I don’t know what my problem is but I like sex way too much. My libido is super high. Like I love sex. LOVE it. I love it so much that I’d beg my husband to please have sex with me literally hours after having multiple rounds with him. It was so bad that he suggested that we open our marriage so that I can be pleased sexually elsewhere without making him feel like he’s not doing enough or not a good sexual partner (he is absolutely amazing).
I respect the terms of our agreement as far as making sure everyone is tested, that I won’t get pregnant, etc. But the issue is that the more I meet people, the more I want to have sex. I used to meet one person a day and have sex with my husband once or twice that day. Now I get done meeting with someone and instead of thinking about how good it was or just go home, I just think about how I could meet up with another person and have more.
I end up not being home in time to spend time with my husband or forgetting family events which is starting to annoy my husband. I was out all day yesterday with some guys who know each other and talked me into a group thing. It took longer than I expected and when I got home, my husband was pissed and told me next time I disappear all day, I don’t need to come back home and that he will ask for a divorce. Am I just addicted to sex? What’s wrong with me? I don’t want to lose everything because of sex but I can’t stop myself. How do I fix this before it destroys my marriage?
43 comments
Sounds a little like an addiction.
I suppose my first question is, have you tried masturbation.
And then there is the qhole issue of your husband being mad and talking about divorce, when in fact he was the one suggesting an open relationship, that just aint okay.
sounds like you should try some therapy, as this is getting out of control and is affecting your life.
Sounds like you have a real sex addiction.
> I end up not being home in time to spend time with my husband or forgetting family events which is starting to annoy my husband.
This is a pretty big red flag. The problem isn’t that you’re sleeping around but that you’re doing it with no regards to the commitments of your relationship with your husband.
> I end up not being home in time to spend time with my husband or forgetting family events which is starting to annoy my husband. I was out all day yesterday with some guys who know each other and talked me into a group thing. It took longer than I expected and when I got home, my husband was pissed and told me next time I disappear all day, I don’t need to come back home and that he will ask for a divorce.
This is another red flag and a very dangerous one. I’m gonna go and make the assumption that you have ditched a commitment with your husband multiple times and this is was the last straw for him?
On another point, it seems like you sex addiction has led you to a pretty dangerous situation and will probably continue if you don’t manage it. A group sex with multiple men you don’t know and wasn’t planned out is pretty dangerous (at least from your post it sounds like they talked you into it on the spot). Do you know if they were tested previously?
Aside from the extreme desire for sexual contact, do you notice any other obsessive behaviors or complete lack of ability to control other impulses?
Do you remember a time when you had a “normal” sex drive? Can you point to a particular time when you noticed a marked increase in desire? Was it related to any physical trauma?
There’s obviously a need for therapy to emotionally process your situation, but I think you need to get an appointment with a neurologist. You recognize your behavior is detrimental to your life and relationship. You are asking what is “wrong” with you. I would definitely want to rule out a glandular tumor or a cerebral anomaly to make sure you aren’t fighting an uphill battle.
Any unusual issues with balance or concentration or memory recall? Headaches? Strange visual/aural hallucinations even if fleeting?
Maybe it’s addiction and you’re just chasing dopamine, but if I were your husband, I would want to make sure you are physically healthy and neurologically sound before throwing up an ultimatum. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself of I wrote you off as a sex addict and found out later you had some sort of structural issue with your brain that was fucking with your inhibitions and ability to control your impulses.
Seems like you are addicted to sex or the hormone storm released during sex. Seeking advice from a professional should be your best course of action.
You need to stop putting yourself in danger too.
Random hookups can drag you down a sketchy road.
Sounds hormonal. Have you gotten blood work done recently, or seen a doctor?
Unchecked hormone levels can be a huge health risk, if not balanced.
I have a high libedo too and TBH, mine is driven mostly by bipolar disorder, with also slightly elevated hormones.
This honestly sounds like hypermania or dopamine chasing, which is very dangerous, as you can start with an addiction to one dopamine source (sex), but then trickle over into other dopamine sources (drugs, alcohol, etc).
