So I’ve been single for about a year now. I haven’t been actively dating but I have talked to people here and there for the last six months. All of them have wanted to switch methods of communication shortly after the initial exchange for reasons unknown. So far, the communication has ended shortly after the exchange of contact info most frequently due to a lack of interest after the date(s). What could be the reason for wanting to talk elsewhere when the chats from the dating apps work just fine? How do I approach saying I’d prefer to not change methods of communication without it coming off as me not being interested?
34 comments
Scammers want you to change and when you don’t they move on to the next victim
Shows investment/interest. Many women are going to have dozens of conversations going simultaneously on apps, so moving to another medium of communication is a way to break free from the herd.
A phone number is more reliable than risk depending on an app that can be ‘down for maintenance’ at any time.
I hate being on the dating apps. Don’t you get bored and irritated by all the notifications? Texting is way easier and less aggravating.
I’m with you and prefer to just keep it in the dating app until after we’ve met. Unless we met on Tinder and can’t send photos, there’s literally zero benefit to me to move off app. Now I have to check 3 dating apps *and* my regular texts all for the same purpose of *maybe* getting a date.
My phone number also gives out my last name, my address, and my place of employment among other things. Unless we’ve been on a date and plan for more, that’s not information I’m comfortable sharing.
I have a Google Voice number and I’ll give that out occasionally if I like the person, think they’ll ask me out soon, and for whatever reason think they’ll lose interest if I *don’t* agree to this pointless “let’s get off the app” step. But most of the time I just tell people I’ll share my number after a date.
I just started saying I prefer to communicate in the app for safety (had a guy get my last name once he had my number and he mentioned my name without me saying it and it really creeped me out) anyways I also have a Google phone number now, it’s free, a phone number, but they can’t search my personal info from it. So a way to move “off the app” when I’ve said no to moving convo off apo guys usually get it when I say it’s safety related and if they don’t then I’m probably not interested in them having my info if they aren’t empathetic to that.
Agree with others, it’s a way to show interest and not have convos die on the app but also it’s annoying having a bunch of random numbers saved in my phone from first dates that didn’t go anywhere
For me there’s 2 reasons
1 – it shows me she’s really interested in me and I’m not just something to do to pass time or inflate her ego
2 – I don’t want to pull out my phone in public and be seen using dating apps. I feel like I look lame and desperate being seen doing that.
These are just my own personal reasons.
Edit: a third reason is people tend to reply quicker to text messages than they do to messages on any apps, not just dating apps
Some people have probably convinced themselves that by moving your conversation away from the dating app that it means you’ll be less distracted by the other people on the app. Which is of course not even remotely true.
As far as how to avoid wasting your time moving off app before meeting up (and giving random people your phone number), just tell them you’d rather stick to the app until after the first date. If they object then it’s a them-problem not a you-problem.
to make sure a woman is not a bot
Also my tinder notifications weee notorious for not coming through and people would think I was ghosting and stuff. It’s just easier to switch to contact info
>How do I approach saying I’d prefer to not change methods of communication without it coming off as me not being interested?
Say “I’d prefer to not hand out my contact details just yet”
>What could be the reason for wanting to talk elsewhere
Less competition for your attention. Less likely that you have notifications turned off.
One reason, they have notifications turned off on those apps but not on their message app so want better communication between you and them. Or, it’s a bit of a test to see if you’re trusting enough to give some of your personal info (your number) to indicate how serious you are or to give that bit of ego boost with a “closer” contact.
My suggestion, get yourself a Google voice number in your area, install the app, and give that number out when asked. You’ll be able to text though that number just fine. You’re still giving them a number, just not your actual number.
The majority of people are going to see it as a lack of interest no matter what. I stopped using OLD apps years ago specifically because they create an awful environment for dating, but exchanging snaps, instas, or numbers isn’t an issue for the massive population of people who also don’t use OLD.
Because that gets them off the app and thus a higher chance they don’t get lost in the messages. I don’t ask straight away and if they refuse I’m respectful and we keep chatting on the app.
I’ve talked to dozens of people where the “message gets lost” amongst the others they receive.
I am a woman and I still do that lol. I am not on dating apps but from time to time I start talking with people on other social media and if I really like the talks with them I prefer a simple messenger. I disabled notifications from other apps because I really don’t want to get them from several apps for every shit, and you can not decide for what kind of news you get them. I am not interested into them for anything else than private messages. If I were on a dating app I surely wouldn’t want notifications for messages from people I never talked to before. And even though I don’t always check immediately at least I know someone I like talking to has sent me a message. I don’t want to check several apps for new messages as well. I am not all the time on my social media and I don’t want to. I want to browse through my social media, close them when I am done, that’s it, and I want to talk in messenger apps, and to know beforehand a message is waiting for me. And last but not least in my experience other apps actually don’t work as well. Messengers have a nicer overview, formatting and are just more comfortable to chat by – I mean their whole purpose is chatting, of course they are normally more comfortable than apps that just have the feature included.
