I (44F) need help figuring out if I’m in love with my husband (46M) or another woman (38F)
How do you know who you are in love with?
I am in a horrible situation and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy because I am feeling so very alone in my thoughts.
I have been married for 23 years to a man that I share a lot in common with. I love him but I’m not sure that I’m in love with him.
I recently met a woman who I am so very attracted to and I share so much in common with her as well. I fantasize about being with her on a regular basis and I truly feel like I am in love with her but maybe it is just lust.
Now, I am a major over-thinker and I have thought through everything. I know that relationships that are started as affairs do not work out 95% of the time. I haven’t cheated but the thought has crossed my mind. I know that if I leave my husband that I shouldn’t roll right into another relationship. And I’m not really asking for advice on what I should do. Feel free to comment with your advice if you’d like and I will gladly take it to heart. I’m also not asking for advice on understanding my sexuality. I am super confused and once again, would gladly take advice but that is not the purpose of this post. I know that my relationship with my husband is lacking and that is why I am looking elsewhere but this is where I’m at and I trying my best to cope with my reality now.
What I’m asking is a general – how do you know who you are in love with? How do you know who you have chemistry with? One minute of the day, I’m certain that I’m in love with my husband. And the next, I’m certain I’m in love with this woman. Maybe I’m not in love with either. How does one know whether it is true love?
TL;DR: I am so overwhelmed with emotions of my current circumstance and I struggle to “see” clearly right now. I need some simple words of wisdom on what love is to you. How do you know who you are in love with if your heart is torn between two people?
6 comments
Cut this woman out of your life immediately. Even if you want to pursue a relationship with her, if you start now, you are building your foundation on sand.
Cut her out, give it 6 months since your last contact (of any kind, even seeing her), then decide if you want a divorce. If you want a divorce once the influence of an outside party has been removed, you have your answer.
You can’t make a logical decision in your current state, the proper way to do it is to remove as much outside influence as possible.
If you’ve been with your husband for 23 years and still love him, staying would be your best bet. It would be better to work on making the marriage better by spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together. That’s Willard Harley of Marriage Builders and His Needs Her Needs plan. He thinks the 15 hours a week is critical, more important than spending time with kids or at work. Couples who put in the time together find that they bond and get happier together.
If you just met the woman you are attracted to lately, it is most likely limerence and temporary. I wouldn’t be too concerned about your sexuality because many people fall in limerence or love with a certain person regardless of their gender.
You have also used one of what many of us think as a code phrase that is used often by those who are married but infatuated by another person.
BTW, is this woman signaling that she is interested in you?
Don’t jump from a *23 year* marriage into another relationship. That would be a massive mistake. Either commit to your husband and stop feeding the crush or divorce and still stop feeding the crush because you will need at least 1 year at the absolute bare minimum to fully recover from a divorce.
It sounds like you’re having a, the grass is greener on the other side, problem.
What stresses you out more, having your husband or losing him? Having her or losing her? If you left your husband, would you be happy, or is it the idea of something different?
I strongly suggest you go be by yourself. If you are here asking this you have already cheated on your husband. Yes, it is just an emotional affair and yes it may be unintentional (Never mind you comments prove this is a full blown intentional affair) but you shouldn’t have reached this point ever with out talking to him and being honest.
I genuinely suggest you confess to him about all of this. Apologize and request a divorce. Make this as amicable as possible. Get some distance from both your husband and this woman. You clearly aren’t capable of making a rational decision while either is influencing you heavily.
This is just my 2 cents. However, honesty is always a fairly safe bet when you manage to screw your life up. Having am affair and destroying your husband’s life should really be your biggest concern. Not how to proceed best for yourself.
How about growing up – your 44! It’s seems your husband has done to warrant this.I hope he sees this and dumps you and goes on to meet someone who actually appreciates him. Then you can sit at you crappy little apartment and tend to your 29 cats because, news flash , you’ll be invisible from a dating standpoint