i’ve been unhappy with our sex life for two years. he doesn’t know how to turn me on even tho i have told him what does but he doesn’t seem to listen. i think he sees pleasuring me as a chore and he usually finishes first and i usually don’t. i don’t think he realises that i’m not satisfied. there isn’t enough foreplay. he kisses me for a minute and asks if i’m ready and when i say i need more time he asks me again after another minute and then i feel like i have to say yes cos i don’t want him to feel like he doesn’t turn me on i just need more time. i thought a book about female pleasure might be a good idea but i don’t want to hurt his feelings as we have been together for 2 years now. i just don’t want to bring it up cos he will question why i haven’t told him in the first place when i have but he hasn’t listened. don’t want an argument. but i feel like a book would inform him more. any advice would be appreciated.
16 comments
Just be honest about it. If he doesn’t listen, be blunt. If he cares about you, he might be hurt but try his best.
Don’t worry so much about his feelings.
It’s been two years and you already told him what you like. Now it’s time to care for yourself!
So please talk to him, tell him again, and then tell him there won’t be penetrative sex until he made you climax. Because he obviously doesn’t care about your pleasure, and it’s not fair he’s only caring about his orgasm.
And if talking didn’t do the trick in two years, it seems like you need to cut him off sexually for actually starting to care. Or you need to be very blunt and direct.
Because currently he isn’t good at sex, as it seems.
Then give him a book, maybe Come as you are from Emily Nagoski.
Bite the bullet and tell him and don’t lie if he hasn’t done enough. This doesn’t help anyone and sends the wrong message to him.
I think maybe the best way to approach this subject is to explore each others bodies without and PIV penetration.
Tell him it’s a game to get to know each others bodies better and really find out what each other likes. Be honest with each other during the experience. Tell him it’s ok to ask questions, that there are no stupid questions, but be clear with what you like.
If the end goal isn’t PIV, then it might help slow down the experience and allow him to figure out what you like and implement that in his “normal” Routine. (For lack of a better term lol)
Story time.
Had a girlfriend who was a sex educator. When I admitted I had never had anal, not from lack of trying, she got me a book and bookmarked the chapter on anal. “Not until you read this.”
Everyone was happy that night, except maybe her roommate.
Honesty is key here, be gentle about it though.
And this is serious , maybe watch some girl on girl action with him
Then while watching it say I would love it if you did that to me it looks so hot
It sounds like you’ve tried to teach him, he just doesn’t want to learn. A book won’t make him care about your pleasure or stop being selfish and lazy. But you should read them & having the conversation with him may help you to practice communication & feel like you’ve done everything you can do. Maybe it’s a turning point for him to change. If it changes nothing you can move on & find someone that cares about your feelings and knowing that you did everything that you could to try to make it work.
You are an adult, as is he. I do not recommend “beating around the bush” or “dropping hints”, but instead be firm about your sexual needs. Have a serious talk with him about your sexual needs, about what turns you on, and what you want him to do. Then, ask him if he wants a book to learn more about sex.
Maybe he’s not experienced, or was raised in a sex negative household, or doesn’t have any sexual confidence. It’s on you to make your needs clear to him.
Oh come on. You told him and he chose not to listen because he doesn’t care. He is a bad lay and is fine with it.
You should get him a book and tell him that you t1ke no pleasure because he is not good in bed because he is lazy. Let him sort himself out.
Failing that, find someone else. You’re young, you’ve already wasted 2 years with him, it is not worth it.
he is NOT going to read that book, because if he cared enough about your pleasure to put in effort, he would have done it by now. be straightforward. tell him you aren’t satisfied. don’t make excuses for him anymore.
>any advice would be appreciated.
Be direct. “I need x from you, and you need to start caring about my sexual satisfaction. I’ll get you a book if you need help, but I’m unhappy. ”
The book alone just comes off as passive-aggressive and will not address the issue.
And be ready for it to still not change, at which you will have a decision to make.
As a guy, talking to all the women out there, lying about what you want, how we are doing, or anything else in the bedroom helps neither of us. Just be honest. Tell us. All is to do X. Don’t fake anything.
As a guy talking to all the guys out there, listen to what she is telling you and work on it. If you don’t know, ask. If you don’t know how, ask. If you want to improve, ask. And then do what they say. Get over your ego, it never helps on the bedroom. Ever.
As a guy to everyone, if they know what they need to do in no uncertain terms and simply won’t do it, then don’t be with them. That is just selfish behavior and no one should reward or be rewarded for that.
Hurt his feelings. Don’t be cruel or anything but you need to be clear with him. No one deserves bad sex.
If he isn’t doing it for you, tell him. Tell him he needs to get better. If he’s stopping every minute doing things you like so that he can be selfish, then tell him in clear terms that he’s being selfish then stop the sex there.
Make him wait it out. If he wants his itches scratched then he will get it with mutual fulfilling sex or not at all. Tell him exactly what he did to kill the mood, and that you’re tired of not being satisfied, and that sex is over for the night since you are no longer in the mood.
You can try again tomorrow or another time, when he’s ready to put some effort in.
In all honesty, this is a horrible trait. I can’t imagine not wanting to make my partner feel good. I also imagine this isn’t the only are where this guy is selfish and using you. Put your foot down everywhere, don’t put up with bullshit.
If he can’t adapt, then you can find yourself someone with an ounce of empathy.
You need to learn how to communicate.
Talk to him, be kind, but honest. Tell him what you want, stop saying you’re ready when you’re not.
Ignore the people critiquing your communication skills.
You *have* let him know it’s not good for you and he doesn’t care enough to change/ knows that you are afraid to say more.
The implicit threat of an unpleasant conversation has you tolerating something worse than an argument: an unhealthy sex life, a partner who uses you for his own pleasure and gives zero F’s about yours.
You are way too young to waste any more time with this guy.
For future men who actually take interest in your pleasure, this is a great resource:
[https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260](https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260)
I have nothing of value to add, but can I guess the book?