I’ll get straight to the point. My cousin Jake is having a wedding with my other cousin’s (Sam) ex girlfriend. The story of how they got together is pretty messed up.
We all came to visit Sam for a family reunion which at this point the ex and Sam were still together but things were rocky. At this reunion Jake got to know the ex better and started to talk and hang out behind Sam’s back.
Fast forward 8 months and Sam and the ex broke up shortly after the reunion (I think Jake had some influence on this) and now Jake and ex gf are now getting married.
I was invited to said wedding and asked to be a groomsmen but I am conflicted as to whether to attend or not. Family is still family but to backstab and steal another’s gf is just wrong. My relationship with Jake and Sam are on the same level but they now hate each other (understandly) and I am in the middle. Any advice?
32 comments
You should refuse, family may be family, but it does not make him any less terrible person for what he did.
I’d refuse to go. If I went to keep the peace, it’d be in a more diminished role, as a regular guest and not a groomsman. People love to spout family this, and that, but you don’t date a loved ones ex, let alone convince her to leave in the first place.
Do not go to that wedding, and ask yourself- you think you’re close to Jake? Didn’t Sam think the same thing?
I’d cut him off for good.
Does Jake have any explanation for what he did?
How has he explained this or rationalised it to others he knows and the rest of his family?
Unless there are some unique mitigating circumstances stances.. Like Sam was a terrible guy. Or Sam and the ex were only new casual fuckbuddies before Jake and his true love blew in. (Still .. kinda off)
I can’t quite see how Jake thinks this is cool? Or at least something other people who love Sam, will get over?
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Jake has put put you in an unfair position.
And he must surely know this.
If Jake is a normally decent person, he will be completely understanding that no-one in the family want to or will “okay” his vibe and love and the cost of Sam.
Jake must know what he is asking, how it’s unfair, and if he isn’t a complete dud-human, he definitely won’t hold it against you if you decline for Sam’s sake & normal family civility.
The same won’t be for Sam, who very reasonably would take it as a stab to the front for you to “okay” this, but the family repping as a guest & best man.
The way I see it – You aren’t really in a lose lose situation.
You lose closeness to Sam if you rep for Jake. He might not express it, but you won’t be seen as an emotionally safe person by him.
But you won’t lose closeness to Jake if you decline, as he must know the huge huge impossible thing he is asking, and must know he can’t hold it against you if you can’t cosign this one thing. If he’s not a narcissist, He will still want you in his life groomsman /guest or not.
I wouldn’t accept being a groomsman. I wouldn’t be up there with them supporting their betrayal. Not cool. I’m not sure about attending, is Sam going?
Yeah they are garbage I wouldn’t go
Please don’t. You’re condoning their cheating if you do. How shitty for your betrayed cousin.
Coulda been your GF he stole away. Keep that in mind. Do you want to hang around a person like that?
You seem to want to only go to show respect and loyalty to your family but where was Jake’s?
They’re adults who made the choices and decisions that led them here. And while you’re not punishing them, it’s fair to have your own opinion on this. You don’t need to support them, especially at a cost to those they hurt.
I wouldn’t go. I’d maybe send a card saying you feel conflicted and feel you can’t contribute to what happened by being there, but that you wish them well (if you still want a civil relationship).
Alternatively, if you did want to go you could speak to your other cousin to find out how they feel about it, like have they moved on? Would they feel betrayed if you did etc
I guess I don’t see the issue, several of my friends have dated each other and I don’t think you can “steal” a person who’s already unhappy in their relationship.
What in the Wiggins, Mississippi is going on here?!?
“Jake, I would come, but I’m dating someone now and wouldn’t want to tempt you and ruin your new marriage by bringing another family member’s (my) girlfriend around you”
INFO: how does Sam feel about the wedding? Is he in it? Is he attending? Also, what evidence do you have that Jake had influence on them breaking up?
I’m only asking this because if the party who has reason to be mad/offended/hurt by this (i.e. Sam) is feeling none of those things and is “over” the situation, I don’t think you refusing to be in the wedding or go to the wedding is the right call.
Unless you know for certain that the ex cheated with Jake before dumping Sam, I wouldn’t bother taking a stand. According to you, they were on the rocks before she ever met Jake.
Don’t make a big deal out of it just make your excuses and don’t go.
>things were rocky
This is why they broke up. The idea that your cousin *could* “steal” a relationship is not accurate to women, humans, or what happened. She is a whole person and made her own decisions. He met someone and they got to know each other. Sounds like they got to know each other as friends, and then got together after she left her bad relationship with your other cousin. If this relationship is healthy, why would you begrudge them that?
Take your “jilted” cousin out and help him meet some new people. He shouldn’t be pining over a toxic relationship.
I was conflicted on this issue overall and decided to get each Jake’s and Sam’s side of the story.
