I’ve (22F) been in a relationship with Mark (27M) for around three months. We were friends for a few years before dating each other (we also had on-and-off sexual encounters over the years as well). Mark is into domination, I am into pain, so of course our sexual chemistry is off the charts, and chalk that in with the fact we know each other extremely well, it really helps.
I stayed over at his place for the weekend and he whipped me, which isn’t normally our go-to, but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I am into feeling the after-effects of the whipping as well because it doesn’t just last when I’m being hit but afterwards there’s a certain feeling I get when I’m the only person knowing what’s under my clothes.
Anyways, I got home yesterday morning, and while I was changing, my mother walked in and saw my back, she had an extreme reaction, a moment of absolute horror, and for me, I was embarrassed she saw that, but she also didn’t knock. Now I am stuck not knowing how to proceed, because every single time I walk by her she looks like she’s got a multitude of questions running through her mind.
Has anyone had to explain something like this to their parents? Should I just leave it and allow time to pass and pretend as if nothing happened??
29 comments
Depending on how the marks look, you might be able to pass it off as scratch marks (which would be at least a little more vanilla-ish).
You don’t have to explain what you’re into, but you should at least tell her that you’re safe and everything was consensual.
Woo, this is an interesting one. I would say that you have no obligation to explain your sexual preferences to your mother. On the other side of things, there is a lot of the world that isn’t familiar with sado/masochistic sex and that it’s consensual. I’d probably want to reassure her that you are completely fine but don’t want to talk about it.
There are two roads you could go down, depending on your comfort level. You could ignore it and hope it passes, or you could tell her that everything is okay, nothing bad is happening, and if she has questions or concerns beyond that, she can ask.
So, I’m a mom.
I’d just be worried about your safety. I don’t need or want details, just a simple “Hey mom, I’m safe, what you saw was consensual” should suffice.
Do you owe her an explanation? No. But just because you don’t owe it to her doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea. We worry about our kids, always. You becoming an adult doesn’t suddenly turn that off.
And as someone who was your age once – I definitely had some awkward moments with my parents over the years where I had to explain “no, really, those bruises are not from abuse ….” Lol.
I’m a dad and while internally I would want to kick someone’s ass I would let you live your life as long as long as you were safe. I’d probably ask vague questions just to make sure after that you would be ok. Mostly what happens behind closed doors I wouldn’t want details. Especially from an adult child. If you were a teenager I’d feel much differently.
“Hey Mom, I couldn’t help but notice your look of horror when you barged in and saw the marks on my back. I’m happy to address any specific concerns or questions you may have, but I want to make sure you understand that everything I’m doing is consensual and enjoyable for me and that I would never tolerate deliberate abuse from anyone. K?”
I think you should be honest and upfront but sparing on the details. Your mom really only cares about your safety and you don’t want her jumping to the wrong conclusions.
Not a parent but my former SO’s doctor saw scratch marks I accidentally left on their back and the Dr asked many times if they were being abused.
Hmm……….that’s a very hard one to explain to mom(or dad). All you can do is be honest with her. Tell her what you’re doing is 100% consensual and in fact, partly your idea. Even if this one wasn’t your idea, it might be good to take this one on, for her sake. She’s your mom so she’ll worry about you and that’s okay. Who knows? Maybe she’ll remember some of the things SHE did in her younger days, and understand. 🙂
She’s your mom. She just wants to know you’re safe. I would somehow convince her I’m fine even if that means exposing myself.
I mean, pick one: you either have an awkward discussion with your mom about you being into consensual kinky shit or she assumes your bf is a monster.
Thems the breaks with bdsm. You need to get comfortable with being able to have a quick blunt conversation with family/friends/medical professionals if you’re doing stuff that leaves marks, or they’re going to legitimately be worried you’re in an abusive relationship.
Just be like “hey mom, I think you saw marks on my back from earlier, there’s nothing to worry about, things are consensual, we were just a little over enthusiastic haha” and then move on. You don’t need to give much detail.
And lock the damn door next time.
Just say, “you should see the marks i left on him”
If I was your dad id want a very good explanation, my number one job is to protect my daughter and she will always be my little girl regardless of age. I don’t think your kink is especially weird but I’d need to know your safe. Im hoping that as a parent im open and honest enough that she would just tell me the reason.
You maynot want to tell your mum because it is your businesses but what would you think if the boot was on the other foot? She’s probably extremely worried for you. Pretty complicated.
Offer to whip her in return
“Hey mom, I just want you to know that the marks you saw on my back are not from being harmed. Nobody is hurting or abusing me. I don’t want you to worry, I am perfectly happy and safe.’
Address it, because her mind is going to go to the worst place. But it doesn’t have to be detailed.
Okay, this is coming from a woman who is open with my family. You have to remember that your freakiness comes from somewhere. Don’t always think that your parents are judging you. My mother is a super undercover freak. She never opened up until my sister and I got married. She always shamed me because she was ashamed of herself. Just be open if you want or ignore it. This is your kink and you should not let your parents ruin it for you. My dad walked in on me, when I was your age, masturbating in front of my laptop. I thought I was going to die but sex and pleasure are normal. You can calm her mind by saying you’re safe. Vanilla parents may also think that you are self harming. They don’t understand masochism like we do.
If you pay rent, you guys need to set a boundary. Your mother should not even though you’re in her home. It is an invasion of privacy, at your age, especially if you’re chipping in.
