else called them ugly.

    If you want to talk a bit more OP, my dm is open. I can try and give you more of my POV and my thoughts if you want it

23. “Honesty without tact is cruelty” is a good one to remember – sometimes delivery of the message is just as important as the message. Having said, there are many people who also value honesty as much as you do and maybe you just need to find a connection where this is the case?

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25. Do you even like this person you’re talking about? Because putting aside this whole “brutal honesty, cut and dry, I’m pure logic like Spock” persona, the situation was: something you said hurt her, she wanted to talk it out, and while yes, the timing wasn’t perfect, you cut her off. And you seem to have a list of other complaints about her. And maybe she’s actually loud and childish and makes a show of small things, none of those qualities are objectively bad. However if YOU don’t like it and find it annoying, you probably just shouldn’t be friends, instead of using it to fight over which personality type is “correct”.

26. > She then responded, “it’s because if I talk lower you’re going to talk over me (like you always do)

    > …she began to speak, and I politely asked her “can we talk about this later at a better time?”

    I feel like I have to point this out. Your friend mentioned a specific behavior you do that bothers her, and within seconds you did the exact thing she was talking about. Of course she’s pissed!

    I get that chit-chatting during class isn’t okay, but by only enforcing that rule when you’re uncomfortable, you’re basically using it as a tool to control the conversation. She’s doing an activity that requires a certain level of vulnerability, you engaged her enough to start helping her out, and then cut her off when it got to be too much. That’s going to make her feel rejected and like an inconvenience. Couple that with interrupting her again after she called you out for it, and she’s kind of right to be mad. Not cool for her to bother you during class, but maybe that’s something she’s come to expect you’ll be okay with.

    The kind thing would have been to say right away “I’ll help you after class” or “not a good time, trying to focus”. That’s *actually* honest, and sets you on a better direction for the conversation. In the immortal words of Ron Swanson, never half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing at a time.

27. OP, I was reading you replies along with the post and one thing comes to mind – superiority complex, or at least similar behaviour like it.

    Being socially tuned doesn’t mean having a high tolerance to harsh words and/or being totally honest. Most people have an average emotional and social intelligence and average isn’t thick skinned enough to handle your approach with them. If you want to be socially attuned, you have to take into account how your words affect others, including what you choose to say and how you say it.

    When conversing with someone, your truth doesn’t mean it is her truth and both of your truths doesn’t mean they are facts.

    I also see a problem with your handling of criticism. You do get very defensive with little to none self reflection when you are faced with a critique. You can see it in the post – you said to her what you think about her, without filtering it as you own opinion, but as a fact. When she came back at you with her own critique (ignoring how true it is), you asked is that truly how she feels. Look closely at that situation, you stated your opinion as a fact, but her opinion is her opinion, plus you added “truly” in the mix, implying she should reflect on her words, effectively deflecting her criticism and then shutting any conversation about it down. You didn’t treat her words equally at all.

    Human power of speech and language is a tool that we use to communicate our thoughts, but it isn’t perfect. That is why there are many subtle nuisance when you speak that can give a sentence completely different meaning, nevermind how the other person perceives it. Sarcasm being one of good examples.

    I feel like you should work on being more flexible with people. Practice gratitude in your life, so when you speak with someone and notice some character trait that someone has, don’t be quick to put through your filter of good/bad, but be grateful you got to know it because you now know how you can approach that particular person and make them feel good, so later they can be there for you when you need something from them. Effectively making them want to be your friend.

    Your “no-bullshit” approach is a “full of bullshit” approach to someone else’s opinion. You can hold into your beliefs but if you want to introduce change into your life, you will have to make them fluid. It is evidently that you aren’t satisfied with your current situation, so think if it is worth keeping some of them.

    Also, you have to give before you receive. You said it yourself, they have to give you merit before you give back but that approach is off putting to a lot of people. Socially savvy people are generous with their actions without expecting something back. Of course, if they aren’t reciprocating at reasonable amount, they are not worth it and there are many people that are bad and you wouldn’t want to be friends with them but it still stands that you should give value to others if you want people to stay with you as friends and give some value back.

