Abortion is illegal here. She’s already made an appointment with a doctor to get birth control, and I’m completely fine with using condoms.
Pills + condoms seem like the ideal combo which should give us 100% certainty, am I wrong? She told me she won’t have sex till we open together a savings account. She already told me how much money we should have which she calculated based on the cost of a trip to our neighboring country and cost of the abortion + some extra money.
Of course I won’t insist – if that’s what she wants, I agree. But isn’t it a bit paranoid? Is this approach normal?
For more context, we’re not poor or anything. We’re young, don’t have much savings at the moment but we’re doing just fine.
44 comments
Opening a bank account with someone seems like a pretty serious commitment for sex. With that said though, it’s her prerogative to dictate the terms she’ll enter into a sexual relationship under, and it’s up to you to decide whether that’s something you want or not. Certainly an abnormal situation though, especially considering the unlikely odds of her getting pregnant with the pill and condoms.
Well even pills + condoms is not 100%. Almost nothing is 100% except maybe a hysterectomy or menopause. Even vasectomies fail sometimes.
So maybe it’s a good decision to be able to deal financially with that small risk. I respect her decision, now it’s your turn to decide.
I think she’s being very smart here. Your plan for contraception is a good one, but I really like her approach to making sure she has the funds on hand to deal with an accident. That way you’re not scrambling for the money in an emergency.
Her stance is very rigid but if that’s essential for her to be able to enjoy PIV sex it is what it is. Maybe in the meantime while you are saving up money you can enjoy sex together that will definitely not lead to pregnancy (oral for example). Of course be smart about STD risks etc
I actually think she’s being really pragmatic in light of some harsh realities. Is this unusual? Yes it is but the logic behind it isn’t bad.
**Edit**: The more I think about it, the more I’m impressed by your GF’s ideas here. Like, this is some shit they should be teaching in sex ed.
It sucks but this is the current climate, unfortunately.
Accidents can happen. Condoms and birth control can both fail, and while it is crazy unlikely that they both would at the same time, having a back-up plan is sensible.
Pills and condoms are not 100 percent effective and it’s perfectly reasonable for women to not sleep with you because they’re solely on the hook for life for when it fails
Move to a place that values human rights
Abortion is illegal where you are. She’s not being paranoid she’s being smart.
Having money set aside is smart. Having a joint account seems… odd…
I mean unless there is some caveat where money cannot be taken out unless you are both there, in which case fine. Oh, and there needs to be an agreement in place as to everyone getting their money from the account equitably should the relationship end.
This is a very good idea. Ideally, you BOTH should be contributing to it, though.
Lol trust me, if it was your body on the line, you wouldn’t think it was paranoia.
Condoms and the pill are not 100% and pregnancy is a body altering, life changing circumstance even if abortion is possible.
Story time. I met my now husband, was on birth control and 18 years old. I got pregnant. We didn’t have enough money. Had to ask secretly to borrow from a second cousin who thankfully agreed. Took forever to pay her back. We now have been married 12 years, dated for almost 20, and have two awesome kids and a wonderful life. If we had had a child at 18, I think things would have turned out very differently. While I do think she’s being extremely careful, I can safely say that 20 years from now you might thank her. 😌
Your girlfriend is smart
This is what I would do if abortion was illegal in my country tbh.
Good for your lady. She is trying to make you a responsible adult.
It’s not the dumbest idea to have money sitting around for a worst case scenario as the pill and condoms can still fail.
Having a shared bank account for it specifically though? Seems a bit much and it would probably be easier to just having it sit in your own accounts and you then withdraw your share if need be
She’s saying this for pragmatism. I can completely understand being anxious (I think ‘paranoia’ is more pejorative than it needs to be) in a milieu where authorities are potentially able to and showing interest in accessing period tracking apps (!)
You seem to be currently ‘receiving’ what she is saying as a combo of — your words — ‘paranoia’ and ‘if that’s what she wants, I agree.’ I know that it might seem like it superficially, but this isn’t aimed ‘at’ you.
There is no ‘normal’ approach with the assault on reproductive rights nowadays, so I don’t think we can or should parse what is normal for someone being concerned about their own autonomy.
It sounds to me like once these things are ticked off then she does want to be intimate with you. Supporting her in her emotions is part of that intimacy too, y’know. I’d rather suspect that you seeing things through her eyes will play a role in a mutually fulfilling sex life, if you see my point.
Be well.
A friend in high school was taking birth control and using condoms… Her accident baby is 16 years old now.
She’s not paranoid, she’s protecting herself. Nothing is 100% and one single *accident* can absolutely destroy her life.
For you it’s an orgasm, for her it’s her body autonomy and entire life decided based on a chance.
That does not give 100% certainty nothing does except not having sex.
Don’t assume pills and a condom makes you immune to pregnancy that is so so wrong
It’s not paranoid it’s smart women’s bodies are under attack. How would you feel if you knew that you could possibly face a major, and risky, medical condition that you would have no choice in? And don’t be too sure about any combination of birth control being 100% certain I knew a lady who got pregnant years after getting her tubes tied she had grandchildren older than that last kid.
