I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (27) for about 6 years now and we live together. It’s not always been perfect. To put it mildly we’re not great at communicating though sometimes we have a break through in understanding each other. For the past few months though things have been rocky. I don’t have the best mental health and neither does he but we always accepted each other. When he doesn’t feel great I give him space to come to me when he’s ready. When I don’t feel great he immediately gets defensive with me and makes me feel bad for neglecting him. He gets very moody and just generally has an attitude towards me and I’ve honestly gotten so tired of it.
So today things hit the fan, when he came home from work he was irritated, which I understand he must’ve had a bad day. We needed things for dinner and he didn’t know what he wanted to eat so we drove to the grocery store and I told him to grab whatever he wanted and I would cook for him, since I didn’t feel like going inside the store. This set him off. He slammed the car door went inside the store for no more than 5 minutes and came back with a bag of bread and lunch meat. He storms out of the parking lot driving recklessly. He knows I have anxiety on the road given we’ve been in an accident before. I ask him to not drive like a maniac and he yells at me to just never get in the car with him again if I don’t like how he drives. He blows through a stop sign and drives 65 in a 45 with heavy traffic. I yell his name telling him the traffic is stopped and he’s still not slowing down. He yells at me to just leave him alone.
It was honestly one of the scariest moments of my life. He’s never done anything like this before. Since being home I’ve stayed out of his way and we just haven’t spoken. I honestly don’t know if I can forgive him for this. Or if I can even be in a car with him if he’s driving. I’m very hurt right now and I feel so stuck as most of my family and friends live out of state and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I assume this silent treatment will go on for some time. It’s not the first time he’s completely shut me out and didn’t speak to me for days. I honestly don’t know if I even want to speak to him. I just want to stay balled up and cry it out. Has anyone gone through this or have any advice?
TL;DR: Boyfriend was in a bad mood with me, drove recklessly scaring the hell out of me and is now giving me the silent treatment
13 comments
Immature predator…..girl what is u doin
None of these behaviors are acceptable and because you have accepted them in the past, he believes that he can continue acting this way and worse and you will just continue staying there with him.
I think it would be good for you to go live someplace else for a while until he apologizes, tells you that he will get help for his issues, and actually begins the steps of doing so. FYI: “trying harder” is NOT a step.
I know that you don’t want to hear these things right now, but his mental health is just getting worse and I don’t see him taking any actual steps about it. I think that his mental health is making your mental health much worse at this place and his behavior today was absolutely unexcusable.
There are so many ways that this entire thing could have been averted but he went right on through with the most dangerous things possible.
The truth is, life is not a Disney movie, and sometimes love is not enough. This isn’t okay. Things can’t go on like this. He needs to change.
I understand that you have some mental health issues too, and this would be a good break for you to work on those issues with your therapist during the break.
You deserve to be treated better than that.
Your boyfriend just completely disregarded your safety and well-being. That’s completely unacceptable. You don’t deserve to be treated like that, especially by someone who’s supposed to love and care for you. It’s not okay that he’s driving recklessly and endangering your life like that. And now he’s giving you the silent treatment? That’s just cruel. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions and he’s not even trying to make it right. That’s a huge red flag.
You don’t have to forgive him for this. You don’t have to put up with this kind of behavior. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and kindness. Someone who puts your safety and well-being above all else. You don’t have to stay with someone who makes you feel scared and disrespected. That’s not love, that’s not a healthy relationship.
You’re not stuck. You have options. You can reach out to a support group, a friend, or a professional for help. You don’t have to go through this alone. You’re strong and brave and you deserve to be in a loving and safe relationship. Don’t let anyone treat you any less. You deserve better and you will find better. Don’t settle for anything less. You’re amazing, don’t forget that.
The advice I have for you is to leave him and end this. This is not a good relationship and probably hasn’t been for awhile. You said he sometimes goes days without speaking to you! That’s BS! Why are you putting up with this abusive behavior. You moved there with him apparently? You been with him six years that is since a teenager. Move on with your life and give yourself a chance to find a better partner. Pack up and go home. Leave him.
