I’m a little in shock at how many comments my post got. I couldn’t read all of them because there was so much, but to all the people who said kind words, thank you. I wanted to edit the post to give an update but it was deleted, so I’ll just write a post here as a response.
Again, thank you to everyone who was kind. It’s really helped me wrap my brain around the fact that she really did abuse me, and the extent of which I can’t even begin to understand. Years together, and she manipulated me and coerced me, and had raped me… it doesn’t feel real, and I feel sick, and I can’t handle it. I really need therapy.
As for her, I had not seen or spoken to her since making the post. I packed my bags and left, making my way to my sister’s and brother in laws. They don’t know she’s pregnant, and I don’t know if I’ll tell them, but they’ve been keeping me safe and taking care of me, so for now I’m safe.
The only contact I’ve had with her was a brief text telling her it was over. She’s tried to call me plenty of times and getting our mutuals to get to me. I’m going to get a new number and phone so none of them can contact me. It’s over, I have to move on.
I’m not going to try and coerce or force her to get an abortion, that seems as evil as her coercing and forcing me to get her pregnant. I feel really bad for the kid when it’s born, I don’t even know if I want to be in their life or co-parent with her, I really, really, really don’t know what to do, but I at least have eight months to figure that out.
I know people are telling me to talk to the cops, and talk to a lawyer but I can’t. I doubt they’ll believe me and there are absolutely no laws to protect me where I live. I’m in no way emotionally capable to talk or think about her or what she did to me. I just want to stay with my sister and brother in law and try to move on and make a new life for myself. I have time to figure things out, and for now, I just need space to heal and process these past few years and the fact that she was abusing me the entire time.
I trusted her so much because she was like me. We both came from abusive homes, and had rough childhoods… she told me she wanted to be pregnant to be able to have a new life and family… I don’t know what to make of that. I don’t know what to think of her, other than hate her.
For now I’m safe, and I’m self employed so I can stay with my sister and take care of myself. For now I’m saving up for a new phone, and to look for a therapist. When I’m ready I might pursue legal action. But I don’t want to. I want to move on. I want to start my life over without her.
I’m really sorry for the kid, I wish I could have been a father with a woman who wasn’t her and who didn’t rape me. I don’t know if I could ever love you, I hope when you’re an adult you’ll understand.
Thank you for everyone’s support. I’m safe, I think I’ll be okay.
33 comments
Sorry this happened to you, OP and glad you’re safe. You took the right decision.
If you ever find the force in you, try not to resent the child because they didn’t ask for any of this.
Best of luck.
For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for having the courage to leave, and that you recognize that it is ok to seek and accept help from others. And with that, I say good night to reddit, and you. I have yard work to do when I wake up!
I’m glad you got out of that relationship and you’re in a safe space now. I agree that you need time to cool down and lay low for a while.
Are you planning to leave your mutual friends? If you are, I would suggest to give a proper explanation. To me, it would just seem like you left your ex who’s currently pregnant with your baby. It might complicate things for you in the future.
Before you made any decision, I strongly urge you to talk to people that you trust and lawyers. Get all the information you could possibly can and make an informed decision.
I wish you nothing but the best.
Gosh, I’m so sorry.
I really recommend talking to your sister and brother-in-law about this (so long as you trust them), just so you have someone who can help you go through your options with a clearer mind and offer support. If you can’t stomach to verbally tell them, show them your post, and go from there.
I do believe you should set the record straight with your friends. I know you want to stay out of it and move on, but at the moment, your ex is controlling the narrative and, unfortunately, it might hinder you later on.
I’m so glad you’re planning on seeking therapy and taking some positive steps. Please, further consider speaking to a lawyer to discuss your options and potential issues. If you can’t afford one, there might be resources available in your area that are worth looking into.
I really, really hope you find some support so you’re not battling this alone, OP.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you for the update. I’m glad you’re safe and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I wish all the best for you and your new life. I’m so glad your sister and BIL are keeping you safe.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, but there’s only one sure fire way not to get pregnant. Do not have sex with somebody. You were old enough to know this. Condoms failed birth control pills fail. And in this case girlfriends fail. I’m so sorry you’re going through. This sound even know what to say. Just take care of yourself.
One other thing, the kid is your kid to. Someday that child is want to know who their father is who their biological father is. Don’t be a jerk at that time. It’s not their fault.
