Hey! Throwaway for obvious reasons.
Me and my girlfriend met each other like two years ago and had a super fun, engaging, and exciting sex life for a long time. We’d see each other 2-4x a week and always have sex that we both (at least she claims) to have enjoyed.
Recently however in the last 4 months or so her sex drive has dwindled. We’ve had sex like 4 times total in that span, and I’ve had to initiate every time. A lot of times I try to initiate and she rejects it too, so I back off. She barely even touches me anymore. Before we’d cuddle and she’d make small intimate touches (not inherently sexual, but like rubbing your back or leg, kissing your cheek or neck, etc) and that’s gone too. She says doesn’t know why her sex drive is dwindling
It’s really wearing down on me. I know she’s got a LOT of stuff going on in her personal life and I’ve tried being supportive. I’ve even offered to help her and pay for counseling or therapy to see if that helps her deal with the things stressing her out. I don’t push or try to coerce her or talk her into sex or anything either, but she’s realizing I’m acting different and is upset that I’m upset about the lack of sex and intimacy. I want sex a minimum of like twice a week (more is preferable) and going on 4 months of this is hard. It’s gotten so bad that I actually will sometimes have to leave the room get off in the bathroom at night while she sleeps so I can go to sleep due to how frustrated I get. She found out about this though and thinks I’m being disrespectful and disgusting, even though I’m literally doing it instead of pressuring her.
She claims to still like me, but it really doesn’t feel that way at all. I just feel like if she did like me she’d make an effort to fix what’s stressing her out. I don’t even care if it doesn’t work, but it feels like she’s not even making the effort.
I know it’s shitty sounding, but I can’t emphasize enough that I get she’s stressed and I’m definitely trying to give her space and time while also helping her and keeping other areas of our relationship healthy and good. But she’s really upset and angry that I have this need that’s going unmet and that it’s frustrating me.
Advice? Am I wrong for being frustrated even though I’m trying my best to not take it out on her? And is it so horrible of me to jerk off in another room?
3 comments
Cut your losses my man. People go through rough patches in life but if she’s unresponsive to you for 4 months even when you’re trying to help her emotionally then I don’t think the long term outlook of the relationship is very good.
A couple with different sex drives is very common but that difference can be hard to resolve without a ton of work, patience, and most importantly, mutual commitment.
First establish how important sex actually is to *both* of you in the context of your relationship, i.e. you ask “do we both agree with we want sex and sexual intimacy to be a core part of our relationship?”
Let’s say you both agree “yes, sex is important to us.” So the next step is for the two of you to talk through, “what can we do together to create a fulfilling sex life that doesn’t starve one person or flood the other?”
Basically, you start to figure out what realistic compromises look like. There can be all kinds of things couples can try out but just so there’s no illusions here, the goal isn’t for each of you to get 100% of what you want, it’s to find a middle ground that sustains your relationship in a meaningful way.
And again, it’s not just about “how often do we have sex?” even though that’s an easily quantifiable mark. Sexual intimacy can be achieved through various approaches that aren’t just about PIV or oral or whatever. If both of you are in this together, then you can get creative with thinking about what other kinds of intimacy may help keep that spark alive without it being the same kinds of sex you typically have.
This all starts with agreeing to work on this as a couple. If the two of you can’t agree on that, well, that’s a pretty irreconcilable difference that could lead to the dissolution of your relationship. That’s a possibility that all couples have to take seriously, and not shy away from if it’s what makes the most sense. The alternative is being stuck in a relationship that gets increasingly undermined by frustration and resentment.
For folks in your situation, I also highly recommend “[the dead bedroom repair manual](https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ)” by Melody Parker, who is a psychologist that gathered a lot of her information on couples, dealing with sexual mismatches, by being on Reddit!
Last thing I’ll say for now: beware the partner who says “I’ll try harder/be better” if there’s no specific discussion of what that means. That applies to *both* of you. It’s important to remember that while someone with low libido appears to be the “problem” to someone with high libido, your partner probably sees you and your sex drive as “the problem.” There’s nothing righteous about having a high libido nor is there anything problematic with having a low one. These are differences but the moment we begin asserting our position as the “right one” (i.e. my high libido is normal but your low libido is not), you’re turning a difference into a debate and no one is going to be turned on by someone trying to debate with them.
Stress and anxiety are the biggest libido killers. If you’re not getting anywhere after 4 months it’s not likely to change any time soon.