I’m also a mom, and I wouldn’t have any problem if my kids said “Mom, don’t worry, I enjoyed myself, but maybe knock next time so you don’t have to see things you don’t wanna know about”. Lol Ultimately though, she should be knocking before walking into her adult daughter’s room.
I’m a dad and I am also into BDSM and similar things. HOWEVER, when it is your child, you are always, hyper aware that anything could be a sign of something bad. This is not because we do not want our children to have fun, it is because we love our children and the thought of any kind or abuse is more terrifying than if it would happen to us.
Having said that. I know some have said that you don’t owe your mom an explanation. No not legally but according to everything that is part of a parent-child relationship some kind or discussion that you are ok is necessary.
As a parent I would worry about two things.
Is this really consensual?
If it is, is it something you really enjoy as a healthy adult or is it something that stems from some feelings you have of inadequacy or low self image. As someone into the lifestyle I can tell you that this definitely exists.
You mom may need a discussion about BDSM and about why you enjoy it. You can gauge how much discussion she wants or needs. It’s a difficult conversations for you but remember the wondering, for her is way, more difficult. There are many sources you can use to help. The important thing is that she needs to understand that you are still in control, you can say no, you enjoy it and you are happy with your choice. That is what any good parent would want to know. And, yes, they needs to know that. Let her ask questions. If she doesn’t want to know certain things do not tell her. Expect there may be some follow-up curiosity or need to reaffirm. This is normal.
Help her understand how most of it is actually in your mind, the emotions of it are the real reason it is so exciting and satisfying. It is actually safer than just hooking up with random people.
This may turn into a closer relationship for you and your mom as talking about difficult or intimate issues usually results in being closer. Be gentle and respectful. This is a fun lifestyle but many people do not understand.
Good luck! I think you are going to do well.
Same thing happened to me but with back scratches. We were both tipsy and I just didn’t realize how much he was going to town in the haze of things. My mom saw the scratches and lost her mind talking about respect and safety. Next day she calmed down and asking if he was treating me with respect. I explained it was from consensual sex and I was an extremely willing participant in the scratching. She got over it and we haven’t mentioned since. Now she loves my bf (as she should he’s amazing) and is practically planning our wedding and family already lol.
I hope you’re not African-American…I think I could explain away a few scratches or even bruising from spanking or something (my mom probably wouldn’t even ask), but actual whip marks? Oh, no no no…
I think your mom is worried that you are not in a safe place or being taken advantage of. Be considerate of her concerns and if she asks just be open and honest with her about your kink and your relationship with Mark. You are still a baby at 22. Imo
It’s going to depend on your mom. My mom is extremely vanilla and thinks everything kinky is “perverted “. Personally, I’m into submission and even into golden showers and stuff. But I hide it because I don’t want the judgment. So if your mom is like mine, I wouldn’t say a word and would just hope it would blow over.
If your mom is more open minded, you should probably explain to her that you’re safe.
This question is likely better posed to
r/BDSMcommunity or r/BDSMAdvice, but as someone active in the kink community I’ll give my two cents.
You are a 22 year old woman. While young, you are an adult. I would sit your mom down (maybe your dad too) and have a conversation about your privacy. You may live with them but you still deserve your own space. The fact she walks in without knocking doesn’t seem like she respects your space. Maybe lock the door next time. If you don’t have a lock, get one. Just make sure there is a key handy on the outside so they can open the door in the case of an emergency. This isn’t to keep them out because you don’t trust them, but more a physical reminder that you need privacy if they forget to knock. The key is only to be used in the case of an emergency like a fire.
Then I would explain that you are in a consensual relationship with someone and what your mother saw was consensual and you are safe. That’s all she needs to know. If she has questions you can answer them, but you would rather not get into the specifics of your personal life.
“So about what you saw… any questions? Comments? Compliments?”
I think you need to be honest with her. Otherwise she’ll think you’re in an abusive relationship and who knows what fall out there might be from that.
Nice! I had a gf that would claw my back, like drawing blood. My dad was my gym partner and her coworker. Anyway, the gym we went to was an older YMCA that still had communal showers, I’m in there, and I hear OMG DID THE CAT ATTACK YOU!? Knowing full well he knew it wasn’t the cat.
Kinda miss that gf, she was fun, crazy af, but fun
Domestic violence survivor here. She’s just worried that you’re being abused. She’s NOT looking to judge your consensual sexual experiences! She just wants to know that your boyfriend is not an abusive monster!
As mentioned in another post, you can just say, “Hey mom, what you saw was consensual sexual stuff- don’t worry!”
In your last post you said you’ve been no contact with your mom for 3 years?
I talked to my mom about choking during sex bc my girlfriend at the time wanted me to but I was a trained ‘fighter’ and i only know how to choke to knock someone out and was concerned about hurting her (muscle memory – 15+ years). I also was concerned about the kind of person i was dating and her being pleasured by violence.
My mom was sweet. Small. Good Christian lady. She simply says to me:
“How we are in the bedroom is often different than how we are out of it.”
That was a good short talk. It helped me not be judgmental and move past the issue of violence for violence and violence for pleasure.
Still uneasy about it. I basically told her to put my hand on mind and squeeze how hard. I told her I wasn’t going two hands ever.
Talk with your mom. That shit might me hereditary and she could show you the swing hanging in the ceiling