Should I worry that my response is unhealthy? Is it common for people who perform non-vanilla sex to have mixed feelings about what they are doing?
Context; he (24m) is doing whatever he wants to me (22f), mostly facefucking and fingering, which is my problem because after one orgasm I am sensitive and he’s going for round 2 more roughly that the first round. And it hurts so bad while giving me little to no physical pleasure, probably because of the pain. But I don’t say our safeword. Even tho I feel no pleasure only pain physically, mentally I find it extremely hot that he’s doing whatever he wants, holds me in place so I cannot move and doesn’t react to my “please stop” (he stops only on safeword). Sometimes I would even purposely make him angry so he’s even more rough in bed. Same with facefucking, even though I can barely breathe I love when he uses me.
I’ve been recently wondering if this is healthy? Maybe I should talk to him about that, but what should I say? I don’t have any particular problem or need, it all just seems somewhat inappropriate and unhealthy. I was wondering if people who perform non-vanilla / bdsm sex can have such a mixed mindset. Is being into physical pain okay?
21 comments
Unless you’ve negotiated this beforehand it shouldn’t take a safe word to slow things down or stop something that hurts.
It’s okay to be into anything as long as both parties consent and are comfortable, and it doesn’t hurt anyone (or at least anyone else, if you like a little pain and aren’t causing lasting damage). But you need to talk to him and use the safe word, otherwise he won’t know it’s actually hurting you or that you don’t like it. It’s normal to question some things during sex. Sometimes you try things and don’t like them, or stop liking them, and that’s okay. In a healthy relationship, you’ll both adjust so everyone is comfortable again.
If you’re enjoying the situation and the pain and it’s not causing physical damage, that’s fine. If you really want him to stop but just feel like you can’t say the safeword for some reason, that’s a problem.
It’s not unusual to feel conflicted about being into that kind of stuff. Overall, you should always feel safe and know that you can communicate openly and use your safeword without backlash.
The purpose of a safe word is to stop the act when you are in pain and/or not getting any pleasure out of the situation. Only you know deep down if you should use the safe word. I would suggest you talk to your partner and make sure you explain your sensitivity and pain issues. He surely is not aware.
Nothing inherently unhealthy about it as long as it causes you no other harm..
It seems more that you feel guilty over enjoying taboo things..
It sounds bad and unhealthy.
Physical pain is a +/-. But if you are injured, that’s pretty bad.
The only part I’m wondering about is making him argry so that he is more rough. Rough sex being driven by real anger can be dangerous. That coupled with your unwillingness to use your safe word can be a little worrisome.
Outside of that though, it seems like the arousal from what he is doing is outweighing the desire for it to stop which is fine.
I worry about the long term consequences to your sexual trauma responses if you continue. What you are engaging in is borderline SA type role play or fantasy and thats ok, if you are clear on it, but if you are using words like “please stop” and you’re actually wanting him to stop and has not stopping, this has trouble brewing. He really shouldn’t be ignoring the words “please stop”, unless thats been discussed and agreed upon.
Being into pain isn’t that uncommon. Specially with kink. And it’s not uncommon for people to enhance that with CNC play.
How’s the aftercare game? Are you talking about this?
If you feel you’re unable to say it your safe word you could have him check in now and then during the scene. “What’s your safe word? Are you ready for more?”
Some people enjoy pain. The line between pain and pleasure can be a very fine one.
It sounds to me like you enjoy consensual nonconsent – you tell him to stop, but you don’t REALLY want him to stop, as you don’t use the safe word. The only problem I’d see here is if you were choosing to not use the safe word out of fear of his reaction – but you indicate that you don’t use it because you are enjoying the sex, even if it’s painful.
These things are PERFECTLY okay. It would be wrong of him to hurt you if you didn’t want him to. If you’re into it, awesome for you.
My only advice would be to NOT neglect aftercare. Once the rough sex is done, you need to cuddle, to affirm that you love/care for one another, that this is just sex – not a situation of him using you and truly not caring how you feel. Reaffirm that emotional bod, don’t overlook the critical importance of this.
If it’s causing you unwanted physical pain you speak up and talk to him about it. The biggest mistake I made with sex in my 20’s was not speaking up for my own pleasure. Saying I don’t like this and I do like that wasn’t even an option to me then. Sex has never been better and that’s because I speak up and say I like this and I don’t like that. You can’t continue to sit and suffer through that. If he’s any sort of decent man he isn’t going to want to be putting you through pain. But, he doesn’t know that it’s hurting you because you’re not saying so!
> Is being into physical pain okay?
In a BDSM context? I mean, what do you think the M stands for?
As long as your safeword is instantly and unquestioningly honored the moment you DO choose to use it, you’re fine. If you’re playing in uncomfortable territory but you are getting off on it, that’s completely legit and speaks to the whole point of BDSM. Now, if you’re not using your safeword when you really really want to be, and the reason you are doing so is not because you want to explore and push past your own limits but rather because you are afraid to find out if your partner will ignore your safeword, that’s a HUGE problem.
If that’s at all something you’re worried about you probably shouldn’t be with this person or engaging in these types of kinks, but if you insist on doing so I suggest you set boundaries around a couple things that aren’t necessarily bothersome for you but will act as “tripwires”: If he disregards those boundaries it’s a clear indication that he can’t be trusted with the important stuff.
