Me and my girlfriend have been dating happily for 7 months now and it’s been the best relationship I’ve had in my life, we communicate well and have made our feelings extremely clear to one another that our hearts belong to each other, there’s only one thing in the relationship that isn’t amazing and that is her vaginismus, she is unable to have PIV sex due to the size of her vagina and the size of my member (she says she would love to have sex but the pain is too much to cope with) but this has never been a big issue as we still manage with oral and hand stuff.
However in the last week or so she’s come forward about her sexuality and believes that she may be asexual or at the very least on the spectrum of asexuality, and she has most recently told me about how she feels as though I’m missing out (as she pointed out that she has never made me cum and that I am still a virgin at this point in my life) so she pitched the idea of letting me have sex outside of the relationship, and we had previously talked about having a threesome with a mutual friend who showed their interest, and my girlfriend asked if I would want to just have sex with the mutual friend without her as she no longer finds it sexually appealing.
We talked about this idea of an “open relationship” for a while just to go over any questions we had for each other regarding it and in the end I came away from the conversation feeling perplexed about how chill she seemed and acted when proposing such an idea, I then told the mutual friend about it and they are fine with it and say that if my girlfriend is okay with it then they are too.
Overall I’m just curious about whether anyone has been in similar situations and whether anyone has any thoughts regarding my predicament. I personally find the idea a little strange and I feel as though I would feel guilty afterwards if I were to have sex with others, however hee reassurance about it calmed my worries a bit and now I’m just wondering what I do with this information?
10 comments
Open relationships are a huge taboo, mostly because people don’t bother actually thinking about it and just assume they’re bad.
Open relationships are not that uncommon, and they’re healthy for a couple with good communication skills. As long as you’re both open and honest, go for it.
You will feel guilty and 100% have MORE feelings towards your friend. This isn’t a big deal when you are 40s and start that course. You two being so young your relationship probably won’t work out, which is completely fine. Be ready for a long and rocky road. I hope whatever happens makes you happy
This is more something people do when they’re 50 and bored of each other sexually after 30 years of marriage. If you are already bored after 7 months, maybe this isn’t it.
Your 20 years old and dating a girl that can’t make you cum? I think you are somewhat asexual too
Why don’t you just break up. This relationship has nowhere to go long term. Are you going to go to other people for sex forever. Life is too short for these kinds of unnecessary complications. I know you want to be nice and stuff but you need to cut your losses.
If you want a relationship that includes a healthy sex life- why be in a pseudo relationship with one person, and a pseudo relationship with another? Now you’re looking for a person who’s comfortable with this dynamic while juggling the existing girlfriend, and you’re unavailable for a relationship with one person that meets your emotional and physical goals.
You’re young- so do whatever you want. Now is the time to be safe, but learn the hard lessons on what happens when you invite drama into your life. Relationships are complicated enough with just two people, you add a third person to the mix and you’re increasing the drama by 50% minimum- that’s assuming everyone gets along.
Vaginismus is a treatable condition. She needs to get her gynaecologist involved if your fledgling relationship is to have any chance of succeeding.
Edit: You underestimate the emotional significance of having sex. If you open up your relationship, you will develop feelings for the friend. Feelings that will likely grow stronger than those you currently have for your gf.
This is a question of monogamy for you both. Do you want to be in a dedicated romantic relationship with one single person? Does she? Nonmonogamy isn’t a bad thing, but it’s not as simple as “date one person I can’t fuck, fuck one person I can’t date”. You will have feelings for this other person and things will become complicated and you will have two girlfriends, especially complicated if its a friend omg. You both need to talk about any jealousy that could come up, and if there is any worry about jealousy then it’s not for you. An open relationship should not be the fix to a problem, it should feel more natural if you were nonmonogamous. Really ask each other about monogamy and why you got into this relationship. You can’t just flip a switch and be nonmonogamous.
Let’s operate off the idea that you and your gf are highly emotionally intelligent and never have problems expressing your honest feelings: talk (together and on your own) through all the of the extra emotional/mental and physical consequences that come with adding another into your relationship is worth it. You’re really young and most ppl twice your age have problems with this dynamic.
Now let’s operate as two barely-20 year olds who are new to the whole sex thing. This is way more complicated than it needs to be. We’ll take your gf’s word that she’s exploring her path in asexuality. That means she is still discovering new parts of herself. That leaves a chance she will discover that she can’t tolerate you being physical with another person. Yes even though she gave you a green light. Just know she’s working out a lot of emotional and physical things she might not understand fully. Do you want to risk the end of the relationship?
You both may do better taking the pressure of this relationship off the table.
Dude, DO NOT FUCK THE MUTUAL FRIEND. I’ve been in the lifestyle off and on now for 8 years and let me tell you the first bit of advice if you’re going to open things up, you never start off fucking people you both know. More horror stories happen from people getting excited about having sex with a friend only to find out someone gets jealous and you don’t come out on top of this in any situation.
If you two really want to open your relationship, first I would say you two really need to discuss this matter a lot more in detail. And when I say discuss it, it takes time man, you two need to go over EVERYTHING and anything imaginable because trust me, just when you think you’ve covered all bases, something comes up and you’re fucked.
You need to talk about boundaries, rules for play, rules for how its done, rules for safety, preference of consistent play partner(s) or random partners and then how that plays back into safety, etc. There is a lot you need to discuss in order to have a successful open relationship and many fail to do that because they’re just excited to fuck other people.
I’ve been in that situation, an ex of mine wanted to try a threesome and suggested her friend. Against my better judgement I agreed, had a blast getting to hook up with her friend who I did think was hot, only to find myself in multiple arguments the following weeks.
If you want to try, then find someone who is experienced in couples play. Look on SLS.com or Fetlife to find someone. Trust me, they will provide you with more valuable information and tips than your friend will