TL;DR. I dont know its normal for me to not be attracted to my partner of 10+ years. i dont know if i should end it and look for someone who can give me everything my partner gives me AND i enjoy having sex with him. or am i chasing a made up fairy tale.
I’m at my wits end. I need honest-to-god advice. Brutally honest.
I (26f) have been with my partner (27m) for just over a decade, married for 4 of those years.
Our marriage, for the most part, is amazing. he’s a wonderful person, and a fantastic human being all around. I get along amazingly with his family. And he and i work so well together.
but i don’t find myself wanting to have sex with HIM at ALL. and i truly do not know if it’s because I’m not attracted to him or because I’m truly sexual. if this is normal and I’m overthinking it, or if this is a huge sign it’s not working. it’s not BAD. he does everything right, he lasts long. but I’m just not attracted to him. i haven’t been for years. it’s hard to even get wet anymore. it often feels like a chore. but is that normal after 10+ years?
the reason i don’t know is because we’re literally each other’s first EVERYTHING. boyfriend/ girlfriend, kiss, sex, husband/ wife, home buying, etc. this is all we know. we started dating in middle school and have been together ever since.
so i have no REALISTIC frame of reference. but i know we work well together. both of our therapists have even commended us for how well we communicate to each other. because it’s true. without a doubt, we care about each other deeply. there’s no resentment or hatred. i cannot emphasize enough how wonderful our relationship is. he’s my best friend. he deserves the absolute world.
but I’m not attracted to him AT ALL and it’s tearing me apart. he’s so into me, even still. but is that normal for husbands? i see tiktoks about it so i think that’s normal?
and then i see tiktoks about wives not being attracted to their spouse and it gets so many likes. like it’s relatable? so then i think my feelings are normal.
but then I’ll see comments on some tiktoks saying that EVERYONE can find the whole package in their partner. and that you should WANT to have sex with each other regularly.
but i don’t know if they are just bullshitting or just dont realize not everyone can have that. sorta on par with famous youtubers saying EVERYONE can do it. but we know it also takes an insane amount of luck.
there’s a common joke that guys enjoy sex more and that most women don’t orgasm during sex. my relationship unfortunately fits this. BUT is that actually the norm. seriously. does everyone’s or most people’s relationship fit that? or is this actually a relationship red flag?
are relationships like that? is what I’m feeling actually normal and I’m just buying into / falling for their bs??
or is what I’m feeling actually not normal and i should want to have sex with him?
i cant risk losing him if this is actually a normal feeling and I’m falling for people who are making up this unrealistic fairy tale.
but if thats possible? oh my god… if its possible to find someone i can truly connect with, just like my current husband, AND im crazy about him sexually too? i would want that so fucking badly. that sounds amazing. and if it thats possible, he and i both deserve that. i dream about what that would be like.
but is it a fairytale? don’t give me false hope please. there’s too much at stake for me to chase something “better” when I’ve had the best all along.
i feel awful for thinking this but it’s been years of this turmoil. i go one day convincing myself that what I’m helping is normal and its unrealistic to expect to find a man with that whole package. and the next day, all i can do is think about what it feel like to date. go through the motions of finding a man. going on dates and finding a guy who I’m crazy about both mentally and physically/sexually. i want that so badly if its possible.
people who dated multiple people (REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOURE SINGLE NOW OR NOT), give me a realistic view of the dating pool basically. PLEASE. EMPHASIZE ON BRUTALLY HONEST. am i idealizing and romantasizing what it’s like to look for and how possible it is to find a guy thats my whole package. because my current man checks most of the boxes. but i truly dont know how vital the sex one is.
how attracted SHOULD i realistically expect to be with my partner after a decade?
4 comments
Plenty of people do in fact stay attracted to their partner for their entire lives. The libido may diminish a bit, but not vanish entirely.
Some if it, quite frankly, may be your sex life. The rule of thumb is that everyone who participates in sex should get at least one orgasm, if they want it. If you haven’t come, sex isn’t done. There’s absolutely zero reason why you should put up with getting less pleasure than him on a regular basis. He’s had more than enough time to learn how to be a good partner, so unless you have a physical problem that is preventing orgasm you should be getting nearly the same number he is. Hell, most happy marriages I know, the woman (or women) get multiple each time sex happens. Some dudes are THRILLED to send their partner over the edge three, five, ten times a night even if they can only get there once or twice.
Have you considered talking to a sex therapist together? It’s embarrassing, but it can also cut through a lot of chaff and figure out exactly why you’re not feeling jolly about that sector.
I dated a lot, married the best of a VERY ROUGH lot and we’ve been together for a decade total. I am still very in love with and very attracted to my husband. Honestly, the dating pool, especially the choices straight women have, is not that great. You gotta wade through a lot of shit to find a gem. But it is totally possible to find someone compatible that you’re sexually attracted to (unless you are asexual in which case you’re probably not gonna find anyone you find sexually attractive).
If you’re asexual then what you’re feeling is normal but you should let your husband know. If you’re not asexual, your feelings are still normal but that does not mean it’s a healthy relationship for you to be in.
All of your information is coming from tiktok and you tube? Jesus….for most people one of the pillars of a great relationship is being attracted to your partner. I personally 40m, wouldn’t stay with anyone I wasn’t physically attracted to. I’ve been with my fiance (29f) for 4 years now. While we don’t have sex every day like when we were younger, we’re both extremely attracted to eachother, quality over quantity. It’s all about communication, but I’m not sure how your husband would respond to what your issue is. I didn’t meet the love of my life until I was 36. I had dozens and dozens of partners, multi year relationships etc..but it took me until my mid 30s to really find out who I was and what I wanted out of a relationship. My oersonal opinion is people who Meer during childhood and stay married are usually only staying in it because it’s comfy, all they know, and the fear of being alone sucks.
I can also tell you modern dating? Sucks ass. I work with a lot of single people and I thank the good everyday that I’m not in that pool. I had to wade through alot of bullshit to find my fiance. So I’d say your stuck between a rock and a hard place. You need to sit down and figure out what you really want
Listen and read Esther Perel…this is more common than people want to admit. It’s the erotic that you are talking about…and reason it’s probably not there is because of total security. I highly recommend reading her two books, listen to her podcast, watch her TED talk…it will be extremely insightful.