How can I be a better person for the people I care about?

***WARNING. LONG POST. I’M NOT EVEN SURE IF THIS IS THE RIGHT SUB FOR THIS STUFF. IF YOU HAVE TO CRUCIFY ME DO IT GENTLY ❤***

Hey there. I (24M) dropped out college 4 years ago due to crippling anxiety and lack of direction. I then got a depressing, dead end graveyard shift job (pun sorta intended) which made it pretty hard to have a life outside of work. Wasn’t just the job’s fault though. I definitely isolated myself due to the shame I had for my general situation. About a year ago, I finally sought professional help for my issues. It ended with me quitting my awful factory job, rekindling some of my old friendships, and going back to college to finish what I started. Two of my friends and I were even apartment hunting. I’m on the road to finally moving out if my parents’ house. Long overdue, I know. More on that later.

So yeah. I’m fairly satisfied with my lot, as it stands. Only one problem, though: I’m a total piece of shit.

For most of my adult life, I’ve had this horrible habit of completely ghosting the people I call my friends for months at a time. Maybe it’s a holdover from my childhood. In school, I would try to win the affection of those who never cared much for me at all. I was seen as an inoffensive goofball at best and a punching bag at worst. Anyway, after becoming aware of that, I would lament over the friends I couldn’t have and push away the few I already did. It was so shitty of me. I know that.

And all these years later, I realized that I still have this habit of slipping away from the people I’m supposed to love. But it’s not out of hatred or contempt. Sometimes it’s a fear of intimacy and commitment. Other times it’s because I can be sort of moody and I don’t want to subject them to my randomish bouts of sadness or frustration. Sometimes it just… kind of happens? And it hurts them, and it hurts me too, just not as much. I don’t even bother making new friends anymore because I don’t want to put them through that shit. Besides, I gotta focus on keeping the friends I already have. And romance is out of the question.

Remember those two friends I said I was moving in with? Just yesterday I told them I’d rather live on my own. They completely understood and respected my wants, but I could tell one was especially hurt. I knew him since 7th grade. He told me to try to not isolate myself. He’s onto me, guys. He knows I’m trying to pull that distancing shit on him again. I want to prove him wrong. I want to make myself care.

To put sprinkles on the shit sundae, it bugs me (the severity depends on the person doing it) when people abandon me. It’s like I’m the only one who can do it. That’s some narcissistic shit, isn’t it?

This isn’t my “love language” or simple introversion. It’s a part of me that I need to repair. Or at least repress. I want to have a family, for fuck’s sake. And spoiler alert: dudes with attachment issues typically don’t make the best fathers.

I’ve been thinking about just doing more good deeds for friends and strangers alike. We’re creatures of habit, so maybe making a conscious effort to be more caring will change me over time. Any ideas? Thanks for reading the ramblings of a madman.