Bro you’re 24, don’t love this girl, are not going to be with her, and don’t want a kid right now. Telling her you have 0 interest in having a kid and that you will have nothing to do with it beyond the required minimum of paying child support isn’t coercion or forcing her to do anything. It’s acknowledging a very likely reality that will hopefully provide her with the perspective she needs to not have the kid she raped out of you.
Think about it, what’s worse, the kid not being born or the kid being born to a father that isn’t prepared for it, that was lied to for it to be created, and to a mother that will pull the shit she pulled on you.
She needs a reality check and i hate to say it, i think you will come to regret not giving her one. Do not let her either steal your future from you, give this kid a shitty life, or both without you doing every reasonable thing in your control to stop it.
fuck man, you’re in a rough situation. but you seem mature, and strong. you’ll be okay…focus on taking care of yourself for now. best wishes
I’m glad you’re out of there and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I am concerned that you putting off telling your friends and consulting a lawyer/making a police report will be a mistake you regret later on. You are letting your ex set the narrative and it will be *extremely* difficult to reverse her lies and clear your name if you ghost everyone. She will be the pregnant victim and you’ll be the irresponsible asshole who abandoned her. (Don’t think she won’t do that to you, btw. She’s already proven she has no moral backbone.) If you ultimately decide you don’t want to be in the child’s life (and therefore hers as well,) you likely need to have something regarding the situation on the legal record to establish you were reproductively raped ASAP. You need to consult a lawyer asap
I know you’re in a terrible state of pain and confusion, but you don’t actually have 8 months to sort it out and sticking your head in the sand for a bit will likely limit your options and happy outcomes. Lean on your family for support, but don’t procrastinate your future away.
I wish you the best of luck!
I’m so glad you’re safe now. It takes a long time to recover from an abusive relationship. Take the time you need.
I’d recommend that you try to write down your thoughts and try to find a way to communicate parts of what happened to you to other people.
I know from my own experience that people try to be “helpful” by trying to reconnect people with their abusers. Thinking they’re helping bringing people back together after a “misunderstanding”.
All the best
I’m going to be downloaded to hell and I don’t care. Abandoning your kid makes you every bit of a piece of garbage as your piece of garbage girlfriend who got pregnant on purpose. And guess what On purpose or not pregnancy is always a possibility when you are sleeping with someone. I don’t want to know why dudes act all shocked when they fuck somebody and then they wind up pregnant.
I suggest you tell your sis and brother-in-law about what happened. There is no reason to keep it a secret from them. You’re in a dark place and you need their emotional support. They may be able to point you to a good lawyer and maybe help with the fees.
I know you’re out and you want to close the door on that part of your life, but depending on where you live, that isn’t possible.
– do you live in a country that will force you to pay child support?
Yes – lawyer and police. You didn’t ask for this, she did this without your knowledge and you will have to pay for her actions for the rest of your life.
No – She sounds very unstable. There is no knowing what will will try and do to you before and after the baby is born. If you don’t tell your sister and brother in-law she could try and use the baby to get close to your family and in turn, get close to you. She could use this (pregnancy and baby) as revenge to get back at you for leaving her. Either way, you need to at least tell your sister so you have someone who can advice you and help you through this. The fact you don’t want to tell her speaks to your maturity. I don’t think you’re mature enough to handle this on your own.that isn’t a bad thing, your ex has abused you for yours and this has a huge impact on you. Now it’s time to let your family help, guide, support, and advice you in this.
– Do you want her and baby in your life
No – lawyer and police. You need to try and find texts/pictures/ people to support what you claim so you can work towards getting a restraining order of some kind. If there is a baby in the picture you’re stuck with her trying to come into your life unless you can get enough evidence of her actions. If she is as unstable as you say, she isn’t fit to be a mum and it’s best the right people are alerted to her actions. Abuse has a tendency to repeat itself unless someone breaks that cycle, the fact she hasn’t means the baby is at risk of growing up in an abusive home.
You also need to think about, what if the child contacts you when they’re older? If they are told their dad didn’t want them that does something to their mental health. I’m sorry, but you’re not the only one here that needs protecting from her. She isn’t fit to be a parent and you need to speak up.
Pressuring her to get an abortion would be the opposite of evil. Evil would be bringing a baby in to this world in this situation.
