Am I [26F] being unreasonable or is my partner [24M] being selfish?

My partner and I have known each other as friends for 1 year before dating and have been together for about 8 months now, long distance as I had to move to help my grandparents while my grandpa undergoes chemo, and at first, everything was going really well; we were both very upfront about what kind of relationship we wanted to try to build and I, in particular, was very clear about what kind of person I am – I have ADHD, am autistic and have been in therapy for cluster-B personality disorders but never got an official diagnosis, these are important disclosures for me as I feel knowing this info can help people interact with me differently or at least understand me and make it easier to communicate with me i.e. telling people to be upfront or that I can’t control my tone of voice and how I sound doesn’t always reflect what I mean etc. He seemed to understand and adjusted fairly well compared to past relationships. He’s encouraged me to be more true to myself, actively is interested in learning about how I think and reassures me that my autistic habits haven’t bothered him but lately things have been extremely tense, we’ve had a ‘conversation’ about my behavior basically every week. These ‘conversations’ consist of him pointing out everything I did ‘wrong’ during the week – including but not limited to: not giving him adequate explanations for why I did/do things, not having time to call him/voice chat with him during the day (but he wakes up past noon everyday), spending time with my friends over spending time with him, not giving him enough attention and similar ‘issues’. In general, his problem with me is that I don’t ‘prioritize him’ – this phrase in particular I’ve been hearing for weeks now.

I have pointed out to him that he was/is being extremely controlling and explained to him that my day is spent taking care of my grandparents (cleaning, cooking, helping, driving them etc.) and that I cannot predict or guarantee particular amounts of time during the day and even if I can get that I could have to leave to do something at any moment. He claims to understand all of this and yet still, for lack of better phrase, throws a fit every week when we don’t get ‘enough’ time together.

Every time we have a ‘conversation’ about me, and it’s always about me, I point out all the logical reasons for my actions and it does not seem to be enough, he’s always wanting me to apologize and claims that I never validate his feelings or take him seriously. If I ever bring up how miserable it is for me to have to sit through him telling me that the way that I am naturally is me being an asshole and that by [going about my life as I normally would] am ‘fucking him over’ he claims that I’m turning him into a villain and making malicious assumptions about him.

It’s gotten even worse since he started playing my favorite video game, which I protested and told him that every time someone I’ve dated has played this game with me it’s ruined the relationship because I’m VERY good at this game and all my past partners who played this game with me seemed to never be able to reconcile that. This game is also important to me because one of it’s core elements is group-based content and my strongest friendships were found on this game; I’ve been playing this game since I was in elementary school, I met one of my absolute best friends whom I’ve known for 9 years now on this game. I feel rather regretful that I didn’t set a hard boundary on this because exactly what I feared was going to happen has happened; he is trying to turn the game into an ‘us’ thing in that, if we don’t play together every opportunity we get to he gets very petulant and continues to say that I’m fucking him over when I play with my friends instead of him because ‘we’ have so little time (he works until 12am, I have to wake up at 8:30am everyday).

My close friends who play this game as well don’t like to play with us because he always starts an argument or whines about me correcting his mistakes/giving him direction (which he asked for) but, of course, they are perfectly happy to play with JUST me and he hates this. Very often I am invited to play with friends and everyone is ready to play right away but I still ask him about it. I give him the option of choosing because I want to be considerate (i.e. Do you want to play [game] or shall I go play with [friends]?) and he always says ‘Do what you want, it’s fine’ but is upset with whatever I choose. If I choose to play with my friends (who are technically waiting on me) he says that I’m fucking him over and not ‘prioritizing him’ but if I say that I’ll play with him (in a totally non-inflammatory way too, just something like ‘okay, lets play together then!’) he’ll lament about how he feels bad he’s keeping me from doing what I want and making me unhappy (which isn’t true until he starts whining and being self-deprecating). I’ve been trying to be more honest with him and not masking – something he asked me to do – and so my usual response to this is honesty, that I was happy to play with him until he got moody about it and turned it into me having to defend my choice and reassure him of my feelings for him. His response to this is that I’m being a dick to him because he’s ‘just trying to share his feelings and get validation from me’ but I don’t think it’s very appropriate or kind to tell someone that you’re fine with whatever decision they make and then immediately complain about said decision. I’ve suggested that he needs to reconnect with his friends and establish or re-join his old friend groups because I can’t be the only one he ever tells anything to and he always falls back to that he ‘doesn’t have time’ for friends or that friendships are ‘more effort than they’re worth’ and that since I’m his partner I should be the one who’s closest to him via emotional connection.

Everyone in my friend group thinks he is manipulative, narcissistic and toxic and I’ll admit there’s SO many red flags beyond just what’s happening in this point but there’s so much good in him, he’s been through a lot of bad stuff – his family doesn’t care about him, his past partners cheated on him and were extremely toxic (like to the point he was suicidal) and while it’s very clear to me WHY he’s acting the way he does, he doesn’t seem to believe me when I point it out or says ‘that doesn’t apply here’ and gets angry with me when I suggest therapy.

I’m at my wits end trying to help him, I’m a problem solver, talking about emotions all the time doesn’t make me feel better and while I’ve adjusted to allow him to talk about things I can’t keep tolerating him berating me for behavior he’s constantly saying is okay and active encouraging me to continue. I’m also prone to being a caretaker and I’m holding myself back from falling into the people-pleasing mentality but I’m afraid that I’m going to continue to commit to ‘potential’ and not realize what’s right in front of me. I don’t want to break up with him because things were very good and I feel like he could actually change because he wasn’t always like this – something about being in a relationship with me has brought back a lot of bad habits and insecurities but I just want him to feel safe to be himself like he was when we were just friends and at the beginning of our relation and not have to act out in defence.

I’m not sure how to go about navigating communicating with him in a mutually beneficial way and getting things back on track. What should I do or say to him to begin this sort of conversation?

TLDR; My partner’s insecurities and past toxic habits have resurfaced and he’s become controlling and temperamental and I’m unsure how to navigate communicating and problem solving with him.