28. I think you’re too stuck on being logical and don’t connect with people. Which makes sense with your military background. Sometimes being purely logical makes people feel unseen and unheard. People have feelings and if you want long-term, healthy relationships, you have to relax on being so purely logical and operate from emotion and with empathy with your friends, lovers, and family. It’s a hard thing to learn. To feel and to not intellectualize everything. It makes people feel like you don’t care about them. It makes people feel like objects. People are not A+B=C. People are prisms, if that makes sense.

    That’s what I’m getting a sense of. You want to be logical so much that people around you don’t feel like people. Logic is great for solving problems and working. Logic isn’t the ONLY thing you need a grasp of to have relationships with PEOPLE. People who have feelings, who have been on their own journeys, who have a vast spectrum of emotions, and feel love and connection. Logic doesn’t foster connection.

    I used to be that way, “I’d wanna know if I were them.” Ok, but they’re not you. That’s what empathy is. Acknowledging and seeing that someone has a different perspective and has been affected differently. So you can’t do what would work for you. You’re not dealing with you, you’re dealing with a different person. They are sitting with and FEELING their feelings, in the moment. You can’t always push feelings aside for “a better time.” And it feels dismissive to always do that. There are times you have to and times when you don’t.

    You sound like you compartmentalize your own feelings very well. Efficient and logical. Most people don’t do that. Most people go through the motions regardless of circumstances because that’s human. Not saying you’re not but sometimes when you’ve been through harsh realities you pick up the logic and compartment skills really well and then you start having relationships and that doesn’t work. You have to feel. You have to feel with people sometimes. And it’s not always at the optimal time. You have to let that go sometimes if you want long-term relationships without weird silent periods. People eventually stop coming back. Not to sound harsh but over time, people learn that dynamic isn’t healthy and move on.

29. >She then responded, “it’s because if I talk lower you’re going to talk over me (like you always do).”. I then asked her “is that how you really feel?”. She begins to shrug it off in a way as if I had done something to upset her, she began to speak, and I politely asked her “can we talk about this later at a better time?”. She then responds speaking on how I always have to have it my way, “we only talk when you feel like it, huh?”.

    Your friend indicates she’s upset that you talk over her. You respond by asking her if that’s how she really feels, which comes off as an odd/patronising comment in this context (why *wouldn’t* she be sure?), and then when she tries to answer you proceed to talk over her to say it’s not a good time to talk.

    I honestly can’t wrap my head around how you can’t see this isn’t polite or friendly, it’s you doing exactly what she told you upset her.

    If this is genuinely something you want to work on, try actively considering the words you use in terms of what the impact will be on the person hearing them. E.g. you chose the word “aggressive”, which generally has negative connotations but especially when applied to women, and then qualified by saying she was loud. Loud and aggressive often go together but they aren’t synonyms. If you meant loud then that’s the word you should’ve used, not aggressive. Even then, loud is also a word that’s often applied to people (but particularly women) in a negative sense. Take a moment to consider if loud was the best descriptor or if what you really meant was extroverted, or energetic (if this was a friend, I presume you thought nice things generally about her after all).

    The other thing is to not underestimate the impact of an apology. This was a private convo between you and a friend, not some admission of legal liability or something that would impact your grades or career. The thing at stake was your friendship. In that situation, you have to ask yourself what you care about more: not admitting potential fault or keeping your friendship?

    A different response could have been something like “I was trying to think of one word to say that you can be loud when you talk about something you’re passionate about. I didn’t mean it in a bad way, I love your enthusiasm! I can see that it was a poor word choice though & I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, that wasn’t my intention.” Wherever possible, friends try to explain their position without further hurting or invalidating the other person’s feelings.

30. I feel that way sometimes too

31. you want to sound smart but you’re really aren’t.