So I have been with this girl for a year now, 19F and 22M. I am very into her, I think she is incredibly naturally beautiful and I love her body. We have talked all about my fantasies in great detail and she can do a good job of fulfilling them. Basically she knows what I like and how to please me. We have talked about her fantasies to a lesser extent and it definitely does not work the other way around.
In the beginning she could never cum and we mostly chalked it up to nerves, me having a higher libido and her getting sensitive and stopping and starting, we always have these stupid excuses.
Through time she has cum occasionally (we even came together once) but still she usually does not. Sometimes we agree that it is ok, she had so much fun and feels very satisfied. She assures me she does not always need to cum. But most of the time it is clear that she starts to lose interest halfway through, at which point I will usually be very horny and into it, and feel a great need to cum. So…. instead of stopping like I probably should, I let things happen. Sometimes I will try to get her back into it to no avail but sometimes I will just let her keep going even though she is bored, because she feels bad for me and wants to get me to cum so she can stop. She admitted recently that sex can feel like a chore. The sooner she can get me to cum the sooner it can be over so we can do something else.
She thinks I’m hot and I can definitely turn her on and get her going and make her feel good in all the ways you can think of, I can see that. But still she gets bored all the time or gets me horny without really wanting to do anything, and I do not know what to do about it.
I can do some of the things she is into / things that get her going but usually she tells me she doesnt want those things, like I really enjoy making her feel good and giving her love and attention and hearing her moans, and I will tell her that and sometimes practically beg her to let me use the lush toys or touch her. I know I can do more here, like during sex I can do the things she likes, I can focus more on her instead of just myself. But at the same time she never ever knows what she wants. If I start talking about what I could do for her, or what I want to do to her, she starts thinking very heavily and inevitably loses all interest. Her low self esteem and insecurities tie into this I am sure.
This has all sort of caused us to get stuck in this unspoken idea that getting her to enjoy it and especially getting her to cum is a lost cause so we should just focus on me instead… then when i do focus on her and do things she enjoys, that obviously adds pressure on her and she gets insecure and starts overthinking and she still cannot cum. With all the right foreplay and all the attention on her she probably still cannot cum. Sometimes she goes away after sex and keeps masturbating, where she is then able to cum a lot easier.
At the end of the day while I often need to cum, that does not mean I enjoy it that much. Deep down with a clear head I only enjoy it as much as she does, and I always feel very guilty and regretful after getting her to make me cum. Feels like she is my personal porn star sometimes.
2 comments
I’m similar to your girlfriend! Imagine one day you can’t get it up. Like it just doesn’t happen. Chalk it up to nerves, whatever. Then the next time you go to get it it up, you’ve already got it in your head. You’re already thinking about it, you know your girl wants you to preform… and you can’t! Now you’ve got this precident set that you. can’t. cum. (ik you /can/ but imagine if you weren’t able to).
It gets in your head. Every time you go to have sex, in the back of your mind, you know you’re expected to get it up! So you sit there, out of the moment, thinking damn penis why can’t you get hard and please your partner? This repeats on end, completely taking you out of the moment, making it so hard to get aroused because you know you’re not preforming. It becomes this anxiety ridden THING. What’s wrong with your body!?
My advice is to stop making it about cumming. Just remove that word in reference to her from your head. You admittedly like hearing and seeing her aroused. A big part of my not cumming has always been that it is a chore for my spouse. Stop when it gets to be too much work, but continue up until that feeling hits. Simply allow yourself to bathe in the fact that she is enjoying it in that exact moment, because I guarantee what is holding her back (largely) is the moment. Expectations. Dreading the thought that you are sitting there thinking, “what’s taking so long?” It’s not taking so long if you just hope she feels good.
devote time to just worshipping her. as much as you want to get off, don’t. if she doesn’t, let it become pent up! there is amazing pleasure in pent up sexual energy. one man’s blueballs is another man’s “I need to worship her body all over tomorrow.” (or vice versa)
Obviously you’re not some asshole for wanting her to get off, but if in her mind you’ll yell out “GOALLLLLLL” if she does, it gets so big in her head when the goal isn’t reached! plus you ARE an asshole if you dont make an effort to get her off. that shit gets old. real old. been literally in your girl’s shoes
Sounds like she has built it up inside her head and feels pressure to cum to make you happy. Take sex and orgasms off the table for a bit. Light some candles, warm the room and give her a sensual massage with coconut oil. Engage in [sensate focus](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sensate-focus-getting-out-of-your-head-into-your-body-during-sex-1107174) – this is a practice where the goal is not to orgasm or tpuch erogenous zones but just to give your partner pleasing physical sensations. You can tickle, stroke, kiss, massage, lick, etc, use a feather to stroke her or other textured items. You must make it clear to her that you will not touch her nipples or genitals and that orgasm is not the focus, just simple to feel the sensations. Be present with her, tune into her, encourage her to breathe deeply and steadily. If you see her lose focus and go into her head, gently bring her back to her physical sensations. Ask her if she likes it, wants less, more, etc. Tell her that her body is beautiful and focus on the non erogenous parts.
Another thing you can do is a pussy massage. Once again light candles, warm the room, tell her that she is under no pressure to cum, if she does that’s great, if she doesn’t that’s also great. She just needs to be in the moment and feel the sensations. Also tell her to let whatever emotional reaction come. if she needs to laugh, cry, moan, scream (not necessarily in pleasure) then she can let it all go and she is safe and you will hold and be with her through it all. Start with her comfortable on the bed. Put a pillow under her hips to raise and tilt her pelvis. Oil your hands – lots of coconut oil. You may like to start with her belly and work your way down with sweeping movements. Massage her thighs and work your way to the inner thighs. Watch her and gauge her reaction. Come close to her vulva. You’ll know if she’s ready she will open up like a flower. If she’s not continue to massage her thighs. When she’s ready don’t at anytime zero in on her clit. Cup her mound. Sweep your hands over the whole mound. Draw them down her labia. Continue massaging. At some point she may want you to penetrate with her fingers but you need to take your time and gauge her reaction. When you think she may be ready bring your fingers to her entrance and wait, maybe stroke her slit a little but don’t go in. If she wants it she’ll practically suck you inside If not just continue to massage her vulva.
Layla Martin discusses pussy massage on her you tube channel in great detail, such as in this [video](https://youtu.be/eOKCMqcu4-E) . I highly recommend that you watch her videos prior to trying this.
Oh and for both the sensate focus and the pussy massage set a timer for 20 or 30 minutes. It will again help take the pressure off her because she won’t feel like You’ll be going until she cums and she will know that it won’t last indefinitely.