Me and my partner recently had a turning point kind of fight about me not being present when we have sex. I love him, i’m attracted to him, and I do crave sex but throughout our relationship I have checked out mentally due to a number of reasons, some examples include, not feeling much in my vagina, not being able to get lost in the sensations like he does, thinking i’m of the worst sexual partners he’s ever had.

My boyfriend has had a very long sexual history before me that I know quite a bit about because we were extremely close friends before we got together (I mean we still are friends but he wouldn’t talk about that kind of stuff with me now). I wasn’t a virgin, but I definitely was not as experienced as him. I had very high expectations for sex and when it wasn’t as explosive as I imagined (No pleasurable sensations in my vagina, and it was hard to cum by another persons hands) I was a bit crushed.

My boyfriend had said that he gets most turned on when I am extremely turned on and having an amazing time. Cue shame, guilt, and lots of pressure I mounted on myself for not being able to enjoy sex with the person I love more than anything in the world.

My boyfriend is amazing and he has always stated that he is in it for the long haul and that the two of us will work things out. We’ve lived together for a year and some failed attempts in achieving that sexual chemistry really stressed me out and made me feel broken which lead me constantly disassociating when I knew things were leading up to sex because the pressure was too much.

Well we had this turning point fight which was great and really needed actually. In the end it made us more unified and determined to work on our communication and try to make 2023 the year I really enjoy sex to the fullest.

It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed sex before I just have a mental block most of the time which inhibits me from really letting loose so to speak. We tried sex while smoking weed and it was AMAZING for me, I was shaking and screaming. But that’s not really a sustainable option for us to do every time we have sex.

I tried to masturbate today for the first time in a long time and I realized something that I had never attempted to make sense of.

I was watching porn, MF, and I wasn’t really interested in the guy just the girl. Except I wasn’t turned on by her body but rather her confidence, sultry nature, and control I guess (not in a domineering sort of way rather the control she had over her body and the movements).

I came by pretending I had those qualities and could enjoy sex the way she did and be that sure of myself. It was not a satisfying orgasm, just short and I was completely turned off after the fact maybe because I was longing for something I don’t know how to have yet.

I’ve been experiencing the above scenario for a few years now but I have never thought deeply about what I was doing or why I felt negatively afterwards, kinda crazy.

I haven’t been able to deal with my insecurity/anxiety about sex and it has affected my relationship and my own mental health over the past few years. I’ve felt broken and like less than a woman. But now I have gotten to the root of the problem, I’m just not really sure where I go from here. Advice?

5 comments

  1. I had a similar issue, not to this degree though. I have adhd so it can be hard to be present. What ive found is doing grouning techniques (5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 things you taste), or talking with your partner more, or repeating “this feels good” in your head so you can’t zone out. I haven’t tried this personally but some people say having less senses makes it easier to focus so they may close their eyes. Or even try low light and candles to keep you recognizing this is a special moment because the light is different.

  2. I (32m) also struggle with dissociation during sex with my partner. It’s helpful to be able to have honest conversations together.
    And like other dissociative experiences, it can be a shock to your nervous system to allow too much presence at once, it’s something we have to learn and acclimate to. If I could give some nonprofessional advice I’d recommend taking things slowly when it’s your turn to receive, and explore other areas of your body and types of touch that give you pleasure and arousal. Over the course of weeks or months of your body getting used to fully experiencing pleasure you’ll learn how to remain present.
    Betty martin’s 3-minute game is an exercise that can help with this
    https://bettymartin.org/how-to-play-the-3-minute-game/

  3. It can be an expense, but have you considered getting bloodwork done for your hormones? Do you currently or have you previously take/taken anti-depressants? Has the sensation of sex changed significantly over time? Change in periods?

    This could possibly be tied to a decrease in estrogen. I would research this as a possibility or get in touch with a doctor.

  5. I dissociate as a response to PTSD and the number one thing that helped me, and this might go against traditional practice, is steering into it as often as I can.

    At my most severe, I dissociate to the point that I no longer sense myself in my body. I’m completely detached from all physical sensation. In those moments, I explore ways to prolong, shorten, and direct my experience. I mentally catalogue everything I can remember about potentials triggers in and out of dissociation. Through this, I’ve learned to control it to an extent. I’m not perfect at initiating it, but I can pull myself out whenever I want. That also means I can stop most emotions quickly, turn off fatigue and pain, and detach myself for new perspectives.

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