I’ve been noticing a trend where my boyfriend makes negative/insulting comments about my appearance. My gut is telling me that he’s just a bit clueless and doesn’t really recognize how the things he says can be hurtful. That being said, it’s really starting to get to me. I have struggled with my self-esteem in the past and thought I was in a really good place, but these comments are bringing me down. I just don’t know what to do and how to point it out to him.
Here’s just a few examples of the kinds of things he’s said …
Example 1: I have a photo of me and some friends from years ago when I used to have a pixie cut. I pointed it out to him and said that I thought I looked really cute in the photo (I was only 18 in the photo for context). He responded by saying i looked “awful”. I was a bit taken aback in the moment because I didn’t know why he would say something so hurtful instead of just shrugging it off if he disagreed. I asked if he really meant that or if it was a joke and he repeated that I looked awful in the photo.
Example 2: We were hanging out with my friend who asked my opinion on glasses she was considering. We showed the photos to my boyfriend to get his thoughts too. The one we both liked are basically the same as the ones I wear. He said they looked “terrible”. I called him out for being so insulting towards my friend (she did not take it well either). He reiterated that he thought they looked terrible and he hates that style of glasses. The style I wear every day. Again, he could have just opted to not say anything instead of saying something hurtful.
Example 3: We were showing old photos of each other from high school. He looked very dorky/nerdy as a teenager (not in a bad way) but I didn’t say anything to that effect. I just kept saying how he looked like a cutey. When talking about my photos he said I looked very different. That my face was chubby and my nose looked huge. He didn’t make any nice comments at all.
These instances all stand out to me because he rarely complements my appearance. I can maybe count on one hand the number of times he’s called me pretty/beautiful. It seems like it’s easy for him to be critical about my appearance but so hard to just be nice and complement me here and there.
For context about our relationship: we’ve been together almost a year and this is both our first relationship; we are insanely compatible in all aspects of our life (personality, hobbies/interests, long-term plans, sexually, etc); and we’ve discussed that we think we’re it for each other and are making plans for the future (e.g. next step is to move in together).
TL;DR – Boyfriend makes negative/hurtful comments about my appearance. I think he’s clueless about how these comments come off and make me feel. It’s impacting my self-esteem. How do I talk to him about it?
10 comments
“Why would you say that?” is a pretty good one.
Or you could just accept that he’s a shitass and move on.
>he’s just a bit clueless
Which is why he apologized the first time you called him out and never did it again?
Usually someone making these kind of remarks is behaving similarly in other places and circumstances. It’s the character and personality. You probably know what kind of person he is in other places. But if he does it only with you than you have a problem.
I would start noticing if this criticism is spreading in other spheres as well or no? Put brakes on moving in etc.
I’m not sure your gut is telling you he’s ‘clueless’ so much as you’re hoping he is, because it’s better than some alternatives – he’s an ass, and/or he’s negging you. Or, maybe he just values blunt, tactless honesty above all else, in which case ask him which he values more: honesty or your relationship.
Why are you dating an asshole?
He’s not evaluating his responses on your feelings. He’s evaluating his responses on what he believes to be true.
As for you, when you hear something you deem to be hurtful, the more you learn to recognize the logic behind the statement rather than “how it makes you feel” the more you will be able to interact with him or just men in general.
For example, if you asked him “why does it look awful” he’ll likely start to pointing to each and every flaw. This is gold for you, because it shows you that he too is accepting all kinds of imperfections that you don’t see in yourself (just as you expose imperfections he doesn’t see in himself).
>These instances all stand out to me because he rarely complements my appearance. I can maybe count on one hand the number of times he’s called me pretty/beautiful. It seems like it’s easy for him to be critical about my appearance but so hard to just be nice and complement me here and there.
Does he complement you in other areas? Some people it’s not all about the appearance. And he wasn’t being critical un prompted these were all instances where you asked for feedback.
EX 1. Hard to really say since you didn’t really engage. Maybe he doesn’t like pixie cuts, or maybe he thought it looked awkward on you. You don’t have to agree.
Ex 2. You asked him a question about a style of frames he gave you his opinion. He didn’t say it looks bad on you, he just didn’t like that style of frame. You internalized it. I think cat frames look ridiculous. They work on some people still think they are ridiculous. I love tiny frames, I have a big head. They don’t look right. I still love them. and I know they look a bit ridiculous on my face.
Ex 3. I mean here you could have said what you were thinking instead of just defacto saying cutey. Actually engaged in conversation.
Also two of the three are before you met. It seems, like maybe your looking for validation that he would have liked you then.
This is a 27 year old man, not a teenage boy. He knows what he is saying is hurtful. He just doesn’t care. You deserve better.
Someone putting you down is not a good partner and this is a receipt for a unhealthy relationship. You really need to stop giving him so much credit and brushing his behavior off as being dumb, he may be an idiot but he knows what he is doing.
He’s an ass and going out of his way to be one. He enjoys saying stuff like this. Someone who actually cares about you would never say this. He gets a kick out of it.
Drop this guy like he’s made of lava. He will only get worse and expect you to deal with it and possibly try to “build up” to his (bullshit) expectations, and even those will never be enough. He’s a complete asshole. You can do better even if you never date another guy again. Ditch him.