Me (24M) and my girlfriend (23F) are together for a little more than a year now (a year and 4 months, to be more specific). I love this woman more than anything.
When we officialized our relationship back in 2021 she told me she never had sex before, as she never felt comfortable to go beyond kisses with anyone. I told her it’s ok and that I would never pressure her and that I would respect her time. For the next year we did everything except PIV, just kissing, fingering, sucking, just using our fingers and mouth, no penetration. I never tried anything, not even brought up the subject of trying PIV, because what we are doing is cool to me, and whenever she’d feel like it, we could try going further. Sometimes she would tell me she was afraid it would hurt, which I would respond saying I would do everything to not hurt her and go as slow as possible.
She said she wanted to try with the fingers first, and we did it.
Sometime ago we were laying down after the deed and I asked her if we should just try doing PIV, because I don’t think there would be a day where she would feel ready for it, we just had to try. She agreed with me.
Last week I asked once again if we should try it. She said nothing for a second, but then nodded in agreement. Ok, I went and bought condoms for the next time she’d come.
This weekend I showed her the condoms and told her I bought it cause she said we should try going further. She said that it wasn’t much about pain, but she was afraid of the condom breaking and getting pregnant. I asked her about birth control, she said she doesn’t want to take it because it’s not good for the body. She then said she was thinking about other contraception methods, like IUD, but didn’t specify. Ok.
Yesterday I approached her and asked her if we were going to see this together, as it is something I didn’t want to fall into forgetfulness, otherwise we could go years without talking about it and there’s no need for that since we both want it. She got mad and said I was pressuring her.
Later we talked and she said she wanted to see it in her own time, to which I said “ok then, now I get it. I thought we would start trying it, but you never said you wanted to wait.” I apologized to her for making her feel pressured.
We are good now, but I just feel sad about the whole thing. I’ll always respect her and wait for as long as she wants, but I really thought we were taking the next step now. Like I said before, I don’t think there’s going to be a time where she feels ready to do it, we just have to try. And she “wanting to see it in her own time” just means that she won’t ever talk about it again.
The truth is that sex without penetration isn’t the best to me. I feel like everytime we go to bed she ends up orgasming, with just mouth and fingers, but not me, I rarely do.
Is it understandable that I feel down?
12 comments
Well I see this in two different ways I think that it’s pretty freaking obvious that she knows that you want to do it and obviously it’s not a matter of her forgetting that you want to do it so you pressing the issue because you’re scared of it being a forgotten thing is pretty silly because I’m sure it’s pretty upfront in her brain but she’s just scared for a,b and c reasons apparently.
Penetration can be scary as a first time and I myself did not experience it with a person I had dildos and I think that it made actually having sex and losing my virginity and everything a lot less daunting and scary because I knew how it felt and what I was to expect and it wasn’t just like all right you’re going from a couple fingers to this.… I definitely recommend talking about getting a small toy and buying it for her don’t recommend some thing and then be like when are you getting it because that’s just like really bummy.
If she’s acting weird or still putting you off I think that you definitely need to be like hey can we talk for a second and then just be like listen every time I bring this up you say that I’m pressuring you but sex is a massive part of the relationship and I don’t understand how you don’t feel emotionally comfortable enough at this point to trust me not to hurt you and be safe and gentle with you and I feel like there must be an issue with our emotional depth and connection if you’re still feeling like this ,can I work on some thing.
Because that’s the truth and you might give her an opportunity to say something to you like yeah well I’m scared if I got pregnant you would leave or I’m scared that if you got into the moment that you would not be cautious if I was in pain or something like that do you know what I’m saying?
I think you need to really reassure her and give her a little bit more of like not an ultimatum but like she needs to evolve a little bit I’m not saying that anybody needs to lose their virginity and be uncomfortable but…
I also think it’s not fair to just bait someone along for years if she genuinely has no intention of being with you physically and that’s what you are under the impression of.
It’s very understandable. Your “wants” aren’t being met and you are clearly growing frustrated by the whole thing.
2 years is a lot of time to wait, and I feel that you are correct, the longer she goes without trying, the more pushback she will offer.
The condom part is honestly a weak excuse at this point, feels like a stalling technique.
In the end, nobody can tell you what to do because we’re not in your exact situation, **but your feelings are valid**.
Of course it’s okay to feel down. This sounds like a frustrating and disappointing situation. Listen to your feelings because they are telling you something important.
It is understandable, but so are her concerns. It also sounds like she’s happy with the way things are sexually between the two of you. If you are not, then it’s up to you to decide if this is the relationship for you. Stay because you want to say or leave because you’re ready to find a relationship that you find more compatible and satisfying.
In my personal opinion, penetration is kind of scary. You hear so many things and sometimes the most time passes it kinda becomes that thing you never feel ready for and just pospone out of fear. I don’t want to act like this is what your GF is feeling but if she really felt ready for it she would just go for it (as she would be in some kind of contraceptive).
