I stood up to make coffee, my fiancé said “let me put in vanilla”, i said no, she said “let me put caramel”, i said no I don’t want anything, let me put in sugar, I said “no i don’t want anything.” She then says “You just had a toblerone, that’s sugar, why can’t you have sugar” and I said “I don’t want anything in my coffee”. She then tried to take over making it and grabbed the milk from my hands, then I said “I want to make my own coffee” and then i had to talk her into giving it back and she then came from behind to hold my arm to guide the milk in the cup. I was pretty irritated at this point and then I said “let me make my own coffee”. Then she went to sit at the table and I said I’m going to sit on the couch. She said”you don’t have to ask me for permission in a laughing way” (i wasn’t, I was being polite saying I’m not going to sit at the table with her) then I told her, in a tone that sounds like an angry child, (where I was nearly at my breaking point) to back off and just let me be. She usually makes fun of my voice when it’s like this and calls it like a child’s voice. (This voice only comes out when I get pushed by her over a certain point). I quoted her before she said that (what she normally says about my voice) and said “why are you using that baby voice” and laughed like she does at me , she laughed at my prediction of what she said and then I said rather harshly “ like why do you do that, why can’t you just shut the fuck up” to her. Then she processed it and got all stern and said “you know I’ve said if you ever say that again we are going to have problems” i said Im sorry and explained she went over my boundaries of saying no and pushed me over the edge(as she has done before) then she switched it on me saying we have a problem now and i went over her boundaries. Which i did and I apologized for. I’ve told her in the past I wouldn’t say that again and mean it, but I get worked up and feel like I’m in fight or flight when I say it. She then explains to me how she hasn’t said anything about reality being a game/simulation or not real(she knows this bothers me) or how she hasn’t mocked me like she used to(she used to repeat and mock me a lot) after I asked her to never do that again. I said I know. She then said I continue to say that phrase even though she’s asked me to stop and I apologized again. She said she is going shopping. Then told the dog “you can stay here with HIM” and left. AITA?
TLDR:
I have boundaries that are continually crossed to the point where I get overstimulated and angry. I have communicated this a lot. I lash out and then feel blamed for a rational emotion. I try to communicate beforehand and explain how I feel but I keep getting pushed to a point where I say mean things to get her to stop talking to me. It’s almost peaceful afterward I say something. I know I’m in the wrong for what I said, but I feel manipulated a lot. I feel like a shell of who I once was before I met my partner. I have a hard time saying no to her as it is so I’m trying to be more assertive for myself.
37 comments
Do you really want to spend your life like this?
Like if this was your normal, would you be happy?
Jesus Christ, this person is awful. She treats you like crap and makes you horribly unhappy. Get out and cut her out of your life.
Or keep letting her manipulate you and be unhappy forever, if you prefer.
Sorry to be blunt but she sounds insufferable and I would have told her to stfu too. IMO you are not the one who should be apologising. If she didn’t keep trying to control you, you wouldn’t have snapped at her.
You guys have serious issues that need to be fixed before marriage otherwise oof its looking like it might be early divorce.
The way you described your relationship in your tldr is how people who are in abusive relationships describe theirs. Which yours does seem like it could be even if unintentional.
I want to tell her to STFU and I wasn’t even there….
Why in the f does she not think you’re fully capable of making your own damn coffee??? And she used to mock you?? I’m exhausted just reading this post lol
Instead of STFU tell her to GTFO
End this shit
This is called double standard. You have to respect her no matter what and your problems are meaningless. Its only hers that matter to her.
So why are you continuing to let her behave like this?
Why haven’t you don’t the logical thing and dumped her?
If she’s always treated you like shit, how come you got as far as getting engaged?
Do you like all this high school drama shit?
I don’t understand people sometimes. This is on you to fix.
She purposely pushes your buttons to make you snap and then MAKE SURE she gets to be angry at you and that you have no right.
Leave her she is gaslighting you into believing you’re abusive
dump her, when she cries, tell her to stfu, then move on. this was painful to experience
Dude, this is just plain abuse. She pushes your buttons until you snap and then plays the victim and turns it against you so YOU apologize. WTF.
Tell her to STFU en GTFO. This isn’t normal behavior nor is it a sign of a healthy relationship.
I was going to tell a story about the first time my husband told me to shut up, and how I should have left him right then and there, but then I actually read your post.. why in the name of anything that is good and holy should you have to put up with that much sh*t, to get a cup of coffee?? What else does she micromanage?? She sounds like the controlling one, not you, and you need to take a good long look at this relationship before you tie any knots!!!
All due respect, do you have co-dependency issues? I cannot think of any logical reason to stay in a relationship like this.
Aye buddy. This is not a healthy relationship. Your partner liked to push your boundaries until you explode and then makes fun of you. Does that sound healthy to you? Does that sound like something you want to be doing for the next 30 years? You’ve only been together 2 years, move on and find someone who actually respects you and cares about you. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG IN THIS SITUATION. Your partner is awful.
The problem with your relationship is you are trying to reason and communicate maturely with an unreasonable and immature person. Your gf is stomping all over your boundaries and she is completely aware of what she is doing. She likes pushing you it’s her jam. She’s not going to stop. Her pay off for her behavior is you becoming apologetic and trying to appease her when she knows that she is in the wrong. She is being manipulative. You will keep running is circles trying to fingers out what you can do right so that she will treat you better and not get upset with you.