It sounds like you need to seek cognitive behavior therapy specifically, not “talk” therapy per say, though it may benefit you too. But if it’s like my diagnosis, the doctor will ask you to get a host of medical tests done to rule out other disorders.
Also. Let me finish this by saying the sex drive probably will never go away completely. I am MUCH better, but I still crave sex pretty consistently. I crave it once a day though, with actually getting sex a few times a week.
If you want your cake and be able to eat it too, may I suggest more discretion and better time management? If your husband has been patient enough to allow you to have a no questions asked open relationship, could you have possibly taken advantage of his patience and acceptance? If it’s gotten to the point where you are forgoing time spent with your husband and missing important events, it’s definitely time for you to step back and regroup. He honestly sounds like he’s getting fed up with the one sidedness of it all, so you need to address this pronto.
You really are not sure you’re addicted?
Are you sure that it’s sex you’re after? Maybe the sex is just a substitution for something else that’s missing.
You need professional help above reddits pay grade. You have an addiction to sex, and the treatment is unfortunately not sex.
Find a therapist. Tell your husband you’re serious about salvaging the relationship. That you’re actively seeking treatment. And now the most important part, follow through.
A high libido and possibly open mindedness is one thing. Obviously yay sex! However…I believe you have something else. I’m thinking that therapy will only go so far and that you may actually need a psychiatrist and medication. This sounds like a form of mania that may be aligned with bipolar symptoms.
This is not a science, you need profesional help even if you don’t like it.
I’m someone with a similar background, and as a man in my 30s I can honestly say: there’s nothing wrong with you. You are just wired to fly while everyone around you can barely walk. Don’t devalue yourself just because others can’t keep up with what comes perfectly natural to you. Love yourself!
Also: try and negotiate for an open marriage, if that’s your thing. So far it’s the only thing that has worked for me.
Maybe try a sex toy to pleasure yourself?
Does it affect your life in a negative way? If so then it’s most likely an addiction at this point and it sounds like it’s spiraling. Therapy or extreme self control starting now are your only options if you want to continue with a functioning relationship/ life in general. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to take care of it as it’s not only affecting you but also those around you.
I do too, it’s not normal if it gets in the way of family events etc. therapy would be great❤️
There is obviously a deeper issue,maybe you feel sex is how you feel excepted,there are deeper issues here.
There is NO WAY you ensured all men in this “spontaneous group” were tested STD safe. Stop kidding yourself. I left a group that had a woman like you because it was too unsafe. Therapy or even hypnosis is in order. I can’t imagine how your husband is getting by without damage. As a man who has been in group scenes with women, I can tell you that none of them care about you. They are chatting in the bathroom about how they are going to “ruin this girls pussy”. Not kind, I know. Like I said I had to leave that scene.
Sounds like you have a problem. If it’s effecting your life negatively in a variety of ways you got a problem. You need to get some help for an obvious sex addiction. You need to see a therapist that specializes in this. I’m glad you’re being safe. I’m glad your husband has been so understanding of your needs. But, now your starting to see the cracks of getting out of control. It doesn’t sound like you want a divorce. Doesn’t sound like you want to lose time with your family. You got to get this under control before it all implodes.
Damn, thats wild.
I feel like this too honestly , hypersexual that is
Maybe start reading in r/SexAddiction, there are plenty of people like you. I’ve learned _so_ _much_ on there.
If this is real, you have a sexual addiction and you need to seek professional help.
I knew a girl like this. She had a past of sexual assault as a minor. Were you molested as a child? If so this is a deep-seated coping mechanism that needs to be explored with a psychologist. I only mention it because if it is, I hope my mentioning this helps you on the path to a better future.
BEFORE anybody here concludes it IS an addiction…
I’d VERY much like to ask, if it COULD just possibly be, that you desire to be single.
In a sense to really run wild and NOT be bound to responsibilities and ties of a monogamous relationship.
Because an addiction has SEVERE effects on your life.
It means you’re dropping plans, not holding in deadlines, it distracts you more than you’d like.
BUT if you’re simply currently in a “I wanna live it out phase”… I’d very very much just like you to really dig into yourself what the truth is.
