I’m asexual, or at least I think I am?

So I’ve been back and forth on this for years tbh. I’m in my early(ish) 20s so I guess I have time to be wishy washy. I used to consider myself asexual, then I did some experimenting. Even then, it felt more like an obligation to make the other person happy. I’m now back to calling myself asexual.

Here’s the issue. On occasion, there’s *something* that just strikes a nerve and makes me question whether I’m just scared.

Backstory:

The last guy I dated (I’m gay btw, this will come into play) was kind of odd in various ways, but one thing that got to me was his complete disgust of even a speck of shit coming out during anal. We never got that far, or at least I didn’t. I fucked him a couple times. But I kept wanting to give it a try because I knew it would make him happy and because I wanted to see if I’ve just been missing out.

I wanted to prepare out of fear of poop. I ended up picking up this really bad habit of drinking cold brews and warm water and barely eating anything for like 2 days at a time. No matter what, I could not douche enough. Maybe I was going too crazy with it and accidentally cleaning the colon, but even then, why couldn’t I be clean like he was and others have been? They ate considerably worse than me. Anyway, these habits were obviously very unhealthy. It was also all for nothing because the one night I felt like I could maybe do it, he didn’t wanna wear a condom and it ruined the entire vibe for him.

Now:

So now I’m still kind of like this. I feel like I’m both comfortable about being asexual, but also not comfortable simply because the most I’ve had is half a dick for a few minutes. Sure I could top, but that doesn’t feel like me and I’m self conscious about that too.

Idk if I’m truly asexual, or if I’m just too scared to do anything because it’ll disappoint or maybe turn really gross and embarrassing