Your boyfriend showed you that he doesn’t respect you or care about your comfort/happiness.
I am not someone to say run at a post I see on Reddit, but this is going to get worse. If he is unwilling to get counseling, including anger management, this will happen again. Especially now that he knows the reaction he will get out of you. You need to consider what your future will look like with this person if he doesn’t change and if that’s what you want for your life.
We all have bad days and lash out at those we are most safe with, but that’s not what he did. He disregarded your existence for his gain and emotionally abused you in this situation.
I’m sorry this is something you’re dealing with, and I hope you can come to an outcome that prioritizes your mental well-being and happiness.
It may not be an easy process depending on your situation, but this relationship is over – you’ll look back from the future and be so grateful you got out. Being alone is so much better than being treated like this. Reach out to someone you trust and get help moving out if you have to.
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> Has anyone gone through this
I did, with a family member. He was angry, and drove in a deliberately dangerous way to scare me. I remember screaming as the car swerved at high speed, begging for him to slow down and he didn’t. When he got to our destination, he pretended nothing was wrong whilst I cried hysterically in the back room for an hour. This happened 15+ years ago, and I still remember it, how terrified I was – I was scared we might crash, but I was more scared that someone who was meant to love me and care for me would *deliberately* make me fear for my life. I never forgave him for it, even now.
Don’t look at your relationship as a journey to the inevitable destination of Happily Ever After. *This* is your relationship:
> It’s not always been perfect.To put it mildly we’re not great at communicating
> When I don’t feel great he immediately gets defensive with me and makes me feel bad for neglecting him. He gets very moody and just generally has an attitude towards me
> I assume this silent treatment will go on for some time. It’s not the first time he’s completely shut me out and didn’t speak to me for days
Do you think that maybe your mental health would be better if you *weren’t* trapped in a live-in relationship with an emotional terrorist? Maybe the issue isn’t “*we* don’t communicate well” but “he doesn’t try to communicate well with me so no matter how much I try to give him space, empathise with his feelings or recognise what he wants, he treats me like shit and then makes me feel like I’m to blame for it.”
Because honestly, you’ve described an abusive relationship. And it’s not going to get better. Kind, loving people don’t behave the way your boyfriend has behaved.
Do you have anyone in your life who can support you in getting out of this relationship?
Leave. This sounds like my dad and my mom didn’t see red flags until after marrying him. My teenage years were a nightmare as he was emotionally abusive to us kids and my mom. He constantly threatened divorce and behavior ranged from outright screaming and physical intimidation to extreme gaslighting and mind games. Other times he was totally pleasant. It was extremely traumatic. He still has the same behavior. While they ultimately stayed together, I don’t think they should have. He still has the same behaviors. Therapy is not effective for him.
My dad showed this exact same behavior all throughout my life even when I was alone with him in the car as a CHILD.
Worst case, your boyfriend’s behavior will escalate to physical. Even if it doesn’t, this is emotional abuse. Do not underestimate the damage this will do. You do NOT deserve it. Especially if you’re thinking of ever having kids.
I rarely respond on Reddit and I’d rarely give such flat out advice. Just find a safe way to leave and do it. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and I’m glad you’re seeing this now rather than later.
This is unacceptable.
One of my favorite things about my ex was that I felt SAFE with him. Always. No matter what was happening. Even if we were not talking, or he was in a bad mood about something, I still knew he would look out for me and make sure nothing bad happened.
It sounds like you don’t have the ability to have that feeling with your bf. I dated one guy for a short period of time who turned out to be a wreckless driver….that is one of the reasons I didn’t date him for very long.
He risked your life, your family could be identifying your body right now. It’s done, he’s terrifying and you’re not safe with him. Please get what you need, have at least one person you trust with you and pack up, don’t ever trust him, never get in a car with him. Ask your parents if they can drive and pick you up and get you out of there.
this is just the beginning if you accept this behaviour, trust me.