(Long post)
Hello, looking for advice. Am I fighting a losing battle here?
Some background…
My husband is the first to admit he’s a terrible gift giver. For big gifts I have to say “I want X”. It’s this price, at this store, and they have this many in stock” . If I didn’t it would quite literally just never happen. At this point it’s really just me buying something for myself and him picking it up to “give it” to me. He has even given me things before in the shopping bag and never bothered sticking it in a gift bag.
For years if I didn’t tell him something specific I would get stuff that was OBVIOUSLY for himself, like stuff he can’t even pretend he thought I wanted (we are talking tricked out guns, knives, expensive Oakley sunglasses) stuff that he is super into but I have never shown any interest in. I’ve given up on expecting more effort for larger gifts. But he has always just not done simple gestures. Many years with no stocking, no valentines gestures, etc.
I have been vocal that simple gestures that require basically no thought, I expect him to do better. Holiday gestures that aren’t big things like Christmas stocking, Valentine’s Day, birthday, anniversary, etc…things that are much simpler. We have talked about this many times but every year it’s just him making zero effort then telling me he feels badly that he didn’t do anything and expecting me to make him feel better for his thoughtlessness.
This year we celebrated Valentine’s Day early because he works on the holiday and my daughter wants to celebrate her holidays when we are both home. On Friday we talked about how it doesn’t matter if he thinks flowers are stupid and a waste of money. That he needs to think about making his wife feel nice. Hell, buy a card and write me a nice note. Buy a gift card to literally any of 20 places he knows I would use it at. It’s the fact he would make ANY effort at all. That basic effort would mean so much. On Saturday he went to work and we texted that when he got home the next day (today) we would let kiddo open her gifts. I had already bought her whole gift bag, I bought him something a while ago, I even buy the dog a little goodie bag. He gets home, I hand out everyone’s gifts. He keeps commenting “oh wow babe. Thanks so much. I feel bad I didn’t get you anything. You should go get your nails done or something.” He leans in tries to hug me while he’s chewing a mouth full of food. So romantic 🙄. When he does this thing where he’s apologizing for not doing anything for me after he receives something from me I just blank him. I don’t have a response or attitude one way or the other. I just stay neutral and have zero response or facial expression as if he hadn’t said anything at all, and focus on my kid enjoying herself. I left the house to get everyone coffee and donuts. On the ride my 8 year old says “I’m sorry daddy didn’t get you anything again”. So now I’m having convos with my kid about expectations. And quite honestly it bothers me a lot that she’s old enough and thoughtful enough to
notice the lack of participation he exhibits.
I got back and he came downstairs and ate, passed out on the couch. That’s probably the last interaction he will find it worth staying awake for until the game starts later.
I’m so annoyed and quite honestly disgusted and un-attracted to him when this stuff happens. I’m having convos with my kid about how thoughtlessness isn’t something she should ever accept from a boy. I’m trying to reconcile some stuff for myself.
There are other issues in the marriage we are trying to work on as well and I just thinks it’s really ridiculous that he would bomb this too while we are actively working on things.
He could have stopped at a grocery store and grabbed flowers, a drugstore and got a card, literally anything. Receiving gifts isn’t even my love language! It’s just embarrassing and invalidating to have your spouse so clearly not give a shit.
To me considering the very specific conversations we literally just had hours before this, the message it sends is that he doesn’t care about validating me, doesn’t respect me enough to prioritize any of the effort I’ve asked for, doesn’t value the relationship at all. It’s a small indicator of the bigger issues at hand. Am I wrong there?
He would say that isn’t it at all and he just “sucks at giving gifts” which I deem as a nonsense excuse at this point.
Men…am I reading this wrong?
Ladies…have you ever experienced this type of behavior and bounced back from how it made you feel?
4 comments
Without more context, it sounds like your love languages aren’t compatible; you feel loved by receiving gifts and show love by giving gifts, but he has made a defining character trait out of being bad at gift-giving. Does he have his own, different way of showing love?
If he’s not willing to speak your language and you’re not willing to speak his, then you’re setting your marriage up to fail by persistently expecting him to suddenly transform a major part of his character.
I feel and give love via words of affirmation, whereas my husband feels loved through physical touch and gives love through acts of service. We’ve solved this mismatch by essentially mixing our languages; when he does something kind for me, he’ll present it with kind words – and I’ll pair my words with close hugs, for example.
You mention but don’t elaborate on what other issues are at play, so I can’t really advise whether either party is explicitly wrong; I do think everyone’s approaching from the wrong angle, though.
So you aren’t wrong and you are wrong at the same time. You are NOT wrong because:
– he obviously doesn’t give a shit
– you communicated your expectations, he still hasn’t bothered to fulfill them
– he’s giving BS excuses
Don’t get me wrong, sucking at gift-giving is definitely a thing. And it may be that he does suck at it and has simply given up. But you clearly don’t want him to give up, so he’s an AH for not at least giving a modicum of effort.
All that said, you ARE wrong because:
– how long have you two been together? And you STILL haven’t adjusted your expectations? What’s the definition of “insanity” again?
– Maybe gift-giving isn’t your love language, but it still seems like you are placing an EXTREME amount of emphasis on holidays. I mean, I’ve never even heard of exchanging gifts with kids on Valentine’s Day.
In short, your husband is clearly an AH who doesn’t want to give any effort towards this. He’s been this way, presumably, the entire time you’ve known him. For some reason, you haven’t adjusted your expectations and so you keep perpetuating the disappointment/resentment cycle. If gift-giving isn’t even your love language, it’s time to pick something else to care about. Which is not to say that he has no obligation to make you feel special. Presumably, there are other ways to do that.
So I’m going to ask a few questions…
1/ what does he do around the house
2/ when he’s with your child is he engaged with them or just scrolling on his phone, gaming or watching TV
3/Does he see when you’re tired or sick and make sure you’re well taken care of?
4/ if he left your home for a month, would you find it easier without him there? (Not would you miss him, does he create work for you)
5/if he was in sole charge of your child would all of the elements of parenting be done? Would the house be clean? Laundry done? Meals made?
Perhaps stop getting him gifts and going above and beyond for him all the time. Maybe that is the only way he’ll understand how crappy it feels and do better. Perhaps take some time to reflect on what he brings to the relationship and if it is worth it.