Jake says that during the reunion said ex and Sam were not together. After the reunion they got to know each other more and Jake asked the ex let’s call her Judy if she was still with Sam. Judy said no and they got to know each other. Fast forward a couple months and Judy is still stuck on Sam. Judy and Jake takes a break as Jake did not want someone who was stuck on their ex.
A few more months passed and Judy reached out to Jake and said that they have fully gotten over(her and Sam) and that she would like a fresh start. Jake agrees and now we are here in the present with their wedding soon.
Now for Sam’s side. Sam states that Judy lied and that they were actually still together in the beginning months Judy and Jake were talking. Not until when Judy came back to Jake stating she was “over” Sam.
Overall my family is conflicted. My mom is going but my dad is not. For the most part, most of my family feels for Sam but I am unsure where they stand in terms of actually attending the wedding.
Don’t go to the wedding.
Don’t attend and honestly the best way to go about it is to just tell your cousin you’re busy you have a work meeting scheduled and cannot miss it. That way you don’t look bad to either cousin and you don’t have to support the one who did things you don’t agree with.
Jeez, is this subreddit entirely populated by high schoolers? What a bunch of immature advice!
People cannot be “stolen.” Sam should be happy he helped his cousin find happiness where he could not. She didn’t “belong to” Sam and left of her own free will. You taking a stand on this is silly.
Just to be clear, Jake and the ex GF both stabbed Sam in the back – the GF had agency in these actions.
Are any lines being drawn amongst the family? The main question, though, is *do you want to go*? If not, don’t go and just make up an excuse. Maybe you and Sam could go hang out that day or something.
I wouldn’t be going
Have you actually talked to Sam about it? He may say something like “Obviously I am not going but I’m not going to be mad if you go.” You gotta use your words.
I swear I just read another post where Jake stole his brother’s girlfriend but in that one he got her pregnant with triplets and Jake’s mom wanted his brother to be more supportive and invite him to his wedding.
Man, Jake is a dog…
It doesn’t even sound like Sam would still be with her even if she wasn’t with Jake anyway. You said yourself their relationship was toxic and the new one isn’t. Why wish unhappiness on anyone because a different couple didn’t work out? She doesn’t belong to anyone and people date the siblings or cousins of their exs all the time who cares
INFO:
Sam and her were Rocky before Jake came into the photo.
Is Sam still sad?
Are Jake and her happy?
Wait, Jake and her have only been dating 8 months before getting married? The wording wasn’t super clear.
What makes you team Sam vs team Jake? Did you talk to Jake?
Okay well women aren’t handbags, they can’t really be “stolen”.
She made some choices in this situation too.
That being said…
seems like a no win scenario for you, either you go and Sam is angry or you don’t go and Jake is angry…
Personally if it were me, Sam and I would be ditching the lot of them, hitting the bar and getting a few drinks or doing something he enjoys together that day.
I don’t like soap operas and I sure as hell don’t want to be cast in a real life one.
So. A definitively rocky relationship ends and somewhere in the vicinity a new relationship begins. Odds are good that there was some betrayal going on.
The question is, which cousin do you want to maintain a relationship with?
There’s your answer.
If you don’t feel right. Don’t go
It is unfair for Sam to make this wedding about himself- it’s not how mature, healthy adults behave. It’s fine if Sam, does not want to attend the wedding, but it’s wrong for him to try to ruin Jake’s wedding because of his own hurt feelings.
Sam is angry and hurt right now, but he will get over it and meet someone new, who is even better for him. So it will be very sad that you will have missed out on Jake’s happiest day because of Sam’s brief unhappiness.
I believe you are looking at this wedding in the wrong context; but first, a little story….
My cousin went out with a nice woman for awhile, but fell in love with her younger sister. The two turned out to be a real love match, meant for each other.
The older sister was happy for her sister to find true love, and was maid of honor at their wedding. They were happily married over 50 years, and everybody was always close.
It’s not uncommon for people to be attracted to someone’s friend or a close relative, because people choose friends, and are close with certain relatives, with whom they have many similarities and interests (I don’t think it’s great, but it happens).
A couple may get together, but they aren’t as good a match as they hoped- and the true good match might be someone else within the circle. It might be bad timing, and it might be awkward for a while, but eventually everybody will move on.
Going to Jake’s wedding is NOT an affront to Sam, it’s a celebration of your cousin Jake, and the woman with whom he has decided to spend his life with.
Take Sam out of the picture-
Do YOU believe that Jake and his Fiancé are a great couple together? If so, Then stand up and support them as they make this tremendous commitment to each other. (If you don’t think they are a good couple together, then don’t go.)
Anyway, that’s my experience, and perhaps I might be down voted, but I tried to give good counsel.
Jake stole her? Was she Sam’s property? Is there a part where Jake broke in and threw her in a bag?
Sam needs to realize they’re over. Sam has no say in her life. Sam needs to realize he is not her future, it will be some other guy. It doesn’t matter if it’s a stranger or a cousin, Sam needs to get over it. You should accept Jake’s marriage. She is your cousin’s wife.. not some cousin’s ex-gf.