**TL;DR I’m really into Facesitting/69, my wife has told me that it’s unsexy and makes her uncomfortable, but she’ll do it for me. I feel like an awful person if I accept her compromise. What do I do? Am I a bad person?**
Happily married to my wife for quite a few years now, but recently I’ve wanted to get more adventurous when it comes to sex. I was raised with a lot of religious guilt, and I taken advantage of by a gf when I was 14 and so I’ve always viewed my sexual desires as something to be ashamed of.
My wife and I have been married for a few years, and while we have some dry spells, I’d say that our sex life has been good. I was \*technically\* a virgin when we were married, as she was my first PIV, and she had a few more partners before me. Not a big deal at all.
As I’ve gotten to explore my sexuality, I’ve found that I’m into much more kinky stuff than my wife as the years have passed. Mostly, I really really enjoy oral sex (69 and face sitting, I would choose this over PIV sex any day of the week), I want to experiment with really light bondage, roleplay and maybe pegging. As I mentioned, this has all come out within the last 6 months, as my wife has let me know that it’s okay to talk to her about the things I want and work through a lot of shame I had built up around sex.
The problem with all of this is that my wife is very vanilla. She’s incredible, but it’s like the things that I want are completely foreign and unsexy to her. When we talked about the things that I like, I sent her a list asking her to place a green check by what she’s comfortable with, yellow for a maybe and red for a hard no. I thought we had gotten to a place where we had a good understanding, and were a little more free to explore.
Even with this list and these conversations, she refuses to initiate or take the lead in doing anything outside of missionary sex. If I buy her lingerie, she’ll pretend like she has forgotten about it and plop into bed naked, even if she promised to wear it. Worse, on the off chance she does wear it, she makes us turn off every single light so I can’t see her, which just takes me out of the mood completely. The real issue of her sexual preferences comes down to her being in her own head, but she doesn’t want to be boring because she says that’s dumb.
Recently though and the thing that made me want to come for advice, she has told me that it turns her off when I ask her to do things that make her uncomfortable. I asked her what she meant, and she told me that she absolutely despises oral, receiving or giving because she thinks it’s completely unsexy and me wanting to go down on her made her uncomfortable. As noted above, I have been taken advantage of before, so that immediately made me want to put the brakes on everything. When I pressed her more on where she was coming from, she said she wants to do it for me because it makes me happy and she doesn’t want to be boring.
There lies my dilemma, and I don’t know how to navigate this at all. I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself for wanting something that makes her uncomfortable, I feel really gross asking her to do something for me that she’s admitted she doesn’t like and I feel hurt that when we talked initially, she didn’t tell me it was a red flag. At the same time, I know that she’s offering to do it on occasion, because I’d literally rather do that than have regular sex. At this point, I feel awful because it’s not something I’m willing to give up, but I feel like a predator and selfish and just like the girl who took advantage of me for asking her to do something she told me she isn’t comfortable with. If she’s not safe with me, then I’m not being a good partner.
From a sex positive community, what should I do? Am I taking advantage of her if I continue to press it? I feel like the only reason that she offers to continue is out of obligation, and honestly it sucks if she’s not even into it anyways.. But it’s also not something I feel like I can put off the table completely. What do I do to have this conversation in a way that makes my wife feel safe, heard and seen? Is looking for a compromise making me a bad person?
2 comments
If your wife asked you to do something you found uncomfortable and unappealing, but something you would do because you loved her… Would you want her to feel bad about it? Would you want her to stop asking even though you knew she craves it?
If your wife is willing to do that for you, let her have it. Let her know it won’t kill you if she decides not to… But take yes for an answer and allow it to be one of the small sacrifices we make for the people we love.
I’ve been into kink for a long time now, and I’ve never had a relationship with someone where our kinks all lined up 100%. It’s pretty normal to have to negotiate around kinks.
It sounds like you are dealing with some big feelings right now. That is also normal. There is a lot of emotion built up around recognizing our kinks for the first time, and revealing them to a partner. You are probably feeling like she is rejecting YOU when she isn’t into your kinks. Those are feelings that you need to learn to deal with. A sex-positive therapist might be worth considering.
It is normal in the kink community to have sex sessions where one partner indulges the other partner. It is not reasonable for you to demand how she feel about your kinks. It is reasonable for her, knowing how she feels about them, to decide to do them anyway because she loves you and she wants you to be happy. Would you be able and willing to do that for her? If yes, then don’t take the opportunity to do that away from her.
Do recognize that if she does decide to indulge you, she is doing it for you. Not for her. You don’t get to demand it. You do get to appreciate it. Make sure she feels loved and appreciated, because she is doing a big thing for you.