The new BBC commissioner decides that after 37 years, Walford has had its day and they want to put something new in its slot.

You, as the chief writer for the show have been tasked with successfully ending this show on a high.

How do you do it?

45 comments

  5. I’d have Lord Sugar coming into the Vic, sits down for a nice white wine and says “you’re fired, in fact you’re all fired”.

    Then we find out he’s brought the whole bloody lot and he’s in charge now and he’s already applied for planning permission to knock it all down and to build an office block.

  6. Phil Mitchell finally dies. The Queen Vic is sold to a property developer, and the square is knocked down for a development of luxury flats. (5.8% of which are affordable)

  10. TV detector vans start to appear. Surreptitiously at first, then more and more blatantly. Bailiffs are seen congregating at one end of the square at the end of the penultimate episode. Last episode has them entering several properties simultaneously, and attempting to demand payment of the TV licence no-one on the quare has ever paid. Police are called when (insert current old non-PC character) refuses to pay. Descends into a riot that snowballs every character into a wide-angle shot in front of the Queen Vic. Final, slow-motion scene has the weather-reporting helicopter crash onto the riot and create a fireball that ignites the gas main that wipes out the entire East End of London, as shown from a Google earth map. Fade to black.

  11. An asteroid strike aimed directly at the Queen Vic but the asteroid is a mile wide (so there’s fuck-all chance of any of those depressing shits surviving).

  13. Probably what I did to my sims. Put them in the pool and used the cheat do delete the ladder

  15. Oooh – the Thames Barrier finally fails and all of the sad fucks drown, unable to swim to safety because of all of the cheap, shitty clothes they sell down the market are getting tangled around their necks…

  17. Phil Mitchell wakes up in a red-curtained room with a dwarf and an extremely tall lanky guy that only speak backwards. He realises that his life in Walford is over and he’ll be stuck in this room forever until Peggy returns from the dead to solve Barry’s death!

  21. Ian Beale reveals himself to be an all powerful necromancer, murders everyone only to resurrect them as zombies for a Halloween finale where he dances with the corpse of Dot Cotton while Barry blasts out Mustang Sally.

  22. A young baby girl is left in the middle of the square, attatched to her is a note that simply reads “Dot”, she is taken in by the cotton family. The cycle repeats.

  23. The UK decides to host the Eurovision song contest in London. Albert Square is chosen as the site for a new, mega stadium.

    All of the residents of Albert Square are relocated to Emmerdale.

    The show ends with the Queen Vic being demolished.

  24. 30 minute fight featuring the entire cast (including dead ones) in the final episode, no dialogue except “you slag!”, all the punches make the sound of the “doof-doof” noises until the theme kicks in after the final punch is thrown by Barry.

  25. As no one seems to own a washing machine, they are all killed by a virus that has multiplied on some skiddies tucked down the back of the Slater’s sofa.

  26. Turns into a 15 minute city. They get locked into their ghetto hell. The residents try to rise up and a government kill squad comes in and wipes them all out. Final credits roll to the tune [‘Deeply Dippy’ by Right Said Fred.](https://youtu.be/to0l73sMhew)

  27. Walford is visited by a giant apparition of dirty den that just hangs in the sky, fingering his mouth incessantly until slowly, one by one, all of the residents of the square are forced to abandon their homes and start new lives elsewhere.

  28. A scientist invents time travel, goes back in time and stops Nick Cotton from murdering Reg Cox. This breaks the curse that has since plagued Albert Square and in the new timeline every one goes about living fairly normal lives with limited drama and a lot less murders.

  29. Phil goes on a bald headed, Stella and crack I fused rampage where he just fuckin lays waste to the square with a scaff bar, after a lengthy police chase where he smoked more crack he gets out of the car and climbs a tall building, drawn out talks between Phil and the negotiator allows kat to climb onto the roof to try and talk him down, but all Phil does is turn around, take one final swig of his can, looks kat dead in the eyes and says “you slaaaaag”

    Du du dumdumdum…..

  30. The wormholes that are inside each house that allow for ever expanding families all merge together and create a black hole that swallows the Universe, except for Ian Beale.

    OR

    I’d slowly turn it into The Hills Have Eyes as the decades of inbreeding catch up on them.

  31. A massive x rated orgy. Phil keels over from heart failure as he can’t keep up with the pace.

  33. Nothing, Literally nothing. Not a thing happens. Characters sitting around in the pub enjoying a beer, the occasional ‘morning’ as people walk past each other keeping themselves to themselves. Virtually no dialogue then just static, no credits. Maybe a message saying ‘thanks for watching’.