I would say that you could have an honest conversation with her, that is something that you want (sex is about communicating and expressing each other needs) and I’ve would emphasize that maybe is a scary or unconfortable situation but you know this and you are going to try to make her as confortable as possible. It’s not something you want for only your pleasure but an intimate experience you want to try with her. Also (as a doctor) pills are not bad for your body like the ones in the 60’s where, she should go to a gynecologist and hear this from them (and there a lot of other options besides pills but they are safe).
My final advise is to use lube 🙌 !!! It helps so much as sometimes because of the situation being kinda stressful even with foreplay you don’t get as wet as you would normally.
I would be concerned that your girlfriend may have a past of sexual trauma.
If so – Asking her repeatedly can make her feel like she’s suffocating.
As someone who has a past with sexual trauma – piv can be extremely fucking triggering even if you love the person you are with.
This may not be the case at all. However I would be very cautious about how you approach the topic of PIV.
Make sure you explain that it’s not necessarily about the sex. It’s more that you’re hurt because you feel a deep connection to her and thought she felt the same. Just let her know that you wanted the intimacy of PIV because you love her. It’s not unreasonable to want this kind of intimacy.
Her being hesitant to use BC does make me curious though. Maybe she doesn’t understand the efficacy of different forms ?
If she’s really worried, you can inform her about cycle tracking apps that can actually 100% prevent pregnancy if used correctly. If you combine this with condoms, you’re about as safe as you can get without having a vasectomy.
A lot of women do not actually know that you can only get pregnant while ovulating. That’s why these cycle tracking apps work so well. It tells you when you are ovulating. So you can either avoid sex, use condoms, plan B ( for emergencies) when she’s ovulating. Otherwise between ovulating she can not get pregnant.
I’m definitely not saying this to have you put pressure on her, just to help her understand her options of hormonal free birth control.
She may also have other issues too. Some women have more of a hymen than others. Which can be painful to have sex in this case.
Honestly I found it helpful to have masturbated with a dildo before I had sex. This helped me understand what to expect. I also was less paranoid about all this blood I was told would gush out of me … which never happened because I wasn’t born with much of a hymen.
Using lubricants the first time is also a big MUST. It will help ease any discomforts she may have with tears in her hymen. Please be sure to buy a thicker consistency, water based lube.
Edit :
I also need to ask, is your girlfriend highly religious?
Is it normal within her family to be married before piv ?
You are a good man, you are in love, you respect her enough, but you can communicate better, don’t put pressure on her
I’m a woman, but I would really end up resenting a man who orgasmed every time but he was unwilling to have sex with me in a manner that would get me off. Think about ending it.
Definitely a hard thing. Your a wonderful boyfriend for being so patient and understanding. It took me a long time to have sex for the first time too. She is obviously scared and quite possibly finding reasons not too. I think having a talk with her is important. Its not about pressuring her , its about what you need in the relationship. I liked someone’s suggestion of starting out with a small dildo and maybe start slowly so she gets comfortable. Tell her its totally understandable to feel that way. I was terrified. But once I had done it once it got better and less painful. Its kinda an adjustment to go from being a virgin to full on sex. But its worth it. Definitely talk it out. You need to be able to have the intimacy you need. That doesn’t make you a jerk.
You have two issues here. She doesn’t want sex and you do.
And she doesn’t communicate clearly. Rather, she evades with this excuse and that excuse and hopes you will just drop it and move on.
Ideally, as a mature adult, she would simply say, I’m still not ready for sex. I don’t value it in a relationship and I’m nowhere near a place of wanting it. I won’t be taking any steps to getting to a place where we can have it safely.
And then you could assess wether this relationship is worth forced celibacy or not.
(It’s ok to break up over sexual incompatibility or a dead bedroom….I did it. My only regret was not doing it sooner)
I’ll just say it. I’d guess she’s just not into you. Using you for your fine qualities and assets. I think you’re in the friend category. I’m over 65 but I still remember the 2 or 3 guys that had nice motorcycles that I kept on the line for months bc I liked to ride their motorcycles with them.
>I feel like everytime we go to bed she ends up orgasming, with just mouth and fingers, but not me, I rarely do.
This stands out to me as the real problem. There are lots of ways to get a guy off that don’t involve a risk of pregnancy. Why isn’t she doing any of those.
I am a woman. I get her fear of PiV and pregnancy because I’ve been there. Frankly, I don’t get how more women *aren’t* terrified of pregnancy. It’s excruciatingly painful and it can kill you.
But that is no reason for her to be hogging all of the orgasms. PiV doesn’t solve the real problem here, which is her indifference to your pleasure. She knows how many times she gets off. And she knows how many times you get off. She knows it is uneven, and she is fine with it.
Tell her that she needs to step it up. She knows. She is relying on you not bringing it up. She is being selfish.