I don’t know if you have suffered abuse in the past. But sometimes people who have experienced abuse in there younger years find ways to deescalate or manage their behavior to keep the volatile nor abusers around them from acting out with verbal, mental or emotional abuse.
Uhh why in the world you want to marry a woman like her that doesn’t respect your boundaries mocks you and treats you like a child? Maybe you should rethink this getting marry to her thing and just run… NTA.
Hi, former abuse victim here:
So you see the way she flipped that narrative on you, the minute *you* crossed *her* boundaries, even though she had already trampled several of yours?
That, my friend is *the hallmark move* of an emotional manipulator/narcissist.
*Your* boundaries aren’t that big a deal, but apparently *hers* are sacred, and if you cross it there will be consequences.
*Your* feelings are trivial and its okay to mock you for having them, because of a particular way you sound, but *her* feelings are inviolable and if she gets hurt, she can leave.
You see the pattern there?
She is being disrespectful, demeaning, manipulative and abusive, all before breakfast.
Almost impressive really.
She even rewards herself for a game well-played by going out shopping!
I had an ex exactly like this that I suffered under for two years, so please please *please* take this advice to heart, before things get worse for you. (And they will)
You don’t want to heal this relationship. You want to end this relationship.
As quickly and cleanly as possible, and it doesn’t matter if you lose a few possessions along the way, the sooner you get this horrible person out of your life, the sooner you will feel free to be yourself again, and the happier and better your life will be.
God your girlfriend is an insufferable mental manipulator. She knew exactly what she was doing, pissing you off, pushing you to the edge. She knew it wouldn’t take much more to get an outburst from you that she could turn into her defense.
Why do you want to marry this person? Do you want nearly every day to be like this? To constantly be on your toes because she’s making fun of you, annoying you, making you beg her to stop?
I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t have apologized for telling her to shut the fuck up either.
Shit-test to the max.
Some women have this messed up notion that the proof that a man loves you is by never getting angry at you… so they literally keep pushing your buttons endlessly as the validation test
She sounds very manipulative and a bit abusive. She doesn’t seem to have any respect for you at all.
This is a shitty relationship. Save yourself. And the dog.
She’s pushing you knowing that eventually she’ll get a reaction and can turn the entire fight into your fault when in reality she started it.
Why does she need to make your coffee? She doesn’t, but by pushing your boundaries after you say no she’s trying to break you down. The endgame is that you just give in. First it’s coffee, then it’s more important things. You’ll give in because she’s making a pattern of making you feel like it’s your fault when you don’t give into her. Case in point, you’re asking how to fix this situation in which she bullied you, refused to respect your boundaries, made fun of you and then played the victim in a fight that she created.
All she had to do was let you make your own coffee. Her inability to let you control even the simplest things in your life isn’t a good sign. Not to mention how she belittles your voice when your upset which is just another way to change the narrative of the argument. She’s literally calling you a child when your mad instead of respecting your emotions.
If anyone needs to heal anything and work on themselves it’s her, and you shouldn’t wait around to find out if she does or not. You deserve better than someone who manipulates, belittles and bullies you.
Bruh. Why do you want to even “heal” this shit?
She is a manipulative, controlling, bully.
You don’t deserve this shit.
“I feel like a shell of who I once was before my partner”
My guy.
This is not healthy or normal to feel. Why are you marrying her?
For this one, don’t apologize. You don’t need to apologize. My suggestion is usually to talk to your partner. But you said you’ve talked about it with her a lot.
So not really sure what advice you’re looking for
you need to dump her and get some therapy
If you don’t feel like yourself anymore you should get out. She clearly forces you (directly or indirectly) to give up your authenticity so you can keep the attachment. I assume you had a not so easy childhood? Please listen to your heart when it tells you to stop being with this person. This relationship is making you sick.
Wow! How do you put up with that? How many times do you need to say no before she gets the point? Thinking you’ll be better off without that nonsense in your life. She knows what your boundaries are but kept pushing and expected you to be ok with that but as soon as you cross hers it’s not ok.
Can’t stand a hypocrite, if she can’t respect your boundaries I don’t see any reason for you to respect hers. Keep the dog & tell her to kick rocks.
She sounds really irritating and childish. Is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Do you want your children to have to deal with this? Honestly, when someone shows them who they are, believe them. She is showing you that she is abusive, disrespectful and controlling. She’s not going to improve as she gets older. She’s not going to get better when you are married.
Hugs why are you with someone that enjoys making fun of you and attempting to be your mother? She apparently enjoys making you upset so your voice changes which is a form of bullying that she gets off on.
I mean, she triggers you on purpose for entertainment-that’s emotional abuse. She 100% needs to STFU-and you need to dump her like the garbage human she is behaving as.
She sounds like somebody that really does need to STFU.
Why do you want to marry someone that routinely belittles and mocks you?
Please don’t get married.
Please leave this train wreck.
Yup. You are dating a narcissist. It will destroy you. There is no cure, and they use therapy to gain new knowledge to torture you with. She will torture and screw up your kids too if you have a family with her, and you’ll keep feeling worse and worse and worse. The good news is that you can heal, you can be happy again, you can have a good life. But not with her. You may have trauma bonding, which works for us in natural disasters, against us in abuse situations. I suggest doing some more research into narcissism.
You fix it by breaking up with her. Jesus fuck. All of this over coffee dude???
You deserve to be happy and it’s not happening with this person