My partner and I have been together about 6 years. When we first met, I knew they suffered from depression (as it came up pretty quickly into our relationship) but I felt I could manage my own emotions with them and that it would be something I was “up for”, for lack of better words. Over the past 3 years, both of our mental health has suffered in ways it never had before. I started grappling with anxiety during the pandemic and it took a big toll on me and us. And my partner, well – their depression skyrocketed. They also started unpacking unknown trauma which led to more depression and come to find out they have more mental health issues than either of us ever knew. My partner is now clinically diagnosed with depression, bipolar and borderline personality disorder. We also believe they have serious issues and PTSD from childhood trauma that they more recently recalled. We had a few super rocky months that were chaotic, and things are better now as they have their medication dialed in and we’ve been able to talk through a lot of what was happening. But it’s still not what I’d call a happy marriage.
They struggle to just be okay, constantly. Happy for them is rare, and “okay” is not even the norm. I’d say not doing well to “meh” is essentially their daily reality. They struggle to take care of things they need to and I end up feeling like I’m running everything by myself most days, and I’ve come to the realization that this fact also significantly impacted/impacts my anxiety. They were unemployed for a while and I was the sole provider, and not they have a fulfilling job that they love but I still make significantly more than them. I fear that I will have to be the sole “ring leader” for the rest of our lives if we’re together. We used to be so compatible, but they truly don’t find joy in much and usually just want to stay home and sleep and it’s really starting to weigh on me. I go out and do my own things with friends etc but I just feel like my companion is no longer my companion. We’re not close like we used to be, we don’t enjoy our time together the way we used to, and everything seems like a struggle. They never make plans for us, they are passive, and they don’t take very good care of themselves. They are improving and trying their best, but I just feel like I’m married to someone who doesn’t operate like an adult. It’s only regressed since getting married. I honestly feel like life if just passing us by. It’s passing me by, but I don’t think it would be if I wasn’t with them. I’ve actually begun thinking that I might be happier alone and that kills me. I still love them and would want them in my life, but this just isn’t working and I’m thinking we should split and just be friends (and maybe explore getting back together if their situation improves and we are compatible again).
I used to be such a happy and bubbly person. Extremely outgoing, always positive, adventurous, optimistic. That’s all changed, and while I know much of it has been situational due to isolation from the pandemic and my own anxiety … I also can’t help but feel the biggest culprit is my marriage and how unfulfilling that’s become. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I can be happy being married to someone who isn’t happy. I know I should be able to find my own joy and things that make me happy, and I do, but they just don’t feel like enough when my marriage is so difficult.
Can anyone relate to this? If so- does anyone have success stories of your relationship working out and you finding your joy and balance? Any stories from people who dissolved a relationship like this and were better for it? I’m just at a loss and any help would be appreciated.
3 comments
Being married to someone who suffers from mental illness, is extremely taxing, exhausting and draining.
It’s a massive load of responsibility to shoulder and the resulting benefits are not necessarily better than if they didn’t have the mental illness.
It is exhausting. It saps all your energy.
It is financially draining.
Quality of life is worse, when your spouse suffers from mental illness.
In sickness and health is a vow that keeps you devoted to them, but boy oh boy, can that be a difficult vow to keep at times.
If you aren’t married yet and you asked me whether you should marry someone who suffers from mental illness – my answer would be – **no way!!! Don’t do it!!!**
Don’t get married. Leave. You have seen what you have become and how much of yourself you have already lost. The question is: how much more of yourself are you willing to sacrifice?
That sounds exactly like my situation. I wish I’d left when we got to 12 months of no sex (we went 15 months with nothing no hugs or kisses nothing because he didn’t find joy from anything sexual).
He has all the anxiety and depression you mentioned hes been unemployed 2/3 years and sits around asking if we should do a murder suicide pact while playing with him phone all day. I’m self employed and work from home he does no housework.
If I go out with friends he says I “leave him” and don’t want to be with him..
I can’t be bothered to keep up with this anymore. Any benefits he is on is because I completed the forms. His medication he takes I have to organise and arrange or he won’t bother to take or order it monthly. I do everything and trying to find what I get from this marriage its so one sided now.