Looking for advice but also venting..
I (29F) am starting to notice a pattern in my spouse (37M) when we are arguing. He will threaten to divorce me, leave our family home, etc. When he first told me this during an argument in 2019, I was DEVASTATED because I truly believed in our wedding vows (“for better or worse,” “till death do us part,” etc) and couldn’t believe that he would want to divorce over something that was fixable (communication issues) and didn’t involve anything beyond repair such as abuse, infidelity, lying, etc.
Four years later and he continues to say this during arguments. Before it would hurt me so much that I would cry, get depressed, apologize to him for whatever it was that I was doing that was making him want to get a divorce, and then work on trying to correct the problem. However, as time went on the issues he had with me would keep changing and it became hard to keep up with everything he expected out of me. Also, I believe I have become use to him saying these things during an argument because last year I eventually got tired of hearing him threaten divorce and told him that I agreed to a separation. He quickly changed his tune and then stated that he prefers to work on our marriage.
This past week has sent me over the edge and I don’t know what to do from here. I got home from taking my state boards (one of the hardest exams I’ve taken in my life btw) and about an hour later he calmly told me he called a divorce attorney and wants to split up (we were arguing the day before my exam). Maybe it was from the exhaustion of just taking my boards but instead of getting hurt and emotional about it I thanked him for telling me how he was feeling and that I wasn’t meeting his needs & although it’s not what I wanted we just need to rip the bandaid off and do it instead of continuing to talk about it.
NOW, he is again talking about reconciling but I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore… I’m tired of being hurt, tired of not being good enough, tired of punishing myself for his feelings about me, and tired of having to change myself to be the wife he wants. Since I’m not biting the bait about reconciling this time, he’s now telling me that he feels like he’s “begging” to be with me and that I’m not coming up with any solutions to reconcile which is hurting HIM.
Sorry if this is rambling on but Im confused, exhausted, emotionally drained and would like to know if this is considered gaslighting? If not, what would you call it?
*Please note that I am already in counseling for myself and have been for the past 3 years. I also have to take anxiety meds. We’ve done couples counseling sessions before but he ultimately stops going because he doesn’t believe they truly help him and just want the $.
8 comments
I don’t believe this is gaslighting. It does seem cruel and manipulative, however.
It’s not gaslighting
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting
but I would definitely call it abusive and and manipulative
Why would you want to continue living this way with this person?
This isn’t gaslighting, it’s pure manipulation. But regardless of what it’s called, you don’t have to live with it.
If he won’t go to counseling AND you’re willing to give him one more chance, then sit him down and tell him that this is it. You will agree to stay together and work on your communication issues, but this is absolutely the last time. Next time he threatens to leave or file for divorce, there’s no walking back from it.
But… that’s only if you actually want to save this relationship. Based on what you’ve written, he’s not looking to change, he just wants to be in control. So, if you’re done, then take him at his word, file for divorce yourself and regain control of your life.
Of course it’s all up to you about your future,
BUT he’s emotionally treating you like a yo yo. He would get you upset, make you feel remorse and then when that stopped working he’d act like he was in love and blame it all on you again.
In my definition, that’s massive emotional control. Yikes.
It’s not gaslighting but consistently bringing up divorce is manipulative. Also, based on your ages when this started, you were 25 and he was 33, makes me curious how old you were when you two got together. It sounds like he may have went for someone younger than him who was naive and he felt like he could manipulate.
It’s manipulation. It sounds like you deserve much better than this. He’s really playing games with your emotions by using the word divorce and flip flopping on his wants. That’s not something I could live with. Best of luck to you!
It’s manipulative and psychological abuse at minimum. If he is indeed psychologically abusive I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s gaslighting going on somewhere in your relationship.
Gaslighting would look like this with divorce threats: If you tried to resolve a conflict, and he convinced you you’re imagining his behavior, then threatened to divorce you cause you’re paranoid, imagining things, now you’re the problem, but those things really happened that would be gaslighting.
He’s probably threatening to divorce you to gain power over you. He doesn’t want to be questioned ever, no matter what he does, wants you to realize and fear the potential consequences of questioning his bad behavior will be the end of your relationship. It’s basically a way for him to never take responsibility, and say you’re taking whatever I throw your way or else… learn your role.
Are we married to the same man??