I use only two messengers, simple ones, though, because like I said, I don’t like several apps at once. I have no problem if someone says they don’t use them but then they don’t need to expect many real time talks with me but more likely short e-mails style since, like I said, I don’t like to hang around in apps.
Edit: grammar
I’m not a man but I keep all my dating app notifications off as they can get super overwhelming for me so I switch to text so we can continue talking/I don’t miss a message. It’s easier for me, and if we stop communicating it’s easy enough to delete/block the number 🤷♀️
That’s just me but I can’t be the only person who does this.
I won’t meet up with anyone whose surname I don’t know. Most guys are OK with giving their full name if they are really interested in you.
Most dating apps that i’ve used have inferior messaging capabilities compared to platforms like snapchat and facebook messenger. ie: sending photos, videos, gifs, voice recordings, message reactions, etc. The photo feature is paramount for sorting out the catfish.
I often ask for a girls instagram so I can be sure I’m not being catfished
Personally (25m), I prefer to wait until after the first date to exchange numbers (unless the lady pitches the idea first), and I never ask for a snap (actually got rid of mine). It may seem slower than most, but I tried thinking about it from my dates’ perspectives. Waiting until after the first date means that A. some random guy she’s never even met doesn’t have her number and B. exchanging numbers at the end of the first date becomes a concrete way of saying “hey, I enjoyed this, let’s do it again soon.”
This is why you shouldn’t agree to these absolutes if you know there’s a chance you may be tempted and you don’t think it’s a big deal. Now go have your word and you broke it, and she’s reasonably unsure whether she can trust your word.
If you had said some a bit more qualified, like: “I used to use porn in the past. I think I can do without it and reduce most of my use, but if circumstances change or we can’t have sex as often, I may want to relieve myself using porn and we may need to talk about this again.” Or even something that implied that you could reduce most of your porn use but not all. Essentially finding a middle ground. That would have been more reasonable for both of you and you would be in this situation where you’ve betrayed her trust.
Not a man, but for me I asked to switch because the dating app didn’t give me notifications that I had a message, whereas snapchat did
Yes! I’m a man and I always do this. It’s mostly because 1 I don’t know what to say, so it’s like a way to conversation.
And 2 because it makes it less like 2 people who are just testing the waters and more sort of serious.
It moves it towards a more serious direction. When you’re on the app, you’re just a match. When you move away from it, you’re actually saying that you want to give a relationship a shot.
Shows that you’re invested and not a bot lol
Because it’s easy for a catfish, or scammer to keep up appearances on a dating app. And for some busy people, the dating apps are not a good tool for a high quality conversation. Personally, if you aren’t ready to have a phone call inside a week or two, I’m moving on. People can hide behind text. They can hide their real personalities, their insecurities, or other anxieties. No thanks!
A lot of them are scammers. They want to get you away from the site, and they dont want their scam in writing on the site. Just tell them you aren’t comfortable with that yet. If they are real, they should be ok with it. Also, watch out for guys who start calling you, “Darling, Honey, Beautiful, Dear, etc.” right off the bat. Yep. I speak from experience.
Another consideration, they will steer you away from the dating site if they are scammers or have any other shady/nefarious motives.
A lot of the other sites aren’t “policed’, so they are more likely to request nudes, ask for money, send unsolicited pics etc. Once you are off the dating site, you can’t report their profile to the site.
First: there are bots that are collecting phone numbers.
Secondly: a lot of people are trying to avoid bots by switching to a medium that is harder to fake. Such as a phone, or a way to video chat. I’d suggest now that tinder has the video message options that you engage in that first before switching to exchanging more information.
To show that she knows how to use her phone.
People liken moving off the apps to another app as a situation progressing. If you like to keep it on the app for now, that’s ok. Let your matches know and give your reasoning. If they’re not down with it, oh well. On to the next.
A tip I can give you on OLD is never be afraid to say no to something you’re not into in fear of the man taking it as non interest.
It works. I dont check my dating apps very much and a lot of times I have a ton of conversations going on. If he has my number then it’s more likely to actually go somewhere
Sometimes the apps are glitchy and don’t notify you in real time. And if they want to switch to phone this is a good sign so keep doing what you’re doing!
Who the hell wants to keep talking on Hinge? If you’re serious about the guy, it should advance beyond a dating app.