My partner and I recently had a baby together. We both have 2 from previous relationships. When I was married to my kids’ mother I helped her out as much as I could when they were newborns and slowly did more and more as she transitioned from breastfeeding to bottle feeding. My current partner is exclusively breastfeeding and it doesn’t sound like she wants to ever transition to bottle feeding or bottle feed only in emergency situations. My trouble in all of this is she gets snarky because I sleep at night while she’s awake feeding the baby. I’ve told her to wake me and I’ll gladly bottle feed our daughter at night so she can sleep. She says no. During the day I offer to feed her, to burp her, to do things so she can rest and she will have me burp her but that’s about it. Even when it comes time for diaper changing she says let me do it or I’ve got it and then gets upset that I’m not doing much to help her. Tonight I was sterilizing some bottles and pacifiers when her youngest son, who is 16 and usually does take care of himself, said he was hungry so I asked him what he wanted to eat since I was busy trying to do the little I could to help her with our baby so I could have some dinner delivered to the house. When he responded she was burping our newborn so I took our newborn to burp her for my partner. She wasn’t burping so my partner told me to just lay her down which I did. I proceeded to order dinner for her youngest son and our daughter got fussy to which my partner got up and tended to her. When I tried to get our daughter from her and apologized for taking so I long she snapped at me saying she didn’t care what I was doing and fed our daughter. Again when she was burping her I tried to help and told her why I was slow the first time and she said he can order his own food which is true. I just can’t seem to do anything right with her. Even before the birth of our daughter I am the one to wake up and take her sons to school (Senior and Sophomore), I usually pick them up, I usually cook when I can…and I’m happy to do all of this…I’m just tired of trying to help with the baby, get told she’s got it handled, and then her snap at me or her tell people like our families that I don’t do enough to help with the baby…any advice is appreciated
2 comments
Wow she sucks, most women would kill for a man like you in her position I hear so many stories of usless fathers and here’s one who wants to help out with the child care and she’s pushing you away?
You sure no one in her life is telling her she’s a bad mother or something so she’s trying to compensate
Or maybe post pardum, that stuff can show up months after you have a baby
I think you need to have a proper chat to her and not during one of the moments these little conflicts are happening, I know with a baby it’s rare. But let her know at some point during a small quiet window, perhaps when baby gets put down to sleep, you’d like to talk.
As her how she is doing, let her know you think she is doing an amazing job, but also let her know you’re in this together and she needs to allow you to start doing more. Let her know you try and feel she often turns you away. Remind her you guys are in this together and you want to help make things easier for her. Tell her these things will also give you a closer bond to your daughter. Perhaps suggest a little more of a plan/routine that gives her some “time off” and you the time to bond. Ask how she would feel about expressing milk so you can bottle feed some nights so she gets to rest, etc.
Ultimately she is sounding stressed and overwhelmed, I’m not sure how you are tackling your approach, but (and I’m not saying this is a fair reaction from her if this is happening) if you’re asking permission rather than just “doing” this could be niggling at her.
She doesn’t sound like she is currently being reasonable, but I also think it’s likely she doesn’t realise she’s doing it, she’s tired, stressed, physically and mentally drained, tell her she isn’t making parenting together easy and you want to take part of the “load”