I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. He does nice things for me all the time, we have the same sense of humor and interests, he’s extremely caring and empathetic especially for a man.
Everything besides our sex is 10/10. When we do have sex, it feels good but it’s very simple with not much foreplay involved (unless I’m giving him head or initiating something). We have sex in missionary every time and he finishes pretty fast, and then it’s over. I love giving him head and handjobs and being sensual with him which he enjoys, but he never asks for me to do this, nor does he return the favor. He seems to really love it when I do do it though.
I understand some people just aren’t as sexual as others, so I told him I’m pretty sexual of a person and I’m used to my past partners initiating sex often and experimenting and returning head, etc. He says he just doesn’t feel very sexual and doesn’t get horny often, and I can also tell he is shy and a little insecure. I hint at things I want to do pretty often but I think he takes them as a joke or doesn’t think I’m serious.
He’s a great partner and I don’t want him to think I’m unsatisfied or that he’s not being good enough, nor do I want to coerce someone to do sexual things with me that they’re not interested in, but it does make me feel insecure that he isn’t interested in giving head or any other kinds of foreplay on my body or even just making out most of the time.
Like I said he is great and affection in other ways but I’ve always been very sexual and I feel sexually frustrated in our relationship and not sure what to do. Any ideas?
4 comments
Have you had conversations with him about this?
I’m not sure of your ages, but has he had his testosterone level checked or has he always been low drive?
The “everything is great except for the sex” relationships are almost never as great as people think they are. Meaning: given the importance of sex in a relationship, especially a monogamous relationship, if the sex isn’t *mutually* fulfilling — and it clearly is not right now for you — then it almost always suggests there are other problems in the relationship: around communication, trust, honesty, etc.
I mean, respectfully but you’re barely being honest with yourself. You say “I don’t want him to think I’m unsatisfied” but the truth is: *you do feel unsatisfied*. Most people would feel dissatisfied too if they felt like sex was one-sided in their partner’s favor which is what your sex life sounds like right now.
You’re not getting what you want out of it. It’s not just about oral sex — though that’s a pretty big red flag already if you’re with someone who doesn’t want to go down on you — it’s also about being with someone you feel well-matched with sexually.
So sure, maybe the rest of the relationship is great but ask yourself this: *if your current sex life is as good as it will ever be, for the rest of your life with this person, are you ok with that?*
If you’re not then you should either break up now, so you don’t waste more time on a relationship that will leave you feeling sexually unfulfilled *or* you’re going to have to risk hurt feelings by having a candid conversation with him about what both of you want out of your sex lives together.
You two may realize that there’s work to be done but you’re down to do it together and turn sex into a journey of mutual exploration and excitement. (Best case scenario)
Or you two may realize the gulf between you is to large and free each other to find people you’d be better off with. (Not the outcome you want but may be the outcome you need).
Or you could do/say nothing and feel your dissatisfaction grow to the point where your frustration curdles into resentment and the relationship begins to fall apart anyways. (Worst case scenario)
You have a lot to gain by being more direct with him and much to lose by avoiding those conversations.
And regardless, there is nothing remotely coercive about advocating for your pleasure. It’s only coercion if you won’t take “no” for an answer or if you try to manipulate him through guilt or anger. But simply saying “I’d love for you to go down on me” isn’t coercion. It’s literally a statement of desire. If he doesn’t want to reciprocate, that’s his right. Your right is to take that knowledge into whatever you choose to do about the future of your relationship.
I’m in a similar situation. My wife feels the same and wants me to improve in terms of sex. I’m just not sure how to ho about it…