An emergency fund incase of an accidental pregnancy? Why NOT?
>But isn’t it a bit paranoid?
My dude, you have no idea how terrifying the prospect of being forced to carry a pregnancy is if you don’t want to do it. It’s a major medical event that can literally kill or maim you. 100% chance of excruciating pain. Good chance of developing a horrific secondary complication, like PPD or tearing or your teeth falling out. I’ve had actual recurring nightmares about it since I was 12. I think men don’t realize just how much women worry about this stuff.
>Is this approach normal?
Normal? No. Rational? Absolutely. Your girlfriend is an absolute champion for both planning ahead and having the guts to demand that you prepare to pull your weight. What a rockstar.
FYI my oldest kid was conceived when I was on the pill and my partner was using condoms. I lost 2 teeth and almost died from that pregnancy. If I had to do it over again, I’d have done exactly what your girlfriend is doing. I mean, I love my kid, but my life would have been so much different.
Your girlfriend is so smart!!!! Oh and no, you are not 100% safe with just pills and condoms.
>should give us 100% certainty, am I wrong?
You are wrong, because there’s never a 100% in anything, especially when it comes to protection from unplanned pregnancies.
>But isn’t it a bit paranoid?
Maybe, but it’s a really smart move, and unplanned pregnancies are no joke.
Are you both saving money into this joint account? Or is she not allowed to work in your country?
I’m ok with the idea, except for one sided financial contribution and joint access. Maybe I am jaded.
Damn can I just say, I (28F) am really impressed by all the men leaving comments about how it’s a scary time to be a woman and voicing your support. Please know we appreciate you as allies SO much ❤️
FWIW: As soon as someone explained how much the cost of an abortion was to me, I made it a point to always have that amount in my savings account. Maybe a little odd that she wants it in a joint account, but not really a bad idea if its illegal in your country.
This is just what all child bearing women should be insisting on if they live in an area where abortion is illegal. Pregnancy is not a medically neutral state to be in.
Even if you want the baby, miscarriages happen, and your body doesn’t always naturally dispel the tissue. You may wind up needing the abortion to save your life from the dead tissue inside your womb. Hell, a miscarriage itself is medically considered an abortion, even if you have done nothing wrong and no one has touched you. Sometimes the embryo isn’t viable.
Girlfriend sounds smart as hell tbh
Time is of the essence if one gets pregnant and wants an abortion and has to leave the country to do it. How fucked would both of you be if you had sex and she got pregnant this month? If between you you could cover all those costs today, then you have nothing to worry about but if not, she’s really smart and thoughtful.
It’s sensible but I advise against a joint bank account, especially with somebody you’re not married to.
Honestly seems a bit overboard but nice she’s prepared to undergo an abortion and have a financial plan for you two. Way cheaper than 18yrs of child support.
Just be careful if both of you are signed as account holders she could just withdrawl all the money as soon as you deposit it. Might be worth drawing up a contract to state that it is only to be used to fund an abortion if it were to happen between you two.
You’re already jumping thru a lot of hoops doesn’t hurt to be extra safe if you’ve got hundreds or thousands of dollars on the line in her name
My first thought was a south american country, then I remembered that abortion is functionally illegal in most of the US now too. What a 3rd world country…
She is being smart and planning ahead so if she needs an abortion she can get it asap instead of panicking and trying to get money together and possibly having to wait longer to get an abortion. No birth control combo is 100%. Condoms and pills are good together though.
She’s smart, and in the mean time, you can still do things like oral.
Good to have a partner who is careful with money and savings. It can make a big quality of life difference later on.
No birth control is 100% effective.
I like her plan. It is definitely on the cautious side, but it is not paranoid.
You’re very insensitive to the very real risk she is taking by having sex with you.
Her body.
Her future plans.
Her emotions.
Her peace of mind.
Her health.
Her time.
Her stigma.
Her life.
Give her the money she wants or go away and find someone else who doesn’t mind their life being jeopardized so you can have sex without any concerns being discussed or contingency plans being put in place.
I think if there’s no access to safe abortions where upu are then she’s being sensible.
No condoms + the pill don’t =100% protection from pregnancy. Both have a failure rate, and user effectiveness.
Fairplay to her
Find out about [Pearl Index](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_Index?wprov=sfti1) and do your math.
Spoiler: She is far away from being wrong. Additionally: Illegal abortions are risky, because they are conducted in very dangerous circumstances with risky methods.
It is a shocking reprimand to the state of the world that any woman feels this is necessary, but yeah, that’s a depressingly sensible request for her to make.
prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
While you are at it you should consider if there are ways you can get involved politically so that your partner can have equal rights.
Save the money because none of the birth control is 💯% effective. The fact that you said a neighboring country should also scare you. She’s being well responsible, best of luck