My husband is a spender and I’m a saver. He grew up in a privileged home and I didn’t. My mom had to go to food banks and was on food stamps. My husband’s family never had to do that. I have Medicaid and food stamps due to being disabled.
I’ve been trying to find an optometrist and he keeps saying that the eye exam is inexpensive but the glasses are what’s expensive. I know this and I keep reminding him that I have insurance. It bugs me that he seems to have no problem spending money where it’s not necessary.
I believe in saving money where you can. I think it might be a difference in how we view money. I’m aware that it’s because of the differences in how we grew up but it’s starting to get to me. I’ll be honest and say that I’ve questioned our relationship because of it. I’ve wondered if maybe we’re not right for each other.
His spending is starting to make me resent him because it feels like he won’t try to see my point of view. We’re not rich by any means and we’re not even really living comfortably right now. His throw caution to the wind view on spending is driving me nuts. How do we resolve this and are we incompatible? I don’t know what to think.
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> I’ve been trying to find an optometrist and he keeps saying that the eye exam is inexpensive but the glasses are what’s expensive. I know this and I keep reminding him that I have insurance. It bugs me that he seems to have no problem spending money where it’s not necessary.
I don’t really understand what you’re saying is happening here. Are you saying that you feel that your husband spends trivially most of the time, but is giving you a hard time about getting your eyes checked out?
You didn’t give any percentages or numbers to get an idea of where money is actually coming from or going to, but the answer is still the same: you both need to establish a budget and stick to it. A budget isn’t necessarily anything in particular, but it’s just an accounting for how much you take in and how much you spend.
How do my wife and I handle money? We treat it like a math problem. That’s all money is. We set our budget once or twice a year. I’m more of a spender, so I generally push for more money on luxeries and/or individual use, and she generally advocates for more savings and frugality. But once we set on a budget, that make a pretty reasonable effort to stick to it.
Education. As in personal finance education, learning how to make a real budget that’s literally in writing (paper, spreadsheet, software, whatever), learning how to live within a budget, having regular (weekly or biweekly) family meetings over the budget, how to have important short and long-term plans with money (like replacing that appliance and planning for retirement).
That’s what the /r/personalfinance sub teaches people every day and they have a deep wiki full of information. Because if he were left alone and lived this way, he’d be so surprised to wake up at age 60 with only social security to live on meaning he never really will retire because all that money was pissed away decades ago.
And to be sure, a healthy balance is probably in between you two. Not totally stingy and not blowing money.
I think you need to have the argument in a planned way (like a scheduled budget discussion) and sort out priorities then. Separate spending money, either take a set amount in cash or set up a separate account for each of you and then if he wants to spend on wants or food out or whatever extra thing it can come from there.
Also for the glasses, get the prescription from the doctor and order the glasses online. Zenni is pretty affordable with lots of options. There are other sites too.
We don’t argue about money, we discuss our finances.
We grew up from different backgrounds too. I think that’s a positive thing. You bring different experiences and perspectives to the marriage. Also if one is a saver and one is a spender you balance one another out.
The goal is not to be cheap. You want to be frugal. Cut mercilessly on those expenses that don’t bring you joy, and spend frivolouosly on those things that do. Just wanting to save a buck every where you can is cheap and living with that kind of a person is exhausting. Because they will always care about the cost of something before they care about people.
Just because you grew up with a scarcity mindset doesn’t mean you should carry that into your marriage when you aren’t broke or poor.
It’s good that you understand your past and why you feel the way you do about money, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to not address those issues and work past them. You aren’t broke on EBTs and Medicaid, so you shouldn’t live like you are.
I’m the opposite of you. I grew up in the upper 1% and I actually have the freak out can’t spend money mentality. My husband grew up with more money insecurities and is more of a free spender. I have had to learn to back off and have fun and learn to enjoy what money we have. As long as our investments and savings is automated and set up for our (realistic) long term goals, then we can feel free to spend whatever else we have guilt free.
I honestly think you are both wrong. You cannot see marriage as my way vs his way. You need to find OUR way. Discuss money insecurities and feelings and find a way that you both can be comfortable.
Sit down, make a budget you both can agree to, and live by it.
But you have to be brutally honest. You have to tell him why you want to save and your dreams and goals and why it’s important to you and why you feel safe and secure with money. He then needs to explain why he has his feelings. Then be clear this is an issue that needs to be resolved and discussed. You need to be saving and investing. However you also need to feel free to spend and enjoy your money too.
But to actually answer your question my husband and I have finances 100% shared and we have monthly budget meetings and decide together where money goes and what our long term goals are. We don’t FIGHT, but I would be lying if some of those conversations weren’t hard for me or him where we have to jump out of our comfort zone a little bit for the other. And in all honesty I appreciate he’s made me more of a spender and I like seeing him happy when we actually go on a nice vacation and he enjoys himself. I all of a sudden don’t see that as a waste or overspending.
I actually recommend I Will Teach You To Be Rich By Ramit Sethi. Sit down and built your rich life with one another then work on getting there.
No matter what though, I agree with you, being out of debt outside of a house and having an emergency fund is a 100% necessity and needs to be taken seriously by both parties. BUT you don’t get there by sitting down and saying “you need to see my side and we need to do it my way”. Even for the person who may be more “right” than the other, you have to approach it as all people’s perspectives are valued and heard.
Separate accounts !!
Money management needs to have a strategy. You guys need a written budget and need to come up with a framework for how you handle finances. It can be completely combined, separate, or somewhere in the middle but you need to set a plan together that both of you abide by. Who pays the bills? How do you know how much you’re spending? On what?