(No kids yet, but hoping to start trying ~2 years from now)
My spouse and I are both well-educated and have good careers. We divide finances proportionately to respective incomes, but:
– She chose a lower-paying, more fulfilling career than I did
– She does not work full time, and takes a plethora of unpaid time off
– As a result, she earns far less than I do
We had initially agreed that she would take on more work around the house since she works fewer hours, and would be a “house spouse” during her time off, but she tends to do things for her parents and brother instead- babysitting her nephew, taking him to and from appointments and extracurriculars, driving her parents around 4x per week (brother is supposed to do it 2x per week)
^^^^^^^^^^^.
She doesn’t feel comfortable telling her immediate family “no” when they ask her for something, so as a result, I’m taking on 50+% of the housework, despite bringing home twice as much and working twice as many hours. I’ve tried talking to her about this, but she told me that she wouldn’t want to deal with the consequences of putting her foot down with them
19 comments
Should probably adjust your thought process here. You’re keeping a scorebook and that will only lead to resentment.
It’s not 50/50 in marriage it’s 100/100. If there’s things you’d appreciate being done, ask. Otherwise the dishes can get done tomorrow morning instead of at night. If you’re making good money and you’re household runs fairly smoothly, great. When a child enters the fold you’ll be grateful for that.
But caution you sound like someone who will feel entitled because you “make more” when your wife is caring for a newborn. I’ve done both breadwinner and caretaker and let me tell you staying home is a hell of a lot harder than going to work.
>she told me that she wouldn’t want to deal with the consequences of putting her foot down with them
Truly amazing that she said this and sees nothing wrong with it.
When she has to choose who to make unhappy, she picks you. You get punished for being reasonable, for not reacting strongly. She would rather make you suffer than deal with the “consequences” of saying “no” to adults.
If she can’t see how disgusting it is to treat your partner that way, then you will probably have to make it so that the consequences of your unhappiness are no longer something that can be ignored. Only then will she stop picking her family over you by default.
Truthfully this doesn’t sound like a work philosophy issue and it sounds like a toxic family situation on her part. Consequences of putting her foot down? What does that mean? Are they threatening to cut her off from family? Do they belittle her for choosing your family over her immediate family? Is she from a non-white culture where immediate family comes first?
It’s not fair to you to be placed second bc imo once married your husband is now your family but it’s odd to me she is afraid of the consequences of not basically being a unpaid nanny and ride share service to her family.
I can see helping out but if she feels she can’t say no they must have done or said something to give her that impression. Do you know why?
So my husband makes significantly more than me, but we split bills and most large purchases for the house 50/50. We live a life that’s comfortable on my income. Everything is in my name as well. He also pays for almost all the food and I buy a lot of house related necessities (yard maintenance things, cleaning supplies, bookshelves, etc). I also tend to do more housework. If he CHOOSES to work less hours or get a lower paying job, that just means less disposable income for him, but I still expect 50/50 on bills and housework. If he gets into an accident, he loses his job, or something else that is mostly out of his control, that’s a different story. But it sounds like your wife is being a doormat to her family at both of your expense. She’s choosing to not contribute equally. Don’t have a kid with her unless you want to double your workload. If you have a prenup, I’d say divorce. The resentment isn’t something you can come back from and it doesn’t sound like she cares
I haven’t made it all the way through your post and I know already I see you treat your marriage like a business transaction. I don’t really see teamwork, equity, and joint decision making.
The value of a partner is reduced to the income brought in or the physical benefit they bring to making the household function.
Your wife has a career she enjoys, with flexibility for her to be of great assistance to her family of which she finds rewarding and fulfilling.
Yet you look down on her for it because you have to do more housework that apparently you don’t think you should have to do because of how much you make. You make so much hire a maid.
I would hate being married to someone that made me feel alone. Made me feel like I don’t make the right decisions and it hurts them. While they didn’t do anything to actually support a team environment in our marriage and like we are in this together.
My advice, just get divorced if you think all your money is yours, hers is hers, and she owes you something special because she makes less. Because it’s going to go that way at the end of the day anyways.
If you want to change it, combine finances and start making decisions together as a team. Support her and help her draw boundaries if she feels she needs them. However in this post you want her to draw boundaries because you want more housework done. You didn’t say it’s because she doesn’t want to take time to help family.
But instead of making it her problem she has to deal with, act like a partner and help her. How can we draw boundaries? How can we set up better expectations? How can we organize this better for us?
Dealing with complex family issues is hard. It’s not easy. And you are just sending her out to do it all alone with no backup. Come on man that’s not being a husband.
You have a problem. Your wife needs to put your family and you first, before her parents and her brother.
You might be incompatible with core vision on how family should be set up and priorities. You better off address these issues before having kids. They will only make things more complicated.
> she told me that she wouldn’t want to deal with the consequences of putting her foot down with them
Well, you two are similar in this regard. The income difference isn’t the problem but the part where you are working significantly longer hours while still doing more than half of the house work is insane. She knows you will put up with her regardless and isn’t worried about pissing you off because of that. She is putting her family first because it’s more convenient for her. Wait until you get this under control before having kids because stress with kids will make things much worse.
