For a little context, I (21f) have been talking to someone (27m) for the past few weeks, we met on a dating app so I wasn’t really expecting anything serious out of it at first. On our second hangout we started making out, which turned to touching/kissing, and eventually we had sex. Before we fucked, I had directly asked him, “if we fuck are you gonna want to talk to me anymore, or is that gonna be the end of it?” he assured me that was not the case and that he doesn’t want a fling. I was nervous because I hadn’t had sex in over a year, he was very understanding of that and not pushy at all. That eased my worries because I have had experiences where the guy I was interested in ghosted me after getting in my pants. Anyways, we had sex and it was great to finally be touched after so long. My concern is now that he’s already loosing interest because we took it to the next level too quick, before getting to know each other better. His texts have slowed down a bit since this encounter, he still seems interested but apart of me is thinking otherwise. He’s also still dealing with drama from his ex (28f) they recently separated and I can tell he’s bothered by it, we agreed to take things slow because of this. Do some guys pretend to like you, then disappear as soon as a girl gives it up? Is he not over his ex, and I’m some sort of younger rebound? After a year plus without sex, and finally finding someone I’m comfortable with, I’d be extremely hurt if this was the case.
28 comments
Yes men and women do this to each other, it’s just asshole-ish behavior.
Some people will play the long game just for sex. It’s dumb but some love the chase. Or they just wanted the booty and that’s all. And some will lie to themselves and think they want a girlfriend just to jump to a new one a month later. Bad part is I can’t tell you how to vet these cats.
You met a guy on a dating site, knew he wasn’t over his ex, fucked him, and now you are concerned he isn’t over his ex? You both got what you wanted. Don’t have your feelings hurt. Move along madame. You are 21. You weren’t going to marry this guy, right?
Look the texts may have slowed down but let me guess when you tell yourself hey I’m not gonna text him I need to move on he texts you and your mind changes because you think he cares? Maybe he does maybe he doesn’t. You got laid girl it’s OK. Maybe you just needed to feel wanted and that’s ok to! Even if the texts have slowed he’s still in touch and hasn’t completely ghosted you. Keep your options open still if you aren’t sure.
People who are only interested in having sex, will.
Omg I met someone on a dating app and had sex with him on our second hangout (same age difference, I am 22f) so I feel like I can speak to this or at least relate to you.. it’s so nice to find someone you’re comfortable with and I would have been super hurt if he ghosted me. Are you wanting something casual or more serious and is he on the same page as you?
I don’t think it’s fair to say that you’re a rebound. I’ve known people who have had meaningful connections soon after getting out of a relationship
Also, I think framing sex as something to give up on your end/to be taken on his end is harmful here. It sounds like you wanted to have sex and that it was good. If you’re looking for something more serious and longer term where he wants it to be casual (which I think is your main concern), you weren’t used, you want different things. Or if you want something serious/casual and he’s down, it could be a good match?
This age gap is tricky.. I like to use (his age / 2) + 7 as a general rule. So we just made the cutoff but it’s still big enough to feel ~younger ~.. does he seem like the type of man to rebound with someone younger?/how many down-age gaps has he done before? I was insecure about being younger but i feel like it can definetly be talked through
Have you considered that he’s torn up about his ex but isn’t going to get back with her?
Maybe he’s nervous to start a new relationship and taking time to think about it.
It could be a lot of things. If this is someone you actually want to be with, you will need to respect their space and give them time.
If you haven’t talked about being exclusive though, just don’t expect that of them.
It’s easy to get lost in built up expectations of another human. Unfortunately, it’s not reality and we hurt ourselves by doing this. I did it to myself often from 14-23
Honestly, it really depends on the guy, the sex, and his outlook towards relationships.
Very true. It’s like a hunter trying to rehunt something that was hunted.
Men like the thrill of the chase. Every woman I’ve fucked on date number 1 the minute my load is blown I get this clarity that I don’t need a relationship at all and I leave.
The woman that made me hunt a month or more to see and feel their naked bodies I pursue more.
>> His texts have slowed down a bit since this encounter
Sorry to say, but I think he just wanted sex or didn’t match with you in bed. Time to move on and don’t let him keep orbiting you on social media.
No, this is not the case. But it‘s often the people who have expectation connected to sex that ask questions like this.
Sometimes especially if the sex was bad
Only if that’s all they want
I would just like to point out that you yourself are having doubts if it’s all in your head! People on this sub and online in general are so quick to make conclusions and give advice with little information.
I would say give it a chance to see if it blossoms into something but keep your guard up for red flags. Sounds like this guy is just a human being going through a human experience. It could have been rebound sex but it could also be something much more!
Go with your gut, in life you can’t get what you want without taking risks!
The sad truth is yes!! Guys pretend to like you just to get in your pants, they’ll say all the right things and make it seem truthful to reach the end goal.
He could also be distant because the sex reminded him of something he had with his ex and ending a relationship takes alot longer for men than women thing.
