Any advice would be appreciated on adult friendships. What do you do when you no longer have a go-to friend group and your best friend is always the spotlight of everything?
Here is the situation with my childhood friends:
1. During university, one of the guys started critizing my life and other people’s lives (except my best friend). Everything we did was mistake to him. My best friend is well aware how bad the situation was getting but she never stood by my side. She simply said he never did that to her.
2. I dated a guy in the group and we broke up on bad terms.
3. My other girlfriend no longer talks to the judgemental guy but she has made a lot of other close friends. She’s happy and occasionally meets up with the group without the guy.
4. Those guys (plus some of their girlfriends) and my best friend are all hanging out with each other playing boardgames and whatnot. They didnt even remember my birthday. I tried asking them for just simple lunch and they couldnt make it. My best friend was just like it’s ok we can meet up ourselves as if shes perfectly ok with the group not meeting me. I still meet up with my best friend but she has plans every weekend.
Back story
1. My best friend was the spotlight of everything. She made so many friends everywhere and everyone liked her.
2. All those guy friends had a crush on her in high school. They treated my best friend with the most respect. And me? They used to be ok but now they don’t care.
3. I thought I was okay with my best friend having her own friends so I also started making other friends in university. But once that’s done everyone left the city. I was back at square one. I don’t know what to do.
4. She still labeled me as her best friend but she has her entire life without me, including her own birthday. I asked her what she’s doing and she said she’s celebrating with the group. She causally asked me if i wanted to join (and apparently my ex would be there too lol.) So of course I couldn’t join.
5. Maybe I watched too many movies. I just feel so strange. My best friend is very nice to everyone but also like…i don’t know.
7 comments
You’re her “best friend” but she doesn’t even invite you to her birthday? Hmm..
I’ve gone through times like these. Nothing you can do. Eventually you will find other friends. You can’t bare the entire weight of your social life on one person. That’s a lot to put on her. But it’s ok, eventually you will make new friends who will become new besties.
She doesn’t sound like your best friend.
Your best friend is a social butterfly, she just seems to be someone that likes to please and be friends with everyone you cant really fault that. You speak as though you are always in her shadow, like you don’t matter but you do matter. You are neglecting to be independent and make an effort to making real friends with other people. Sure you have something against people in the group because he’s a annoying but what’s stopping you from being friends with her other friends too? You need to make an effort to start again and make you own friends, it’s never too late.
I can understand not hanging out when you ex is around, but other times with the annoying guy you gotta bite the bullet and try make an effort to try going to more social events. Be your own person and stop acting as if you are your best friends shadow and be yourself and stand out.
Maybe even take a step back from your being her best friend for a bit and take on a role to finding yourself and doing things without her and doing things on your own with new people.
I overthink a lot so sometimes I make up problems or read into something too much or not enough smh, I definitely did this with my friendships, I’m still friends with all my middle school pals, I’m 31 met them at 12, but if you feel like somethings off, go with your gut at the same time sometimes relationships just change, people get into a groove doing different things meeting new people, sometimes you might even have to reacquaint yourself with people you already know. Just because they may have changed a little. I have one of those judgmental friends, we barely talk like how we used to, and thats mainly because of me but it’s still casual, we’re all in a group chat. If something CRAZY happened like something that’s so far gone past unforgivable, I understand but childhood friends you’ll never have friends like that again, I’m honestly weary of meeting new people. Ya should be able to talk it out. Maybe just start doing things for yourself also, I had to become okay with going out alone. My closest friend in the group was always a lover boy and then had a baby, so I felt like everyone’s moving on, the judgmental one went off to another city, one joined the army , I stopped talking to one for a couple years, no reason at all really (thinking now he could’ve been going through these same emotions also) and another I would talk to once in a blue moon, a few years went by but we were all able to come back together. Maybe you can start with a work friend and then branch out from that. I move weird sometimes so I’m giving your best friend the benefit of the doubt. Like I say I love all my friends but the judgmental one will say how can you go 3 months and not talk to someone lol ( I just ain’t talk to you in 3 months) I like to think of adult friendships like the movie grown ups, they all kept in touch and they meet up for events and it’s all love even if they haven’t spoken in a while. 