How do you obtain confidence if you never had it?

5 comments

1. Confidence comes from two sources, IMO:

   1) The idea that the planet is a better place because YOU are on it, because YOU showed up.

   2) The feeling that you can DO the things you are trying to do.

   So, two separate areas to work on! For the first I suggest making a point to do a “Pay It Forward” exercise each and every day. Things like: smile at someone you’re not normally friendly with, or at a stranger; pick up some trash; let someone ahead of you in line or in traffic; pay someone a (sincere!) compliment; do someone a favor; buy someone a coffee or a sandwich; phone a shut-in; strike up a conversation with someone who looks lonely or who doesn’t get talked to much. Those are just a few examples but you can do an internet search for a lot more ideas. Also you can even start volunteering someplace: soup kitchen, habitat for humanity, etc.

   For the second — experience “doing the things” successfully. There are certain social ‘must-do’s’ that you should be practicing regularly to make sure you’re very confident in your ability to do them. Things like making eye contact and lighting up a big smile; having an energetic greeting; having a ‘hint of a smile’ on your face so you’re socially approachable and are ‘into’ the interaction; having topics ready to deploy for any social conversation (these come mostly out of your day-to-day experiences but you have to think about them AHEAD of time); what it takes to add ‘a little bit of humor’ (not be the center of attention but just regarded as someone who DOES have a good sense of humor); what your VIBE should feel like to other people.

   Those are all things you can work on a little bit at a time, mostly in your own home at first, and then you start taking it out in public and trying it out in low-risk situations like with grocery cashiers, store clerks, gym attendants, bank tellers, cafeteria people. All BRIEF interactions where you try out your big smile, your energetic greeting, you start dropping a comment or a (sincere) compliment, etc. You start getting used to the idea that YOU can set the tone, YOU can bring the positive, friendly vibe.

   You keep doing that for WEEKS (maybe months) until you develop it into a Superpower. THEN you bring it to your social life.

   With CONFIDENCE!

2. I’m not a pro and your personal situation could be complex. But if I could give advice based on your post, I think first you should try to improve your self esteem. In social settings, people pick up social cues and how well they’re expressed depend on your internal belief. To improve it, you could try to achieve something that makes you proud and brings personal satisfaction (it doesn’t need to be big, start with small achievements). Positive affirmations could help as well (look up neuro linguistic programming). Good luck.

3. You’re meant to be here. You’re not a mistake. Work on self improvement and focus on the things that make you happy. Know that others’ opinions of you are just that – opinions. They don’t matter. Hold your head high and do you, no matter what others think. Make yourself proud and the confidence will follow.

4. Try picking up *Six Pillars of Self-Esteem* by Nathaniel Branden.

   It walks you through making real, actionable goals based on being more responsible for your needs, asserting yourself, having integrity, living with purpose, and accepting yourself.

   Confidence comes from wisdom, which comes from practice. By making small, new actions each day, you can establish a more trusting and respecting relationship with yourself.

   1. Self-responsibility: what are your needs? How will you get those needs met? How will you get income, food, shelter, and relationships?
   2. Self-acceptance: who are you, right now? What parts of yourself are you unwilling to accept as true? When you accept them as true, where do you go from there?
   3. Self-assertion: what are your boundaries? How can you enforce them? When can you speak up for yourself?
   4. Living purposefully: what matters to you? What is important in life? How can you act on what matters, so that your actions feel meaningful?
   5. Living consciously: what should you be thinking about? How are you developing your mind?
   6. Personal integrity: do your beliefs and actions align with each other? Where do you think you could do better at acting on your deepest values? What are those values?

   It takes a long time to build these things up, and they don’t involve anything big: just small, daily habits, like getting a haircut to care for yourself, joining a club that interests you to have more purpose, or raising your hand in class to assert yourself and ask a question.

   The more you act, and the more you build these habits, the more you will see the PROOF of yourself transforming into someone with more self-respect and confidence.

5. Get into working out. Studying to obtain knowledge, and asserting yourself and actively doing uncomfortable things. It’s gonna be hard and it’s gonna suck but you got this shit dawg