Hey everyone, got a bit of a pickle here.
People Involved:
Me (25M): I am an American going for a Master’s Degree overseas in Europe (started Fall 2022). Have dated GF since the Summer of 2021. Came from a more direct family, lived independently after college (worked Tech Job).
GF (23F): Has dated Me since the Summer of 2021. Moved in with me at the start of 2022. Got a Masters in Summer of 2022. Goes back and forth from the US to Europe for months at a time while visa paperwork gets dealt with. Very sweet, has struggled with setting and maintaining boundaries.
GFMom (55F): Mother of GF. First met Fall 2021. Very focused on conflict aversion, high stress, and strongly values family. Has historically been the ‘Manager’ of the GF Family and other parts of the family rely on her to do this. Has a problem with recognizing boundaries and can be very persistent. Tries to justify or rationalize things.
Background Info:
For a long time, I have gotten along well with GFFamily. My experiences have been very pleasant and I was welcomed in fairly quickly. As far as I can tell, I am well liked by them. They went on vacations, had lots of interesting stories, had a range of interests, and were generally pretty cool. GFMom was very warm and welcoming in particular. She was the one who created itineraries, planned events, and helped take care of sick and elderly relatives. Furthermore, she was very connected with her family and is essentially the one who does all administrative work behind event planning for her side of the family.
After GF moved in with me, it became clear that not all was well and that GF had some intra-family problems with a few relatives, a big one being her mom. Apparently, GFMom was somewhere between helicopter parent, manager, and child. GF has ADHD, which led to GFMom tending to get really pushy and repetitive with asking GF to do things. While an extent of this may be helpful in getting work done, it got to extremes and well beyond the point where it disregarded GF’s agency and damaged self-esteem. For example, it got to the point where she would call GF at like 7am in college to try and wake her up and remind her to do stuff (this was not requested) or pressure GF to meet with relatives she was trying to go Low Contact with because ‘family’ (GF did convey this). It still goes on today- when GF is in the US and wants time to herself, GFMom tries to make audible sighs, drops things, and does some other stuff to guilt or pressure GF out. GF has recommended therapy to GFMom, who brushes it off. To make matters worse, GF has also been diagnosed with (and is in therapy for) a form of Moral OCD that gets exacerbated by this, causing her a lot of additional stress and undermining attempts to enforce boundaries. I have been an advocate for GF to attend therapy and have encouraged GF to set and maintain boundaries (as well as identify those of others)- so in addition to making GF’s mental state worse it gives me a lot of stress. This primarily happens when people outside GF’s household are not around.
Situation Today:
Earlier today, GF and GFMom went to my family’s house for dinner and to get some stuff GF left there from around Christmas time (I was home for the holidays so a lot of time was spent there). They ate, had a video call with me, and seemed to have been very smooth. I was happy to see everyone, though GFMom and I did not speak much.
A bit later, GF messaged me saying that they were in my room to grab a couple of her things (she is heading back to Europe soon), but GFMom started looking through some bags I had there. GF said that those were not hers, GFMom kept looking through them. GF told GFMom to stop, she did not. In the bags, there were 2 things her family gave me for Christmas and GFMom pointed out that I did not take them with me, then proceeded to look through some more stuff, pack, then leave. GFMom figured out that GF was telling me that she looked through my stuff even after knowing it wasn’t related. GFMom begged GF not to- claiming it would make me hate GFMom. GFMom then tried to rationalize it, and implied that GF would be okay if my mom looked through her bags. GF said she would not be, especially if my mom was told not to do it.
GF told me anyway. I told GF that this was uncomfortable and a breach of privacy. I find it incredibly disrespectful and even more disrespectful that she continued to do it after being told not to. EVEN MORE SO after she tried to cover it up and pressure GF not to. That said, now I am not really sure what to do, especially speaking that I did not speak to GFMom directly and was not present. GFMom has historically done this stuff frequently with GF, crossing boundaries, rationalizing or justifying things, and pretending that conflict is not there and now it has started moving on to me. It makes me not trust GFMom. I feel like I am dealing with people who do not listen to reason. Any time GF tries to explain how she feels or her point, GFMom either plays emotional strings or submits and then does not follow through. I am fed up with this, but need advice- what do I do here? How can I get the point across that this can’t happen? What can I do to stop this bullshit?
TL;DR- GFMom has a history of boundary issues. GFMom went through my stuff after GF told her not to, made negative judgements about what she found, then told GF not to tell me. GFMom then later tried to rationalize this and justify it. I am an ocean away.
2 comments
It sounds like your girlfriend is developing good boundaries at least. And her ethics are fine.
The problem is that if you say anything to the mother it isn’t going to be good for your relationship with the mother. It also puts your girlfriend in the middle. Better to keep the peace in my mind and add the rule that no one goes into your room in the future. Your girlfriend can pass that on to her mother as a house rule.
My boyfriend didn’t like people in our house when he came home from work, just because he wanted to relax and then talk to me before having to entertain friends. That was a boundry some people couldn’t understand and they would drop by and I would just say BF was going to be home soon and didn’t want people here when he came home. They thought it was weird but now accept it.
As long as your girlfriend has a relationship with her mom, she will be in your life is some way. I wouldn’t do anything about this particular incident, because this particular incident didn’t do direct harm to you and also won’t repeat. You seem to be asking about the broader issue, anyway: How can you get the mom to change her behavior? That almost certainly won’t happen. You’ve made it clear that how she is, is who she is. All you can do is decide whether you can tolerate whatever role your girlfriend allows her mom to play in her life, and by extension yours. If you’re *truly* fed up with the mom, then you have to break up with your girlfriend.