4 of us are in Florida, 2 are in Cali. Yesterday 2 from fla flew out to Cali to surprise the friend because his birthday is coming up. I couldn’t make it, no PTO time, I probably got a little off point there but if the relationships are worth it you’ll find a way to make it work, it’s just gonna be different. Probably used to talking to your best friend everyday now it might be once a week. Once communication gets flakey, people start to think that means something, I told my friends unless I tell you I have a issue don’t assume that I do, just because you haven’t heard from me in a while, other people can do all that talking texting everyday but I need my space I’m an introvert and I get drained the longer I’m out and around people. There used to be a time I never wanted to go home, I was down for everything, so once I stopped hanging out, doing things I always did, it safe to say someone might think, maybe he doesn’t like us anymore… COMMUNICATION is the easiest and hardest thing to do. I hope I helped a little, feels like I started ranting then venting. I don’t know how long it’s been for you and your friends but reach out, speak up and at least then you can move forward and just know what it is and what it isn’t.
I’m just like your friend – and I also had a friend like you. We grew up together and I was always the outgoing extrovert, and she wasn’t. People tend to gravitate to me which led to me meeting people and making friends all over the place! But her, not so much. I included her in most things I did, to break her out of her shell…and it worked to some degree, but we are who we are at the end of rhe day!
Needless to say, once we hit adulthood, I had basically made new friend groups, and had hung out with other people more and more…esp when I went to college. She – stayed local and really didn’t branch out much. The few friends she made were cool, but just not MY kinda people – so when we got together things were always kind different. Everytime one of her new friendships failed – she came right back to ME and kinda expected me to pick up the slack because she didnt have anyone else. That’s not cool. Eventually as time went on we grew apart…and she didn’t take it that well. But there was nothing to apologize FOR…time, growing up, and distance changed things and so the relationship changed.
What I’m saying is – you have to accept your friend for who she is. And sometimes, as much as it sucks, thenolder we get our tastes change (and that includes friendships). Who you were cool with in middle school doesn’t mean it will be the same in adulthood. If your friend hangs with someone you don’t care for, that’s a YOU problem honestly – not hers. And her being so outgoing isn’t going to change. So you either have to roll with it and talk to her about how you feel, or, make new friends. This girl may be your best friend – but maybe she has outgrown that in her mind?
She sounds like a frenemy, honestly! I know you two have a lot of history, but at a minimum I’d downgrade the status of the relationship from ‘best friend’ to ‘someone I hang out with occasionally.’ The whole group sounds a bit toxic for you. Again, not saying to drop the connection, just de-emphasize it.
For yourself, you need to be in situations where you can see people regularly so you can have conversations that will lead to connections and future friendships.
You don’t say much about your personality, but I’m just going to assume that your frenemy is the Shining Star, and you are the background stage scenery to her movie that is all about herself.
I think it’s time to stop being the scenery, and take a starring role in the movie/stage play that is your own life. What are the things that make people want to be around you? There are several important to traits that I call ECHO: Enthusiasm, Confidence, Humor & Optimism. Most people don’t have all four of those (and if they do, they probably already have a lot of friends!). But if you can work on developing two of them, that’ll be a big improvement.
Remember that WHAT you say isn’t nearly as important as HOW you say it. Have some passion for: yourself, other people, LIFE ITSELF! Make eye contact, light up a big smile, speak with WARMTH and ENERGY. You don’t need to be loud, but you do need to be interested, engaged and have some enthusiasm for what’s going on around you. People connect more on EMOTION, and emotions are contagious. Think of all the positivity and warmth we deliver to our dogs/cats on a daily basis (if you’ve ever had one). THAT is what we need to start delivering to people.
Good luck!