So, we’ve been dating for almost two years this month, and we have been living together for 1 and a half. everything has been great honestly, we don’t really argue a lot, but we’re both sensitive people and we can take some stuff the wrong way sometimes.
Usually when he gets upset at me I try to explain myself and apologize to him so we’re on good terms, nothing really explosive.
The main issue I have is that when I’m the one who gets upset at something he did, even if it’s really small, it blows out of proportion really quick.
My bf will get really offended and will keep explaining to me why he isn’t at fault for anything, and I am the one to blame, often talking over me and also not taking my feelings seriously ( this happens every single time, doesn’t matter what the discussion is about) I’m really bad at confrontation and opening up about my feelings, I cry easily when we have this discussions and I often forget details, I cry because I don’t feel understood and I feel he’s just trying to drift the blame to me no matter what, I just feel like a little kid.
Yesterday we had one of those and I ended up apologizing to him for taking something did the wrong way. For context: he did something in good intention but it bothered me, he was being really dry all day so I was sensitive already, and he got angry with me because I took it the wrong way.
What pains me the most is that he doesn’t understand that even if his intentions are good, you can still harm the other person, and you should apologize and try to understand the other person because you care about them.( I think?)
Am I in the wrong for thinking he should apologize for hurting my feelings even if he doesn’t really agree he’s at fault? I really feel like shit everytime we talk things out, I end up feeling really small and stupid, like I don’t matter, even if he tells me otherwise.
Sorry for my English!
TL;DR! Everytime my bf and I have an argument because of something he did, things end up turning up against me and I end up crying and apologizing.
4 comments
Ah yes, “DARVO”.
>DARVO (an acronym for “deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender”) is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. An abuser denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the person that was abused (often the victim) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing what may be a reality of victim and offender. It often involves not just “playing the victim” but also victim blaming.
I’d rethink whether you really want to be in this relationship.
You can’t control him, but to break this dynamic the first thing you need to do is stop grovelling when you’re legitimately upset with him. Stop allowing him to play your feelings to his tune. Stop the fight. And walk away from it if is is happening on terms you find unacceptable.
“I have a legitimate issue here that deserves to be taken seriously by my partner. If you’re talking over me, debating me and diminishing me, then this isn’t a productive conversation for either of us. When you’re ready to have a conversation with me, and listen to me as if I’m someone who you care for and take seriously, we can revisit the issue”
I think people get far too hung up on ‘who owes who an apology’. The real issue here is that he isn’t capable of having a disagreement without turning you in the villain who has attacked him personally. That is the dynamic that needs to end. He needs realize you are entitled to feel upset with him at times, and his job is to *hear you* first, not defend himself and immediately get to work making you the bad guy.
Please look up DARVO
Ah yes, another day another “my boyfriend is amazing and our relationship is perfect except any time I am not a mute sex doll/maid combo he is awful to me” post.
Want better for yourself.