I have this unsettled feeling that something is going on and that my boyfriend [M31] is hiding something from me [F27].
So a few things have happened after I addressed his low sex drive towards me, regularly going 2 weeks without physical intimacy.
This all happened over a course of the last 5 weeks.
I was away for work, and addressed with him that our physical intimacy is a concern because he leaves me 2 – 3 weeks on end without anything but would constantly tease me. And I’ve found our that he leaves me hanging but relieves himself to porn which hurt me.
When I got back from my trip he suddenly had a higher drive and we had sex almost every second day for about 2 weeks.
Note that this was my last business trip, I used to travel one week a month, but it stopped completely since.
After the 2 weeks of increased physical intimacy it decreased significantly again.
He used to always do lots of foreplay, and since, when we have sex, there is barely any foreplay, it feels like he just wants to get it over and done with. And when there is foreplay his erection goes away.
Also one time, I caught him starting at the wall, bluntly with almost no emotion or expression, as if he wasn’t enjoying it at all.
His erections are also not really hard anymore, he is much more flacid (soft), and he has struggled to finish off sometimes, and about 3 times has not finished off at all.
Sometimes he is not fully erect when we start having sex. Sometimes he will completely lose his erection while we are busy having sex.
He has previously asked me if I have watched porn with someone while being intimate, I said no, and that I am open to doing it with him and it sounds exciting, but nothing came from that.
After that, I have found that he had relieved himself to porn twice while leaving me deprived when he knew I was sexually frustrated due to him teasing me.
I never check his phone, as I respect his privacy. But he has always been one to clear his browsing history after every search, no matter what the search.
The one day he was on Social Media and on suggested videos there were many videos popping up relating to only fans, and sexual content. This was very strange to me as it’s never been the case previously. And I know there is an algorithm based on browsing history. He acted surprised and said this is so weird, but as he scrolled the same suggested content kept popping up. And I mentioned to him it might be an algorithm based on his browsing history.
I felt very unsettled about this, and we were on our way out, so I never mentioned it because he gets an aggressive tone when I discuss sex related things.
He kept asking me if I’m okay, and he can sense something is bothering and kept asking if he had done something wrong.
He has also not really watched suggested videos ons social media after this.
The other day I raised a conversation on porn, after a male friend shared with me that porn caused him issues in terms of getting an erection and performing during sex. And that my male friend says it affected his sex life negatively.
When I raised this, my boyfriend started defending porn in an aggressive tone saying that it is actually great for increasing sex drive and for increasing testosterone and that it has many benefits.
So I asked why someone would rather watch porn when they have someone at home who really wants to have sex with them regularly. His tone was still aggressive and he responded that it is very controlling if a man can’t watch porn because his girlfriend wants to have sex. And that he doesn’t need to have sex when he is horny because sometimes they might be more in the mood for porn as opposed to having sex.
I’ve at times entered the room and then he very suddenly tilts and locks his phone, or at least so it looked from my view.
About a week and a half ago when I got home from work, we were laying next to each other and he told me I smelt funny, and I said that’s weird as I was wearing perfume and the smell normally stays all day. He went on about it saying I smell like dick. That sweaty type smell. I was very surprised because I don’t even hug my male colleagues and he just said that’s weird.
He has also recently started making funny comments when I say oh do you remember this, then he says no it’s probably your other boyfriend in a jokey manner. And I’ve told him that I’m not too fond of those jokes because it’s not my character to do something like that. But he keeps making them.
Is he hiding something? Am I overthinking it? I really need insight on what could be going on. I constantly have this unsettled feeling in my stomach and feel like he is hiding something from me.
8 comments
Sounds like a porn addiction.
i mean for me those comments about smelling like dick makes me think he is cheating and wants to put it on you to make it out like you are, when you go away and come back and sex happens a lot more.. that is a potential sign of cheating, as horrible as it might be, he might not be attracted to you anymore and is a coward so wants you to split up with him, might be time for a serious conversation not just about sex in my opinion.. but it could just be porn addiction as well
He needs to seek help for his porn addiction
It’s not porn addition per sey, it’s over indulgence in porn and his fantasies are more arousing than having sex with you.
He’s obviously a manipulator, we can all manipulate, it’s certainly one of the least appealing traits of the human.. he’s playing with your emotions and deflecting from the issue at hand. He knows you don’t smell of dick and he knows it’s not your “other boyfriend”.
Unless you can figure out his sexual fantasies or sneak a screen recorder on his phone you need to get him to open up to you about his fantasies.
Aim to be super nonjudgemental. What you need to do is push his arousal buttons. He’s a highly sexed man so it should be hard. Problem is be prepared for some harsh realities, being that he might fantasise about something that could potentially upset you.
If you can get out of him what he fantasizes about then you can try to replicate them in the bedroom. He will be the happiest man on the planet and it will renew and significantly increase his desire for you and you’ll be beating him off with a sick. Mark my words. From man that’s been in his position trust me
This sounds almost exactly like what I went through with my husband’s porn addiction. The defensive responses, denial that it’s happening… yeah. For my husband, after a good bit of therapy, we came to understand that it was an unhealthy coping technique for anxiety that he didn’t know how to manage. It took awhile and me planning to leave for him to finally deal with it and honestly, it wasn’t until many weeks of therapy that he actually came to see how problematic his behavior was, both with the porn and with his behavior surrounding it (hiding, lying, defensiveness). If he’s not willing to do some self exploration, you’re fighting a losing battle.
Cheaters have this funny habit of accusing their partner of cheating. He could be partaking in only fans or something more personal than searchable porn videos and may be feeling guilt of being attracted to a specific person other than you. Or he may have a kink he’s reluctant to share and indulges by watching that specific type of porn. Or he could be cheating.
At the end of the day, if he doesn’t communicate you’re in the dark. If you never get an answer, can you live with it? Good luck OP.
A lot of people in here are saying porn addiction but it doesn’t look like that’s the main reason. To me it looks like insecurity, judging from his conversations with you and the business trips you go on all the time and the fact that you talk about sex with your male friends. It’s sounds like he thinks you’re cheating and is quiet quitting the relationship
Honestly he sounds like he’s not that vested in his relationship with you. If he’s withholding sex, fantasized about other women, watches porn constantly and is being a spiteful mouthed d*ck and hiding stuff on his phone…why care? He sounds like an asshole and you definitely need to dump him and stop wasting your time.