And that can take some days
Nothing wrong with liking sex until it becomes an obsession and addiction which it sounds like your at that point. really therapy would be your best option just like most addictions
The definition of addiction is a behavior you feel you don’t have control over and is causing negative consequences in your life (not an addiction specialist or anything like that just how I’ve heard it explained).
Check out a group called sex and love addicts. Find a meeting in your area and go check it out.
Btw that group thing could have gone VERY badly — as in “sold into sex slavery” badly. You should only do that with people that you trust very well.
https://slaafws.org/newcomers/
Do you know the term nymphomaniac?
That describes you pretty well.
The problem is the more you do it, the more you crave it. Your brainchemistry will get off balance and it’s just an addiction.
You probably need therapy to get off that.
You have to “retrain” your brain to less orgasms, less sexual contact, less endorphine/dopamine etc.
You need to learn to handle lust and sexual drive without having orgasms.
And you need to stop dating other men. Close your relationship again, else it will destroy your marriage if it didnt already.
Family and your marriage should stand above sexual pleasure and casual hookups. If it doesnt you need help!
Therapy ,youve got serious problems going on.
Youre thinking about you and not both of you.
23f of course your labido will be high youre young.
Maybe you should seperate become single and swing,this might be the easiest fix if all but dont stuff with his life
You want sex all the time, and your partner made a compromise. It hasnt been a problem until your irresponsible behaviour got in you in trouble. If nothing else changes, then simply being more responsible with your time management and, thereby, showing respect for your partner would negate any unwelcome outcomes.
Does it have to be more complicated than this?
If anything takes over a life like that it’s called an addiction. Talk to someone.
I hope he divorces.
If assault was a factor then it’s not about the sex. It’s about you controlling said sexual encounters. I’ve lived it. It’s about taking the power back. Saying yes instead of begging no.
Once you realize this and believe it, the sooner it may help.
In my opinion
Dopamine, adrenaline and endorphins can be addictive.
I suspect that you are addicted. Therapy is essential.
Couples counseling also to try to save your marriage.
Good luck
I didn’t read a bunch of other people’s responses, just offering my own 2 cents. I’m 31 and male, always loved sex, now I’m having a lot more. Like my libido has gone through the rough in the last 2 years. Sometimes I spend 12+ hours fucking over and over again, sometimes with multiple partners in the same day, but I’m capable of going to work and not thinking about sex, or engaging in other hobbies without sex completely dominating my life.
Obviously it is worth exploring if you might have sex addition, but it is also possible that there aren’t enough other hobbies and interests in your life that are giving you the dopamine you need and you feel like you can get it only from sex instead of being more balanced and getting it from other things as well.
I’ve been through a 2 year heroin addiction before too and a huge part of getting over that was finding other healthier places to get the dopamine, ie, hobbies, exercise, etc.
Hope this helps
High sex drive isn’t at all unusual.
I do wonder, though, if sex is more important to you than the other things in your life. When something is interrupting your ability to live a normal life and keep up with your obligations, it’s a problem. It might be time to talk to a therapist about this in earnest.
Therapist here: seek out someone trained in sex therapy or at least with a background in it so you know that they will be competent in the subject. Trauma and high sex drive are often linked but you’ll need to explore if and how in therapy. I would also think about when was the last time you had a full physical exam to rule out any physiological influences. Sex can become compulsive, like many other things but can also serve as a substitute for things you might be lacking/needing in your life. I would also suggest including your husband in the therapy. This is very much a couples issue as well as a personal one. Best of luck!
Hearing you were assaulted makes sense now. Hypersexuality can be a result of a traumatic sexual assault or something similar. Like other have said, the best is to seek therapy. But find the right therapist, not all are for everybody.
It appears to me that you need a job. You cant work a 40hr week and have sexual desires as extreme as this.
How do you find the time?? Channel some of that energy into something else – for example, I (F32) adore sex but I am super committed to training (crossfit) and enjoy dedicating time to it. My partner and I have an open relationship but I balance time with others, time with myself, time at the gym along with time for my relationship. It’s important that I fill all the buckets as that’s what serves me best.
Yes this sounds like an addiction and it is affecting your marriage negatively to the point husband feels ready to give a divorce. You need help if you care for your marriage
I like it three times a day