You have lots of time to think about this – and perhaps it will all be moot if she gets an abortion, but if she keeps the baby, you may find that you want to have a relationship with the child and that’s ok. I would urge you to do so. The child is innocent and will be your child (do get a paternity test). Is your girlfriend a terrible person? Yes, but that is a separate issue. Good luck.
Just FYI, you shouldn’t need a new phone to change your number. I think you just need a new sim card. Talk to your cell carrier before you go to the expense of a new phone.
Hey, you may want to see if 1in6.org might be able to help with finding a therapist. What your ex did is a huge violation of trust and a flavor of assault. I’m really glad you’re safe with your sister. Cups of mint tea. And if you need to spend extra time bringing TV/playing video games/reading, go for it. Be kind to yourself.
Hey OP, if you don’t want to be a father, you absolutely don’t have to. You can give away your rights so this person can also not coerce you to pay child support with a child you didn’t want and they forced you to have in the future.
Original: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10v41me/i_24_m_discovered_my_girlfriend_23f_purposefully/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10v41me/i_24_m_discovered_my_girlfriend_23f_purposefully/)
It’s removed but the mod-bot comment is at the top.
Dude, you need to talk to a lawyer. It’s ok if you don’t want to press charges, but you need to figure out the legalities of the situation before she does.
You might want to talk away, but I guarantee you that she’s not going to make it that easy.
You are going to be on the hook for this kid. You should reconsider asking for abortion. Pay for it.
Keep taking care of yourself.
As many have said you are very much at the disadvantage here.
Please, please no keeping quiet is only giving her more power to harm you.
She’s manipulated you into having a child and I am very confident in her version she’s vocalising loudly that you’ve done the deed and left her with the baby.
Most people will sadly take that as the reality of your situation.
(I’m female by the way and know woman can be equally ans mean/vicious/crule/manipulative as men sadly its easier for them to also play the victim)
When asked why state your side she lied she came of birth control when I said not to. If/when baby is born make clear you Will want a test to confirm you are the dad.
If you have any physical evidence of the what’s she’s done keep it safe. If you’ve not done it all ready I would get some legal advice for where you live to see what potentially might happen, as much as you want to hide away and forget it would be the worse thing for yourself.
Contact legal aid and get a free consultation. You might not be liable for child support since she admitted to tampering with the condoms to intentionally get pregnant. Criminal coercion is different in every area, but you might not be forced to pay child support for 18 years because of what she did. Good luck.
Prepare yourself for the child support lawsuit. I don’t know where you live, but there are places where being the biological father is all that’s required.
Since she lied let her enjoy single parenthood shit 🤷🏽♀️
Damn this is like the third baby trap story I’ve heard this week. What’s going on. Guess people are realising no one would want to put a baby in them voluntarily and are taking shit into their own hands. In any case I’m sorry to hear that happened to you, then again I feel like you can tell if you’re going out with someone who would pop condoms.
Birth control or not. Don’t nut in a woman if you’re not ready for a child? It’s not rocket science
You don’t need a new phone just call your service provider and get your number changed
Look I know you’re the victim here but it’s not going to be hard for her to make it look like she’s the victim. You’re not going to be able to just move on. Here’s what happened, she told you she was pregnant and you immediately left her and broke up via text. She will not have to go into any details with most people to get them to take her side based on those facts alone. She will do everything she can to ruin you. You have to talk to a lawyer and tell your sister and bil like yesterday.
Also I don’t know where you are but in some places she can just put your name on the birth certificate and you will automatically be responsible for that kid. You will most likely have to pay child support especially if you don’t contact a lawyer soon. I know you just want to move on out that really isn’t possible right now.
See, this is why you cannot trust women.
Talk to a family lawyer asap. Divorce lawyers are family lawyers, and they typically give free consultations. They will give you a quick overview of your options.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you can simply walk away from the situation. Despite the fact that you were cruelly violated, you won’t be able to escape the fact that you may end up with a child. In many states, you will not be able to terminate your parental rights unless someone else is willing to adopt your child. What that means is you will be on the hook for child support if you decide to give up custody. Your state will be more concerned about the wellbeing of your child than yours. A lawyer will be able to answer your questions.
In the meantime, tell your sister, bil, and your mutual friends what happened. Your ex will fill them in with bs if you don’t, and you need all the support you can get.