  34. The final scenes I would like to see is Phil Mitchell says “oi, Ian, you wanna still mess with me you cock roach?” as he holds his machine gun aloft after firing a huge amount of bullets and Dot Cotton puts down the shot gun with her trade mark ciggy in her mouth. Phil is puffing on a cigar. Ian is crying again

  37. I’d go with a silent black screen for the whole episode(s). No explanation, no discussion of deeper meaning. It’d simultaneously put it out of its misery and wind up plenty of people at the same time.

  38. The East End is under lockdown as the Cockney virus mutates and becomes a national security risk. Albert Square is walled off and the tube station rigged with explosives. A Mad Max/Escape From New York/Doomsday scenario plays out over the final week, only with much lower production values.

    The survivors’ petty squabbles and infidelities are forgotten as the square descends into a battle royale with the end of each day’s carnage marked by the mournful toot of a teary eyed Sonia’s trumpet.

  39. Roy Cropper breaks out of the Weatherfield Asylum Complex for the Criminally Insane and just goes on a mad rampage around Albert Square, under the alias Cropper the Chopper on account of his signature finishing move – chopping cunts’ cocks off with a bread knife – a delayed onset of sexual trauma manifesting as compulsive sexual violence to compensate for being Coronation Street’s laughing stock after Haley came out as Harold right before she died from cancer of the cock & balls.

  40. People start getting raptured to where it’s just the people with a list of crimes and misdeeds left. They then start getting haunted by digitally reanimated legends of the show, Arthur and Pauline Fowler, Dot and Ethel until they can’t take any more. Ian Beale decides to get out not knowing if he’ll be raptured or have to spend his remaining time with the miscreants. He hears there’s a pub for sale up north so he buys The Woolpack and moves to Emmerdale.

    The remaining residents dissipate leaving only Phil. Phil walks in the pub and wipes his brow. Grant steps out from the back and they embrace in a tender kiss. They were never actually brothers but lovers. The square drove them apart. Grant has been abducting people and just leaving piles of clothes around to make it look like they’ve been raptured. Now that the square is empty they are going to turn it into the new trendy part of London and charge eight grand a month for a flat.

    They step outside to view their new kingdom but who should be standing there but Nick Cotton? But luckily it’s just a cardboard cut out with a hidden tape recorder. Grant looks at his phone and it’s the lawyer confirming all the property is now in his and Phil’s names and the can crack on with their plan. Nothing can go wrong now.

    Then, behold a pale horse, it’s only the final of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They had been so wrapped up in their plan that they’d not even noticed the aspects of the revelation playing out. Finally death has come for them.

    The camera pans out and right in the middle of the square the TARDIS starts to fade in (womp womp womp). The camera fades and a mash-up of the Eastenders and doctor who theme tunes play.

  42. Story lines just wind up with a fizzle. Last episode is mostly just amicable. Last 15 mins is just market trading and chit chat. Last 5 is just the £1 fish guy singing us out.

  44. I’ve not watched Eastenders in absolute yonks, but I’m going to try and answer this fairly seriously.

    Eastenders’ key driver, plot narratives, and message, is family. Family is everything, you can always rely on family, even if it’s just that you can rely on them letting you down.

    So if I was ending it, the families have to go.

    Albert Square is actually a fairly nice, traditional, leafy, and I would imagine very desirable London address. It has a tube station, a pub, a laundrette, cafes and restaurants, and a daily(?) outdoor market. It’s a sensational place to live really.

    Ian Beale fixed up his house and sells it for a couple of million. That’s the first big item. He’s inherited that house, has always been pretty shrewd, and can see that London property is insanely priced. He cashes in, he moves to Norwich, he buys a decent pad there and he gets a job managing a Sainsbury’s. He takes as many fuckin’ family members he has with him. The person who buys the house keeps it empty.

    Phil Mitchell retires and sells the Arches to someone who transforms the space in to a brewery and taproom, as an antidote to the really cliquey pub over the road. The new owner commutes in to Walford from Loughton on the tube each day.

    The Vic gets taken over by Hawksmoor, and becomes a destination in its own right. The Carters, is it? They leave.

    Is it still Beale’s Caff? It probably is. Beale’s Caff becomes a Costa.

    Walford itself, we know it has a tube station, and it’s fairly close to Shoreditch, Kingsland. That outdoor market goes very upmarket indeed. Home made quilts, tapestries, candles and soaps mingle with a bevvy of international foods, stalls and trucks. Albert Square becomes a fairly minor but highly celebrated lunch destination for the no-socks twats who work in media on Old Street.

    Gentrification prices the Slaters, Fowlers and the Wellards out of Walford, and they all move to Chippenham, Gravesend and Peterborough respectively.

    The Brannings stay, and maybe the final shot of my Eastenders is Max putting his house up for sale too, before shagging the leggy and buxom estate agent.

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