Hi. I came to this sub to get some Input, especially females. (Its xposted cause I want Input). I (35) was having Sex with my SO (31) Yesterday and i noticed Afterwards while we talked a bit, that it was somewhat “duty” for her. We didnt had Sex in Like 14 days before and i first tought she was into it – mostly because of the dry spell, but she was not.
Some Background: We talked about our missmatching libidos outside of the bedroom a couple Weeks ago. We mostly agreed that we both need to find a middle Ground and the reasoning for her low Libido was (according to her) that she does not want to be pressured into Sex and she does not want to think “oh its been 4 days, time to do it to make him Feel connected” again.
I explained to her that its not just Sex im Missing, its everything around it. Desire, sexting , dirty Talk, being adventurous etc etc.. i want to feel like a man , wanted and lusted after (Not really a Special need i suppose).
I agreed, i dont want duty Sex, i want Sex we both want and enjoy, even if its not the Frequency i would have If i had to Chose (probably 4-5 Times a week).
So i calmed down and did not try to initiate that often, wasnt overly sexual or anything. I was trying to be a good Partner. Cuddling, talking, enjoying Dinner, make Sure she felt Safe etc. (I do these things anyways, but usually cuddling and Kissing leads to me getting somewhat aroused, so i stopped that, or at least i was trying). I was under the Impressionen it Takes away the pressure or anxiety. I dont think it did.
So we talked a bit in the bedroom today and i pretty much Said that i think its still a me-problem. My reasoning was, with her past fwb or Partner, she was more Open or “hornier”. There was morning Sex (i tought that was completely Off the Table), anal, sexting etc. Etc. – i know all these Things because we are pretty Open when it comes to Things Like this. I usually dont have a problem with things in the past, it does Form us to our pesent self. But i cant deny some retroactive jeolousy is creeping up on me and i am trying to figuring out what made the difference – so i can adapt and give her what she needs.
Her reply was basically that she is just not horny most of the time. She loves me and gets her satisfaction from cuddling and being near me. We stopped discussing because its late and WE need to sleep and agreed to talk about it tomorrow.
Am i being unreasonable to think its a me Problem because men in the past managed to make her want those things? She says she loves me and want a Future with me, but Sex is just not a priority. It is obviously for me. So how can i communicate this in a way she does not Feel offended? I know there is nothing wrong with her. I want her to open up about it so i can understand her better because i really wanna make this Relationship Work. I Love her and everything Else is almost perfect.
English is not my first language , please excuse the Bad grammar.
If this is Not the right Sub please guide me.
2 comments
There’s nothing less sexy than feeling like sex is the snooze button on your partner’s crankiness. There’s no way to win. If she follows her own libido and doesn’t have sex because she’s not horny at the moment, you’ll start being unpleasant because you don’t feel connected. If she has sex because you want it, then you’ll get mad that she had duty sex. You want her to do it *and* to feel a certain way about it, and it might not be possible to get that combo at the frequency you want.
Don’t overthink her past partners. Incels are going to show up to tell you crap about Chad and betas. Ignore it. There are a variety of reasons someone might have a different sex life with you than with someone from the past, including hormonal or medication changes, trying some acts and realizing she simply doesn’t like them, the exes being pressuring jerks and her agreeing to things she didn’t want, or even her exaggerating her experience in the early days to sound cool. It’s not necessarily about you as a person.
[removed]