First some background it’s not just a person I know from work, we’re both in a very small company and we’re both the only people at the office 95% of the time because the other people work from home. I also sometimes drive her home or pick her up and sometimes she does the same for me. So we’ve been spending more than eight hours together just the two of us and this has been going on for four months. I don’t have romantic feelings for her, she also has a long-term boyfriend.
I worked from home too but because I’ve been training her we agreed to come to the office and I’ve done everything to make her feel comfortable and I’ve dedicated way too much time on her and I needed to work free overtime to make up on my own tasks. I could have just refused to come to the office, but after wasting all that time ( and money on lunch / transit live far away from work ) just to help someone out I feel like an idiot for not getting invited to her birthday party. I was actually helping her shop for party supplies after work, she told me she’s inviting 20 people over for her birthday party. Am I out of line or an asshole to think that I should have been invited ? This may be childish but honestly this is bugging me I don’t know what to do. I’m so pissed over this I don’t even care if I argue with her / employeer and just switch jobs. Just want to know why I wasn’t invited. I even bought her a gift supposed to give it to her tomorrow. Will probably just give it to her and work from home from monday.
9 comments
My initial guess?
She’s inviting 20 of her personal friends with no attachment to work.
Office friendships are not always full fledged friendships.
Some coworkers I like in the office are still not my full fledged friends outside of it.
And that’s ok.
I spent most of quarantine still going into the office to keep routine and the two people there were my social life for months. We had a good time, but we never took our friendship out of the workplace and hung out.
Ask. But be respectful.
Say something like
“Hey, I heard you have a big birthday party coming up, and I’m just curious.. is there a reason you didn’t invite me? It’s not a big deal really, but I thought we have become pretty good friends and would have love to come. Regardless, happy birthday and I hope your day goes really well.”
How they choose to respond is up to them, but if you don’t place blame or take offense there is no reason a question like this should lead to an argument. Understand they have the right to invite anyone they want, maybe it’s close family or they already had plans.
She’s taken, inviting a guy from her work to her birthday party with all of her friends and her significant other there would be really weird and completely uncalled for. You’re just really good work buddies. Until you’re talking about nonwork things on the phone after hours calling each other for no reason at all, your not real friends, you’re just work friends. Do you interact on social media on the regular? Do you guys snap or do anything that’s not work related on the reg? If the answer is no then you have your answer as to why you weren’t invited.
honestly? Don’t force it man. Things just happen naturally, this may just be a work thing.
If she’s aware of how much you are going out of your way to help her, she probably thinks you’re into her.
Odds are she’s either told her boyfriend about you or she doesn’t want to explain to him inviting a guy that nobody else knows.
It would be really childish to switch jobs because a girl didn’t invite you to her birthday party. A better reaction would be to return her present and not invite her to yours lol
Honestly, she may just want to keep work and personal life separate. But your feelings are totally valid and I’d be upset too. Was there any kind of personal relationship developed or were your interactions always work centered/work peripheral?
I would consider telling her how you feel but not expecting anything from her, just letting her know you thought you guys were cool. BUT the best thing to do may be just to pull back and invest way less time into her. Don’t over extend yourself
This honestly seems like a lesson *in* overextending yourself. Never do this and expect to receive anything back. Maybe subconsciously you do it with a motive? I’d think ab at this, maybe it’s a pattern in your life. Doing things from a place of feeling needed or useful. Wanting to feel valued. Just brainstorming ideas.
At the end of the day, you’re valid and I’d be hurt too. Especially helping her shop. I’d either let her know how you felt, or disengage and reframe your relationship with her as work only and not overextend yourself for her. Having to work overtime to catch up on your own work seems like overextension – and a you thing. When you do things from this place, you’re sure to be disappointed.
I’ve been in situations like this, and they tend to be very hurtful. However, the best thing to do is not take it personally, and don’t feel like a sucker for helping her. You did what was right from a work/professional basis.
Some people categorize their relationships into clearly-defined groups, and will only invite certain people to certain events or socialize with them in certain settings. She may see you as a really cool, close, *work* associate.
Also, it’s never really a good idea to invite yourself somewhere, try to finagle an invitation to where you weren’t invited, or ask about an event that you weren’t invited to.
I would take it as a clarification of your role in her life. Don’t take it personal, don’t stop being genuine and helpful from a work standpoint.
Also, look up the term “covert contracts”. Be careful that you aren’t unknowingly forming covert contracts with people (“I did X, so because of that, she should have done Y”).
Her boyfriend is threatened by you and doesn’t want you to attend
Yeah, sometimes you do be tight with your coworkers, but often times than not, these relationships don’t always translate to friendship outside of the workplace. It happens from time to time, sure. But the more professional the work setting is, the less likely it would happen.
But it is %100 okay to be upset about it because it becomes apparent that you’re just cool… at work. That’s fine. I’ve been in situations like that before and once it becomes apparent that that is the case, it’s just strictly business from there. I’ve had a few coworkers kind of get upset at me for doing. I’m just keeping that same energy.