I will say that the particular nature of your kink makes it very important to prioritize aftercare and communication with your partner about what works and why it works, and to identify areas where the discomfort is not worth the benefit. As the submissive masochist in this dynamic it’s even more important that you cultivate an awareness of your body and its signals so you can find ways to explore pain, roughness, and discomfort that maximize the “turned on” feelings while minimizing the potential for actual damage.
Yes this sounds amazing.
You have your safe word in case you need it, I’d recommend a backup like 3 taps on his thigh because you can’t speak when being facefucked.
It should be safe to use your safe word. Maybe try practising your safe word even when you aren’t near your limits just so it feels okay to say. Sex isn’t a challenge of how much pain can you ensure before giving up. I mean if that’s what you want to do okay but it doesn’t sound like you are happy about it.
Definitely talk to your partner about how you feel. If they don’t care then this whole situation is really not okay and they are really just abusing you and you are too scared to say no. Which is not ok
Pain is good if you like it and the context is right. It’s a fine line though. Only you can know what your limit is, but no need to be ashamed if you get pleasure out of it, no matter what the reason (submission, enjoying intense sensations, etc).
Girl sex is how I express my love. He must be mad at u all the time or is a sick fuck
I’d say practice using your safe word, in situations you would normally ofc. But if you’re unsure whether or not you’re enjoying the sex you’re having I think that might be a good place to start using the safe word. Otherwise you’re accepting that which you don’t really like, which I don’t think is a good habit in sex.
Also, if it’s an enjoyable pain after you’ve had the first orgasm, then I suppose that’s fine. But ofc, discuss all of this with your boyfriend.
**Trigger warning:** self-harm
I used to engage in CNC sex like this with someone but we were reckless and stupid with it. We had a safeword and he’d respect it, but I’d purposefully only ask him to play when we were both drunk so the pain threshold would be higher and without his knowledge I’d let him go far beyond what I was capable of handling and let him do it anyway. It gave me such an amazing rush in the moment, but he didn’t realise he was supposed to give me aftercare and I’d feel horrible and ashamed later when I saw the aftermath damage on my body. To me, it was self-harm. He was the knife I used to cut myself. As soon as I realised what I was doing, I talked to him and explained everything, he apologised and we stopped sleeping with each other.
That said, my situation was very unhealthy and probably isn’t what you’re going through. I now engage in CNC sex with a new partner who’s an experienced Dom in the bedroom and it’s done within the proper rules of BDSM and we’re being responsible, no alcohol, he never goes so hard that he takes me over my limit and he always gives me lots of aftercare to help regulate my brain and “take me back to reality” so to speak. It feels wonderful and intimate and I’m always filled up with loving, happy feelings afterwards. Is your situation more like that? I totally get the feelings of confusion and guilt because it’s such a culturally taboo way to enjoy sex, but if you “edging” your pain threshold is something you find exciting and if you feel good afterwards then I don’t think it’s a concern. Pleasure and pain sit very close in our brain’s neurotransmitters and it’s not unusual for people to enjoy pain in a sexual way. That said, you should really encourage your partner to educate himself on pain infliction and how to be a good Dom, so that he isn’t recklessly causing you permanent damage and not realising it… There’s a lot to learn when you start veering into that territory, for both parties involved.
IMHO it’s most important to examine how do you feel about it afterwards? Does your partner always give you aftercare? Because in the kind of sex you’re having, aftercare is absolutely essential and should never be skipped even if you don’t see the point in it. If you don’t take your headspace from “I’m being sexually assaulted” to “that was an awesome and wild way to have sex with my loving partner” you’re damaging yourself! In CNC sex your monkey brain can’t differentiate between “this is consensual fun” and “I’m being attacked” even if your human brain does, so it’s important to follow up with aftercare. It can be hugging, kissing, cuddles, talking, laughing, watching TV and eating snacks, whatever gets you in a good and safe mood.
**TL;DR** Nothing wrong with enjoying pain, many people do and some even go to extremes with it, all within consensual boundaries. But it’s also normal that you are feeling confused about it and questioning it. I’d encourage you to read more about BDSM, CNC and Dom/sub dynamics so that you can ensure both of you are engaging in this kind of sex safely so that you do not cause your body or your mind permanent or long lasting damage.
This is only bad if you feel like you can’t say your safe word. If you’re into pain and like it, go for it.
I’m naturally very submissive so I understand not wanting to use your safe word, hell I’m dragging my feet on even coming up with one!
But you just need to make sure the reason you aren’t saying it is bc you don’t want to and not bc you’re afraid he doesn’t want you to. And the aftercare game needs to be strong.
This sounds like a good kinky relationship. Make sure you don’t get hurt and get plenty of aftercare ❤️
I would suggest a sex therapist. Right now this doesn’t seem like a major problem cause you’re still getting air and the like, but you’re enjoying this, and while being a masochist is fine, you need limits and you seem to already be pushing past them willfully regardless of what your body is telling you so I’d suggest a sex therapist simply to help make sure you don’t take it too far and have actual damage done to yourself while chasing a pain high.