Not even sleep with them, just after the first date, i feel like we don’t click. ive been on a few dates in the last couple of years since single and no one seems to have that spark. And these women are fantastic by all means, like has a job, emotionally availabe and all the good signs for a good relationship.
Idk am I being picky? My mates reckon bc im so used to dating emotionally unstable women, dating someone whos okay will feel weird. But like these emotionally stable women feel.. idk like something isnt quite sparking. I don’t get it
This normal?
18 comments
It’s ok if you haven’t found a spark yet. Keep trying!
Maybe there aren’t interesting. Like when I go out with someone I need to have a mental connection, same values and interests. And not so many people can have a mental connection lol
So it’s ok to be picky sometimes 🍁
“you’re so gay and you don’t even like boys” sry… Katty Perryes song just came to me when i read the post. BTW. This happens to me also; and giving that you are aproaching 30 this probably will happen even more often to you, as you would see that relationships require a lot of work, and finding the person you click with will become harder, cause you yourself are getting older and less available. Enjoy the search though, every new person might teach you something new and useful.
If you’ve only dated “emotionally unstable” women then yeah dating someone emotionally available and communicative and healthy might feel boring or like there isn’t a spark. You’re looking for signs of attraction based on past experiences of conflict. I don’t think you should try to force relationships or lead people on, but maybe try a few second dates and look for compatibility instead of immediate excitement. My first date mantra is never, “is this the one, is there a spark, is this my forever person???” Instead I ask myself “is this person kind and cool and funny? Do I want to keep learning about them?”
I wouldn’t pass judgement on people who check all the boxes for there not being a spark after only one date. The spark doesn’t have to be immediate. For me, the spark only shows its face after getting to know somebody pretty well. All of my long term relationships started this way.
Suggest you read “How to Not Die Alone” by Logan Ury and “The Science of Happily Ever After” by Ty Tashiro
Folks used to a certain degree of drama in their personal lives often find healthy situations unsatisfying. If it’s connected to past trauma, maybe look into therapy (if you can afford it). Orherwise all you can really do is keep looking and hope you find a stable girl who is so damn attractive you don’t miss the lack of constant stress and drama.
1 date and that’s it? How about you try for a couple weeks of talking, multiple dates and then judge.
I think it’s important to ask yourself what you genuinely want from a relationship with another person (and therefore what do you want out of your life in the next few years + how does someone else fit into that.) if you’re able to connect with / identify things that you genuinely like in relationships, then you’ll be able be able to date a lot more confidently.
There might be some truth in what your friends are saying. Maybe you don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like because you haven’t been in one.
I think some introspection, meditation, and journaling would be a great tools to help you understand your dating choices.
Questions to reflect on:
– Did you truly have a “spark” with your exes or was the chaos of a toxic relationship a placebo spark?
– Why are you attracted to women that you know are emotionally unstable? Does it seem easier because those relationships won’t last forever?
– Did you convince yourself that love means fighting, jealousy and instability due to your environment growing up?
– Are you giving any of these new women a fair chance or are you immediately giving up because you’re so used to the adrenaline rush of instability?
– What is your definition of a healthy relationship? – What does healthy love mean to you and why?
– Are you ready for something serious and long-term? Or are you chasing a spark because you don’t feel ready?
– Do you feel like you deserve to date emotionally stable and successful women? If so, why are you blocking yourself? Where is the blockage coming from?
If you’re giving up after the first date, maybe you’re not giving yourself enough time to know them. It’s your call of course, but maybe if the first date doesn’t go badly, try a second date.
Don’t worry too much about it. I’m in a similar situation where I just can’t seem to follow through with a relationship, especially after the train wreck that was my last.. the healing process takes time, brother. You could still be hurt by the last even if you think you’re completely healed. Or maybe it’s just me I dunno I’m just a guy on the internet.
Are you me, cause I’m in the same boat😂? But in all seriousness, I think it’s just a sign that you’re actually getting yourself out there and meeting lots of new people, which is a great thing!! It’s just that, sometimes when we cast our line out, we catch, or in this case meet, someone who we realize just isn’t right for us, and that’s okay! Not every lady has to be a potential mate, in fact, most aren’t. Remember, you only have to get lucky once, and then, boom, you’ve found someone who is right for you. So keep searching!
You do you. Just don’t whine about being single. Don’t offer friendship to women you’re not interested in dating either. Your friendship is not a gift. You’re personality isn’t as amazing as you think it is.
Your a man right? Not some woman faking this post?
Dude your WAY too into your emotions, find a woman, get to know them MORE and see if there are ANYTHING that you like about them.
> My mates reckon bc im so used to dating emotionally unstable women, dating someone whos okay will feel weird.
If you have been dating BPD women then they are basically a drug to your brain. You need time for your dopamine and other receptors to get back to baseline.
You are basically chasing high drama and emotions. Figure out what you want from life. Do you want to be addicted to a drug and have no stability. Or do you want someone kind who will treat you nice and be a good mother if you have kids. But you won’t be riding a rollercoaster with the highs and lows.
You can’t get the highs without the lows by the way. It’s a brain chemistry thing.
If you are not clicking, you are not clicking. Welcome to dating.
Start to be jerk. Date few and see how it works. Keep pushing than find something in between jer and good guy.