While I’m not one to immediately move on or ghost after first time sex, it does tend to shift my perception of the power dynamic. Dating leading up to that can feel like I’m constantly chasing approval. Once we’ve had sex, I feel much more secure and then can think more clearly about the situation.
I think holding off on sex might filter out some guys who would have ghosted you after sex, but in other cases it might just be delaying the inevitable.
Some will most won’t
I feel obliged to tell you “post nut clarity” is sadly a thing, but only when someone’s interest level is low/moderate at best. If he’s cold with you after sex, the truth is he’s probably not obsessed with you in the way you deserve it, sweetie ❤️
Any man who really liked you would only want to be closer with you after sex.
I’ve never had a guy do this to me, but I’ve had this happen for myself. I find that when I jump into bed with someone but don’t really know them as a person, I lose interest immediately after the sex because I have no real investment in that person/relationship. most of my dating life, my relationship attempts ended the day after we hooked up for the first time.
If you’re pursuing situations where you’re “not expecting anything serious out of it”….. this is going to happen more often than not.
Yes, some men do have a goal of having sex with you. And once that goal is met, there isn’t much incentive to continue pursuing you.
Yes, and a lot of men lie about it too.
I would straight out talk to him and be like hey what’s going on? After we had sex, you been acting strange . Find out what he really wants . Cause you be wasting your time if you don’t find out
Sometimes, yeah – all someone will want is sex, and may even play cat and mouse for YEARS if that’s what it takes to get it.
Had it happen, but I also now have a fiancé who’s child I’m having that just seems to fall more in love with me after sex. Yeah ok sometimes he just passes tf out but most of the time he’s a love bug and starts chatting on and on about our future.
It’s so hard to tell in 2023 if a person wants you as a whole or just your body, as depressing as that is. You’re probably gonna have more than one person treat you like a monarch just to get in your pants then leave.
But hold out long enough, and somebody out there will want you and your body and your personality, and will love you unconditionally in every way 💜
Some. There’s no universal answer to this.
I knew two guys in college who were kind of like that.
They didn’t really ditch girls right after sex but they both had strings of very short “relationships”.
Both of them also usually had some primary girl that they were constantly cheating on.
Most of the guys in our group made fun of them. On one hand we were impressed by how easily they were able to convince girls to sleep with them. On the other hand, all of their relationships were some level of fscked up, and nobody was jealous of that.
Most of the guys I knew in college did typical young guy crap. They might try desperately to get laid at parties and there was some blustering and exaggeration (some circumstances bring out more of that than others) but most of my friends actually spent a lot of college crushing on some girl.
For the most part, when some young guy finally finds a girl who’s DTF they’re gonna ride that wave.
Young guys actually get way less play than most people think. I’m married so I’ve got a chick who’s on BC, trusts me, knows what I like, knows that I know what she likes and lies down naked next to me every single night. We’re both employed so we can afford a bunch of toys and we live in a house; no parents and our kids are old enough to know not to bother knocking if the door is locked. I’m not that rich or good looking but it’s rare for me to go more than a week without sex.
This guy may have unresolved issues from his previous relationship but, in my experience, the trope of the guy who wants to sleep with women to raise their score doesn’t match the reality. Most guys primary motivation for sex is that sex is great and when it’s available with someone they like they’ll do as much of it as possible
Some guys will lose interest if you have sex, some guys will lose interest if you don’t have sex, some guys will lose interest regardless of sex, and some won’t lose interest regardless of sex.
> Do some guys pretend to like you, then disappear as soon as a girl gives it up?
I’m not sure how much you can expect someone to “genuinely like you”, purely for your emotional and personal characteristics, after a total of two times hanging out with you. Like, it’s definitely not out of the question that some person would text with you for weeks, and hang out once, and then push the relationship toward sex on the second hangout, if that was what they were primarily interested in. It’s not a guarantee or anything, and he could still be into you for other reasons, *in addition* to being sexually attracted to you, but the “recent split with ex” part is definitely a concerning piece of context.
> After a year plus without sex, and finally finding someone I’m comfortable with, I’d be extremely hurt if this was the case.
I guess I’d politely suggest not having sex with people on the first or second meetup, if it’s such an emotionally fraught issue that you know you’re going to over-analyze in the aftermath, because of a past experience with a different person ghosting you? If you *know* that’s the case in advance, set boundaries, so you’re sure that the people you have sex with are looking for a serious relationship with you, and not hung up on their ex, or dating 5 other girls.
At this point, there’s not going to be any way to “know” with this guy, so either keep engaging with him, and trying not to over-analyze sex that’s mutually enjoyable, or back off, and see if he pursues you, while you look for a different relationship where you set better boundaries.
Ask yourself whether or not you like him, as a person.
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I used to overthink like crazy about whether someone liked me and I would think of everything I could have do differently to stop them ‘going off me’. I put so much energy into thinking about what they thought of me rather than what I thought of them.
It’s very hard to find someone that you are comfortable with sexually, and I’ve had problems with this myself but I’ve learned that I have been comfortable with lads who were playing a game and I was oblivious because of the fact that I felt comfortable sexually with them.