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Right now your wife is prioritizing her family and not you as a couple because it is more convenient for her. Her family is happy and you take care of things at home. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about this and start putting yourself first.
She’s going back on your agreement. Would she be okay if you just quit your job and stopped paying for things? It sounds like a really weird dynamic that she can’t say no to her parents/family. I would hold off on having kids with this person until she figures that out. You are subsidizing care for her immediate family. It kind of sounds like you are just more ambitious than her too. I don’t really understand adults that choose not to work at the expense of someone else.
It’s a not a difference in work philosophies. She prioritizes other people before you and you get to pay the price. Don’t have children until this is settled. Heck, don’t stay married if she never learns to put you first.
Ok! This I can help with out of experience!
So in hindsight we both should have laid out what we felt like were expectations & obligations to each other prior to marriage – possibly even make it official in a pre nuptial agreement
I also have a very smart wife who had a great job prior to marriage and subsequent downsized that aspect – initially I employed her within my practice as admin but this part time job was treated as more of a favor to me and often took a back seat to other priorities such as family etc — in the moment not really something that seems so far fetched until the result of work not being accomplished in a timely manner or a one household income starts to show its effects
Once you have a mortgage, kids etc all of sudden the one sided burden gets heavier especially as you age and resentment sets in … at this point it is very difficult to course correct since the two of you have different ideas of what the status quo is
On the brink of divorce, we came to the decision to sign a post nuptial dividing our financial situations completely going forward and splitting assets accrued prior to the post nuptial on the basis of ratio of gross income earned (along with associated future expenses towards those assets in same ratio)
Once doing this neither of us have any reason to complain about the other — work as hard or as little as you want to b/c you are assured to reap the rewards or consequences yourself in the event of a divorce … sharing is at the choice of each party as they deem fit
Ironically once this arrangement was discussed, my wife enrolled in law school where she will be a sizable contributor upon graduation … all comes down to how secure your footing is
Some people on the thread will claim marriage gives equal right to everything but then conveniently forget with those rights comes equal responsibility … different strokes for different folks
My suggestion is have your wife sign a post nuptial dividing past & future assets based on your gross incomes while dividing household chores evenly (one or both parties can complete said chores or individually hire someone to accomplish) … it is 2023! Dual income households are the norm for significant parts of the country
Ultimately she needs to decide who her primary allegiance is to — her immediate family, herself or your marriage ? Right now she can come up with every excuse under the sun but it is not the marriage she is prioritizing … do not let her guilt you into looking like the bad guy here
As someone else mentioned it is not 50/50 but rather 100/100 and she is giving you a fraction of her effort which will pain you to not do the same unless rectified
She needs to show the same commitment to your marriage that you do. She can do for her extended family in her free time. YOUR relationship/home needs to come first. If she can’t do that she needs to work FT and use her extra money to hire out her chores. She needs to tell her parents and her brother she will be less available because her marriage is her first priority.
If she can’t do that think long and hard about your marriage. Once kids happen will you be left out? Will you be OK playing second fiddle to her parents/brother forever? Make sure this gets settled for sure before kids!
I’m not saying she can’t help her family but it’s a red flag that she can’t tell them no. My husband was like this and turns out his family was enmeshed.
Honestly, if she has no spine when it comes to her family, you want to have kids with her?
Pretty much guaranteed it would get 100x worse at that point.
Did she marry you? You should be her priority, just as she should be yours. Learn safe communication skills and talk about this. She should not be divided between you and her family, you ARE her family.
Keeping a scoresheet like she’s a roommate ripping you off is only going to make you angry and resentful.
SAHW now. 12th year of marriage. I do all the cooking & cleaning.
When we both worked full time we hired a maid we paid $150 to come out twice monthly ($25 an hr).
We also would split chores my husband preferred the dishes. Which his kids would end up doing as chores. I did trash & laundry. We split cooking 50/50 & ate out frequently.
Pay for a maid from her income if she refuses to help clean around the house. I used to be the one who got stuck with the majority of cleaning, we both worked full time but my husband income was double. Hiring a maid benefited us both, no more resentment.
Sorry. As you explain it this marriage is lopsided. Marriage is a team effort.
This isn’t a work ethic problem. This is your wife is still an adult child. Her parents need to stop being so lazy and entitled. They may be aging, but they don’t need to leave their house 6 days a week. They can Irvine errands and shopping into 1-2 days a week. They can schedule doctors appointments around the 1-2 days a week they can get a ride, or learn how buses and Ubers work.
Your wife made a commitment to you. You guys are supposed to come first not the family of Irvin’s. This is only going to get worse if you add a baby into the mix. Your wife and her brother need to stand up to them and say enough is enough.
> I’ve tried talking to her about this, but she told me that she wouldn’t want to deal with the consequences of putting her foot down with them
It doesn’t sound like she actually wants to be spending this much time doing favours for her family – she needs to find a way to say no. I think it’s fair to sit down with her and discuss this.
My husband and I have a similar arrangement to yours: he works full-time, I work part-time and take care of the cooking, shopping, cleaning and laundry. I take these tasks seriously and I see completing them as the other half of my “work hours” – it works for us, since he hates housekeeping chores and I enjoy them, for the most part.